Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Teenaged Saviors

Well, we're home.

The vacation is officially over.

It's always tough to come back. I feel like I'm behind on everything. I don't even know what in the world is going on in Big Brother. I recorded those episodes while I was gone. I also haven't watched my daily dosage of celebrity smut on E! so I don't know who is boinking who and what starlet had the latest meltdown. I did hear a snipet about how Miley Cyrus apparently danced on a pole on some award show. Can her father even see??? First he lets her date a twenty-year-old and then he lets her dance on a pole? Trust me, I'm no prude, but I just know my husband would never allow it. If older men come sniffing around for Natalie, well, he's already said he's pulling out his shotgun.

I also forgot that I'm now expected to cook.

Tom asked what was for dinner and I blinked at him in confusion.

What's this dinner that you speak of? And why are you looking at ME?

Then I realized that we weren't at the beach anymore. Food wasn't going to magically morph in front of me. I'd actually have to make it if I wanted to eat.


Needless to say we got McDonalds.

I'll deal with the cooking thing tomorrow.

Anyhow, the flight back went okay. As well as can be expected. You see, I hate to fly.

It didn't help that there were TEENAGERS around the emergency exit. We were on Southwest which means you choose your own seats. Tom picked the seats right in front of the emergency exit.

"Gee thanks. The death seats," I said, settling down. Hasn't he watched enough action movies to know that a plane splits down the middle which means we'd go flying out?

Then when the teenagers shuffled in and sat down behind me I started to panic.

"So if we go down, our lives depend on a kid with a STUD in his nose?" I hissed across the aisle to Tom.

Seriously. The kids looked like they could care less. You know if we went crashing down that they'd totally forget that they were supposed to help other people out and save themselves.

I really think the rules should state that people over 25 can sit by the emergency exits. Not 15. The kid closest to the door had skinny ass arms. There is NO WAY he'd be able to yank open the door. Plus, none of them really paid attention when the flight attendant went over the rules. They sort of just nodded and she said in a chipper voice, "I need to have a verbal agreement that you'll be willing to perform the duties of sitting in the emergency row exit!"

Then they all muttered, "Yeah..."

Then the flight attendant LEFT. I mean, HELLO? Did she not see the STUD in the nose? She was seriously allowing these HOOLIGANS to be our saviors?

So yes, I was nervous.

"You look pale," Tom pointed out as I pulled out some books for the kids.

"If we go down, we're goners," I whispered. "You think those kids will do anything?" I jerked my thumb in their direction. I swear, one of them let out a massive fart and they all guffawed about it. Ew.

"We won't go down," Tom assured me.

Then the plane started to move and I always squish my eyes shut just in case it bursts into flames. That way I won't have to see the fireball rushing towards me.

When it was safe I popped in a DVD for the kids to watch and pulled out my book. I was trying to distract myself and was getting absorbed in the story when..

..the plane shook! I'm not kidding! It sort of rumbled in an unhealthy way.

"What was THAT?" I shrieked at Tom.

I expected Tom to assure me that it was nothing. But he looked a little frightened.



"What was THAT?" I repeated. Come on Tom. You're the sane one. Talk me down here...

"I...don't know," Tom admitted.


"Is the plane splitting apart? Are pieces shooting off into the sky?" I craned my neck to peer out the window but didn't see anything amiss.

As I was having a freak out a flight attendant came by and asked what I wanted to drink.

"Excuse me, what was that shuddering noise?" I burst out. How could she be asking me what I wanted to DRINK at a time like this?

She looked at me as though I was the one with a stud in my nose.

"The flaps going in," she said slowly as though she were speaking to a child.

Oh. Well. I had never heard them be so loud before. Excuse me.

When the flight attendant walked away I leaned over to Tom. "Just the flaps," I said lightly.

He nodded. "If we did go down I bet you'd wish you have slept with me last night," he said, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

Ugh. Yes. The night before he kept trying to get down my pants and I was all, "Tom, I can't, you know I go into a state when I'm about to fly," and he said something like, "Why?" and I said, "Because I worry we'll crash," and then HE said, "Well, if we all die, wouldn't you want to have sex one last time?"

(My answer was still no.)

The rest of the ride went off without a hitch.

And now we're home and I need to unpack but I keep glancing at the huge suitcase and groaning. That thing is fifty pounds. When Tom put it on the airport scale and it clicked to fifty I held my breath because Southwest only allows luggage to go that high.

