Friday, August 14, 2009

Wait, I'm Not Checking You Out!

The swimsuit I wore at the beach was one of those tankini things. I always wear those because there is no way I’m going to show my stretch mark ridden stomach to the world. I get that there are some women out there who are all, “Wear your marks with pride!” and I’m all, “Actually, I think I’ll keep mine covered. Thanks.” My bottoms were shorts because there is no way I can wear those bottoms that look like underwear. Mainly because I totally forgot to shave my bikini line. Crap. Thankfully the shorts covered that problem right up.

We headed to the beach and Tommy headed off into the water with Tom and I sat on the sand while Natalie played with her toys.

“For you,” Natalie said grandly, dropping a wad of sand into my palm.

I never know what to do when she hands me things that I don’t really want. I usually say in an unnaturally high pitched tone, “Thank you SO much! This is wonderful!”

This is what I did then. I sort of sat there with my hand dripping with sand as Natalie used a shovel. Then my eyes started wandering at the other beachgoers. They rested on a woman who was a few feet away. She was all stretched out on a towel, her tanned limbs glimmering in the sunlight. She had a black bikini on and her blond hair went down her back. It didn’t even stick out like mine did the second I stepped outside. My hair, it doesn’t like beach air. It’ll immediately puff up and I’ll struggle to get it back down but it’s no use.

I gave a sigh as Natalie stuck a broken shell on top of the sand she gave me. You see, I long for firm body like that but know that it’ll never happen. Mainly because A) I like to eat junk food too much and B) because I cannot afford a tummy tuck.

She’s obviously never had children before, I thought. This is what I always think when I see a woman with a perfect body. It makes me feel better.

But then, almost as though she read my thoughts, the woman sat up and two children barreled over to her with a bag of food.

Okay, she’s probably just the Aunt…

“Here you go, Mommy!” a girl who looked to be around eight or nine said, handing over the bag.

Well. She’s skinny because she doesn’t eat. Surely the food is just for the kids…

But then the boy, who looked to be around twelve said, “We got your favorite ice cream!”

ICE CREAM?

Surely it had to be fat free? But no. The kid pulled out a full fat Ben and Jerrys container (mmmm….cookie dough…) and the woman thanked him as she pulled a plastic spoon from the bag. Then she caught me staring and started to look uncomfortable so I quickly averted my gaze.

Great. Now she thinks I’m a lesbian checking her out.

“Oh, I’m not checking you out!” I wanted to shout. “I just don’t understand how you can be so SKINNY after having two children and indulging in Ben and Jerrys. When I look at a container at Ben and Jerrys I practically gain five pounds then and there!”

I didn’t say that though. I kept my mouth shut and pretended to be really interested in the sand that Natalie had given me. I poked it around and enthusiastically asked Natalie if she thought the beach was awesome.

“Yes,” she said, looking at me as though I were stupid.

Then she wanted to go in the water, which was fine, but she’s not one of those kids who just plop down and let the ocean surround her. No, she wanted to run into the water. Then she wanted to run back to the shore. Then back in. Then back to the shore.
“How about we play with your sand toys again?” I practically begged after ten minutes of doing the ocean relay.

“No THANKS!” Natalie shrieked at me. Then she blew a rude sounding raspberry in my direction which is the new thing she picked up. If she doesn’t like what you’ve said, you get a raspberry blown at you.

So we raced around a few more minutes and then my Mom came over and let me sit down while she followed Natalie around.

As I settled on the towel I surreptitiously peeked over at the Perfect Body mom and saw that she had finished the ENTIRE pint and was sticking the spoon in the container with a self satisfied smile.

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

49 comments:

  1. You're right. Life's not fair. But I bet she doesn't have her own blog and write as well as you do!

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  2. Great post. I can so relate.

    I'm sure that kid must have been adopted, right?

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  3. She could be bulimia, or a stereotype skinny blonde. Who wants to be like that?

    I can relate though.

    I have a question. It will sound weird. Wait, maybe I need to email it... check for it! :)

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  4. eww i dont like perfect body moms....of course if i would add some sort of excersise i would be ok i guess.....i love ben and jerrys to much too!!

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  5. I live to curse those people! My sister is one of those skinny @$$, lucky b#$%&es that gets to eat anything she wants without gaining a pound.

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  6. I'm just gonna say, well at least it wasn't Thomas scoping out the hot babe on the beach and let it go at that.

    :)

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  7. I only wear tankinis, too. No way am I showing my stretch marks. Who would want to see them anyway?

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  8. its ok, you can hate me... :P

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  9. she may be skinny, but you can't see someone's cholesterol count in a bikini. maybe she's slowly dying inside?

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  10. eww, she sucks. i have graduated to the full-fledged one pieces at this point. how sad is that?

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  11. ick, I hate her now and I didn't even see it with my own eyes.

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  12. ick, I hate her now and I didn't even see it with my own eyes.

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  13. Oh life is never fair. I have had zero children yet I have stretch marks. Explain the fairness in that!

    Stupid Perfect Body Mom!

