Thursday, October 1, 2009

My Dear Letters

Dear Tom,

Do you forget who I am sometimes? Telling me stuff like, “You wouldn’t believe the turd I just dropped,” is NOT something I want to hear. Not from my husband, not from anybody. Thanks.

Signed,
Your-Please-Don’t-Talk-Poo-With-Me
Wife

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Dear Neighborhood Parents,

Please stop sending your kids over to play less than five minutes after the kids have returned home from school. You see, I actually like conversing with my kid and asking about his day. Having your kid show up right away makes my kid not want to talk to me. So please. Give us at least a half hour before I have to endure your hellions—I mean, children.

Signed,
A-Mom-Who-Actually-Likes-To-Talk-To-Her-Kid,
Amber

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Dear Gymboree,

Please make ugly clothes so I’m not tempted to buy. Make another animal print line. You know how much I hate animal print.

Signed,
A-Non-Animal-Print-Fan,
Amber

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Dear cars that tail me when I’m going the speed limit,

I’m sorry, did you miss the big sign that said the speed limit was 40? I usually go 45 and I refuse to go any faster than that. Christmas is approaching and I’d rather not have a $100 ticket. So get off my car’s ass! It offends her.

Signed,
A-Would-You-Like-Someone-Up-Your-Butt???
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

Sweets, that plastic thing with the hole in the middle is a toilet. Not an oversized hat. So please treat it like a toilet and GO in it. Not in the vent. Not on the carpet. Not in my slipper. Go in the TOILET. Are we understanding each other?

Signed,
A-Wondering-If-Her-Daughter-Will-Be-In-Diapers-Forever,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

Actually, I AM the boss of you. I don’t know why you keep saying that I’m not. I pushed your eight pound body through my crotch, therefore I am the boss.

Signed,
An-Over-Ten-Hours-In-Labor-So-I-Will-ALWAYS-Be-Boss,
Amber

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Dear Thighs,

Stop expanding

Signed,
I-Want-To-Fit-Into-My-Pants,
Amber

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(If my thighs could write, this is probably what they’d say:

Dear Amber,

Stop eating so many Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and we wouldn’t expand.

Signed,
Your Thighs)

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Dear Tom (again),

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but that was my head that you slung your arm across at three in the morning.

Signed,
A-Wishing-For-Separate-Bedrooms,
Amber

53 comments:

  1. That's a good one. The dude was 8 lbs. 11 oz. I will remind him of that someday. Ah ha. Thanks for your sweet words about my wedding pics.
    : )

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  2. Dear An-Over-Ten-Hours-In-Labor-So-I-Will-ALWAYS-Be-Boss, Amber
    I laughed until I cried and then almost peed my pants from my leaky bladder from my 9 lb son.

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  3. This is hilarious! I love your site.

    I just started my blog a week ago. Check it out and let me know what you think. Any advice you could give me would be awesome as I am new to this whole world. I am still trying to figure out how to "advertise" it.

    http://harlemshaterade.blogspot.com

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  4. Several of these made me laugh--but the one that made me just about cry is your letter to your daughter. My kid is the SAME way and will, I believe, be attending the Prom in a Pull-Up.

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  5. I laughed until I cried and then almost peed my pants from my leaky bladder from my 9 lb son.
    Domain registration india

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  6. LOL another hilarious post as always, Amber! ICK about the poo talk from the hubster though - I mean, WHAT was he thinking! HA!

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  7. I love the letter from your thighs.

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  8. LOVE IT, especially the one about the neighbor kids. Seriously.

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  9. Love the letters! I need to borrow a couple of them!

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  10. HAH! Slippers sounds worse than vent. How did you find out? xD

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  11. I love the idea of talking to your thighs and I'm so happy they actually answered you back!

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  12. I love the idea of talking to your thighs and I'm so happy they actually answered you back!

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  13. So hilarious. Loved it. THANKS for dropping by my blog :)

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  14. My husband has to tell me every intricate detail of every single poop he takes every single day of the week. I really don't care. I try to tell him it makes me not want to have sex with him, and you'd think he'd stop immediately, but he doesn't. It's like a sickness. An oversharing of the bowels disease.

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  15. these.were.the.best.

    thank you for making me laugh out loud in my cubicle land at work! much appreciated.

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  16. Just wait till your hubby starts bringing out photo evidence on his phone.

    Wonderful as always.

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  17. Hmmmmm, I'm a poop talker. I have to be, I have a condition people!

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  18. I would have to say to my thights...shut up lol..

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  19. VERY funny!
    In my family there are people who actually love to SHOW their poops off!
    Since I am on to this thing, Sometimes my hub will say something like "Wow look at this huge spider!!!"
    and like an idiot I come in to see the spider and he goes, "Ta Da!" and gestures toward the toilet.


    I'm having an excellent give away! Please join in the fun of promoting ME!!!