Tom muttered beside me, "I swear, if we have to open this suitcase in front of EVERYONE like that one time I'm going to be pissed..."

Okay. Well. We only had to rearrange ONCE on our way home from Disney World. It wasn't my fault. Can I HELP it that Disney makes such cute stuff? I had no problem opening it and pulling things out. But Tom sort of stood there with a red face and he was mumbling, "You are NEVER packing again!"

Geez. You overpack once and you're blamed for it for life.


  1. hahaha! I can't stand flight attendants, they are all so cocky. What I think is funny is how the military TRAINS them to pack efficiently, but when THEY have to pack on a 'civilian' trip, they just throw things everywhere. My hubs is the worst!

    Anywho.. glad you're home safe and sound. We'll be in TX for Christmas... I hope.

  2. I once had a flight that had to turn around and go back, due to a problem. I kept hearing some weird noise, but I was a little bit of a nervous flier, and everyone around me seemed fine. WE ALMOST DIED!!!

  3. Glad you're back safe but I agree with hubby there about sex one last time...just in case you know...the plane goes down.

  4. Big Brother was good this week. Have fun catching up on everything. Glad you are back safe and sound.

  5. I'm glad your plane didn't go down! Glad you got home safely!

  6. Well you made it back, only to have to cook everyday again....I guess you could give your hubs some make up sex since you're alive and on the ground.....take care you have a good blog

  7. wiggly eyebrows are a sign to hit the hills runnin'

    Glad you made it home safe and sound!

    Stop by me and take a look at my charming husband....

  8. Funny! Surprised he didnt suggest you join the MILE HIGH CLUB just in case you do crash!!

    Hallie ;)

  9. Funny! Surprised he didnt suggest you join the MILE HIGH CLUB just in case you do crash!!

    Hallie ;)

  10. I gotta practice that wiggling eyebrow thing...Does it ever work?

    Glad you are home again safely.

    Who's packing the stuff for the move?

  11. Glad you're safely back on land! :) I can give you a Big Brother recap if you want . . . :)

  12. I wouldn't want to have a bunch of teenagers in the emergency row either. I mean, really, isn't that the most selfish age range---and I'm going to relying on them to save my butt if the plane goes down? Glad you didn't have to put them to the test. :)

  13. I refuse to sit anywhere near that exit row. Flying is bad enough without having that to deal with. Anyway, glad you had a good trip!

  14. First- Happy you are home safe.
    Second- Had a dream I was in a crashing plane last night.

    Third- I was a flight attendant for 2 years and someone I knew was in a plane that had to make an emergency landing. She had to go back and talk to the exit row again to go over what they might have to do. A bunch of strong, muscle 30 something year old tough guys were in the seats. One started crying and the others said they were too scared. Four little old ladies stepped up to the task while everyone else backed down. I thought it was soo funny. Don't worry, everyone came out alive, there was no crash, and those doors are super light anyway.


  15. Oh my god you're husband is so funny. Why WOULDN'T he be thinking about sex when you all are about to go down in flames to your horrible death!?

  16. Flying makes me a nervous wreck too. And I always seem to be the only one...doesn't everyone realize that you are 10,000+ in the AIR?? Hello those clouds you gaze from the ground at are now right NEXT TO YOU!

    The worst flight I ever had was a little, teeny plane...15 seater where you could see the pilots and through the front windshield (is that what they call it for a plane too?? I have no idea) Anyway, it was storming like hell & you could not see anything. AT. ALL. I realize they don't need to "see" with all their gadgets but let's just say I'd rather have a wall between me & them.

  17. I hate the return to real life.

    Suddenly you have to do chores and cook. Not to mention the piles of laundry.

    Glad the flight went safetly.

  18. lol, i love it!! why do vacations have to end? its just not fair!! glad those hooligans weren't the end of you!

  19. Funny, I'm scared of elevators, but flying, not so much!

  20. Jon references sex at the worst times too. Yesterday it was in the middle of scooping algae, weeds and pond scum. I about puked.

    Glad you didn't crash and you are home safe. Unpack! :)

  21. i am totally with you!! There should definitely be a rule on emergency exits for at least 21 years of age. 25 would be even better and...

    under 65. Sorry - but I do not want a 90 year old trying to open the door either.

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