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  14. I soooo understand your plight....UGH...but darn that bday cake is So sweet and satisfying, this bowl of ice cream I'm eating as I type this well it's so creamy...oh well...I bet my booty is bigger than hers and my hubby loves it!!

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  15. Oh, life so isn't fair. My mom was one of those moms..ugghhh...why don't I get to look like that?

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  16. Maybe she has tape worms. Yes I bet that's it.

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  17. She's either a.) a freak of nature, or b.) bulimic.

    If I could show you my body, I guarantee you'd feel MUCH better about yours. :)

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  18. life isn't fair!
    maybe she has a fast metabolism ;)

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  19. plastic surgery, pact with the devil, tape worms? any of those are possible right? *sigh* i can hope that was one of those was the reasons right? me, i look at ice cream & gain 5 lbs.

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  20. Maybe she has no friends and her husband's a doofus! Too bad she's such a shallow show-off! Her brain is almost certainly small and inferior to yours. I'm just sayin'...

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  21. Can we all get together and gang slap her? It's one thing if you see a well-shaped woman who WORKS at it, but someone who can eat ANYTHING and doesn't have to worry about it? THat's just not FAIR! Where do we complain?

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  22. I do that too, figuring the skinny women haven't had kids. I am SO often wrong.

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  23. LOL, I love The Peach Tart's answer, I agree it must be tape worms.

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  24. Dont you hate that?! Ugh! I gained another dimple in my butt just reading about the ice cream.

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  25. Hahaha. Made me laugh so hard.

    She's definitely had work done.

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  26. I would only have to look at that tub of ice cream and it would go straight to my thighs!

    She probably has one of those obviously very unhealthy exercise 'addictions!'

    Christie
    http://childhood101.blogspot.com/

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  27. Oh your a woman after my own heart. I feel your pain. www.rosiegoescrazy.blogspot.com

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  28. Is it wrong that I want to call her a bad name? It's the green envy in me. Skinny AND eating junk food.

    Wahhhhhhh...no fair.

    Oh and the description of wearing your suit had me cracking up!!

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  29. Excuse me?! Does no one else see that you are SO beautiful and skinny and have a body I'd kill for?! lol! You would so definitely be one of those moms I'd HATE at the beach, 'cause it has been a LONG time since I was brave enough for a tankini. I'm all there hot and sweaty, lifeguarding the kids instead of cooling off, with one of those one piece girdles that could pass for a swimsuit but I'm actually wearing it under my one piece swimsuit that no one ever sees 'cause allathat is hidden under a baggy tshirt and shorts. lol. I'm always over here wondering how YOU can eat all that junkfood and still be so thin! :P

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  30. I agree with Lisa. We are our own worst critics.
    However,
    I would much rather wear a plastic garbage bag than to sausage stuff my ass into a bikini. Not due to stretch marks. Due to my puffy butt.

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  31. I don't know why, but I love the word "Raspberry". It just seems like such a great word.

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  32. lol...i know what you mean! that's too funny!

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  33. Aww unfair! I am thinking about B&J now though...

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  34. And you had all of that water at your disposal and didn't drown her?

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  35. Haha! I know, I just don't get it. I see pics of people on facebook with kids and they have these size zero bodies. How the heck is that possible??

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  36. That pint of ice cream was probably the only thing she allowed herself to eat all day.

    When I lived in San Diego we had a pool. About five months after my daughter was born I bought a two piece suit to wear in the privacy of my own back yard. I asked my husband what he thought. He said he had two words; 'Jenny Craig'. Bastard! Did I mention that he's now my ex-husband? My boyfriend tells me he loves my curves. He says they are in all the right places. I love that man!

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  37. I hear you loud and clear on this one CHICA, sometimes life just isn't fair!

    Smooches,
    Sassy Chica

    Great post by the way, love your blog!! stopping by from sits

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  38. :-)
    Great post.....
    That's probably all she will eat for the day. Tomorrow it will be 4 Twinkies. :-)
    My way out of such self defeating thoughts is to check out the over weight teens with pooches. I just tell myself that I looked better when I was their age. I only look like this because I had children and a husband. :-D
    Just popping in from SITS....
    I hope you are having a beautiful day today.

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  39. Amen.

    I try so hard not to be a hater, but sometimes it's hard...

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  40. They must have been adopted children, right?! :P But Ben and Jerry's YUM!

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  41. If it makes you feel any better, guys like me suffer these feelings too... I used to be in excellent shape about 11 years ago until I started working in a cubicle, and now I just look like a damn mess... I'm guessing that I haven't looked good naked in about 8 years...hehehe...

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  42. She probably has BO and is dumb as a rock...

    That is what I tell myself when I see women like that. :-D

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  43. She must be from another planet, thats just not possible.

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  44. I would've accidentally kicked sand on her when I walked by. Actually, I wouldn't have. I would have thought about it, though. And then I would have thought about why I sit around thinking mean thoughts just beacause somebody is prettier than me... Good to just let it go with a life's not fair. Much quicker.

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