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  20. What a perfect way to end my day! I giggled my @$$ off at this! I hate it when cars freakin' tailgate me. It pisses me off. I just drive slower.

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  21. do these letters work? perhaps i should copy you.. LOL your so funny.

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  22. I am so grateful that our fat parts can't talk back to us.

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  23. I think I have some letters to go write. And write back to the thighs to shut up. Everyone needs their candy. They should find a way to keep from growing.

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  24. I am dying laughing over here. Hilarious. I think the first one is my favorite...no wait the second...no wait the third..UGH!!

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  25. Hey! I wrote the same letter to my thighs! Have ours been talking??

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  26. Dear lord, the neighbor kids! They are at my door within moments of mine getting home from school, and then when I summon my children back, telling them within earshot of the neighbor kids that the night of fun is now over, they reappear 20 minutes later at my door to see if the kids can play again! Did you not get my subtle hint?! No! To make it even more annoying - they show up at the door between 6 and 6:30 p.m., which, in a perfect world, is when we're eating supper. The kids on my block never sleep, and my husband says they must not eat their lunch until 4 p.m., so it's no wonder they're staring at us like the Children of the Corn through our front windows while we eat.

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  27. Why do men think we want a play by play of their turds? Or their farting for that matter?

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  28. I'm loving your thigh letters! Oh and I hate it when my husband whacks me with and arm or leg in the night too! Funny stuff! :D

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  29. Oh so hard to pick a favorite. Those are all super good, but I am the boss of you is pretty fantastic. Great letters.

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  30. Love your letters. You crack me up!

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  31. I guess you told them. I bet they'll think twice before messing with you again.

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  32. hahahha...I feel you with the gymboree letter. I think I did pretty good this gymbuck redemption time. I didn't even use all of them...of course I sold the rest. But I don't know about you but I am already going crazy over the new fair isle line. I think it is going to be a very cute one. I just love your blog. This post was hilarious!

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  33. Stopping by from SITS to say hello!

    I ADORE the name of your blog, and loved, loved, LOVED the letters!

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  34. I'm always LMAO when I read your blogs!! The 8lb comment especially:) Those are such honest letters, I wish that there was a way to telepathically send people messages like that! thanks for the funny read!

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  35. Stopping in from SITS, I love the boss comment! My husband has this sick obsession with poop too, the need to tell me how big, how long, and how much. Um, NO, kthx!

    Happy Friday.

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  36. Stopping in from SITS!! Love the letters to your husband and son, especially the husband one. My husband does the EXACT SAME THING!! Really, I don't need to hear about it. Just..Yuck..

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  37. great letters! and hey.. at least your husband doesn't yell for you to come into the bathroom and LOOK, YES LOOK at his turds... yea, seriously!

    have a wonderful wkend!!

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  38. When you start writing letters to the actual poo, like:

    Dear Poo,

    Thank you for being so long and curly and for exciting Tom and making his day "complete". I appreciate you keeping him occupied and out of my hair for the short while. You do know I'm jealous because your "birthing" took place during a PIP.

    Signed,

    What I wouldn't give for a PIP, Amber

    I'm going to convene an intervention for you ok?

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  39. LOVE IT!! Thanks for all of the laughs!!

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  40. LOL. The Dear Tom made me laugh. Oh, yes, pleast SSSSTOP.

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  41. Could be worse, my husband picture mails me images of his "awesome turds"

    And I concur, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups are a slippery slope.

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  42. My favorite was the "Dear Tommy" entry. When my husband says he doesn't want to change Nathan's diaper, I say "17 hours of labor, honey!" Works like a charm.

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  43. Great post! Made me laugh - very clever.

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  44. well I loved this, funnily enough I could def use your Dear Tom letters as my DH is Tom too! I loved the one to gymboree too, we have lovely dresses etc for bubs over here and god knows I keep em in business! arrarah (happy SITS sharefest saturday)

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  45. I laughed hardest about the potty hat. I swear there were days I thought my daughter would be in diapers when she headed off to college. But, thank GOD we made it. Now there's just one more to go...

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! Have a super weekend.

    www.thebeautificationproject.wordpress.com

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  46. Hahaha!! Nice blog. So witty of you.

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  47. Love this post!!
    I nominated you for an award! Come see...
    http://iamtheglue.blogspot.com/2009/10/mmmmlemonade.html
    I feel like the blogging fairy!

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  48. ....I like talking with my child...
    !!!!! How fantastic, you do a great job; talking with our kids means everything.......

    I love talking to my boys too, they love it either; one doesn't need to by expensive gifts to make them happy; talking and listening ......!!!!!
    thanks so much stopping by in TUSCANY!!!!!!!
    love your style!
    ciao elvira

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  49. these are hilarious!! im going to right some letters now!!

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Thanks for the comment!

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