Friday, October 23, 2009

A Trip to Kohls

I was beginning to lose my patience.

I had walked into the living room that I had just picked up a few minutes before to find it covered with toys again. A bowl of Cheerios was strewn all over the carpet. I threw my hands in the air and shrieked, “How am I supposed to keep this house clean?”

Then the phone rang. It was Tom letting me know that he’d be coming home soon.

“Are you okay?” he wondered, noticing my wobbly voice.

“No. I’m not okay. No one listens to me in the house. Not even the cat! Natalie got a hold of the toothpaste and squeezed it all over the bathroom. She’s refusing to eat and I swear she calls me mean names under her breath. She keeps taking off her clothes and when I attempted to put them back on her she tried to bi—aye…aye…te me,” I wailed. A few frustrated tears dripped down my cheeks.

I think Tom was sorry that he asked.

“Well,” he said cautiously. He could tell I was in one of my moods where I can twist anything he says and turn it into an insult towards me. “Maybe when I get back you should go out.”

“Are you kicking me out of the house?” I demanded. First my daughter tries to bite me and now my husband was kicking me out of the house. But then I thought about this….I could get out of the house. Alone. Without kids. I could…shop in peace. “Actually, that sounds great. Kohls is having a sale,” I sniffled.

I love Kohls. I’m even a MVC (most valued customer.)

So the second Tom walked through the door, I practically ran out of the house. I went, “Bye, love you!” over my shoulder and leaped into the car before he could change his mind.

As I walked towards the entrance of Kohls, I took a deep breath of fresh air, relishing in the fact that I was alone. Of course after I took that deep breath I sneezed and coughed because I probably inhaled dust or something. But still.

The second I strolled through the front doors a worker greeted me. I nearly grabbed a cart with a seat attached to it because I’m so used to plopping Natalie in there.

“Whoops. I won’t be needing that one. It’s just me today. It’s just me,” I said, grabbing a regular cart.

The teenaged worker appeared to be a tad startled. “Okay?” she said, backing away as though she thought I was going to swing my purse at her. She doesn’t understand now but she will when she has kids, mark my words.

I headed for the clearance racks first and found a pair of size 3 shorts for three bucks. Three bucks! And okay, I’m not exactly size 3. I’m a size 5 on a good day. But for three bucks, surely I could squeeze my ass into a size 3.

Um. Wrong.

For starters, I could barely pull the things up. I grunted to the point where I think the other people in the changing room thought that I was taking a dump. But I wasn’t going to let a pair of three dollar shorts defeat me. No sir.

“I will get you on!” I muttered, yanking determinedly at the fabric. And then, okay, I heard a little bit of a rip so I knew I’d have to buy them anyhow. I finally did get the things over my hips but then I wasn’t able to button them. I heaved in my gut and it didn’t work. So then I sat down on the bench and took a deep breath and managed to slip the button through the hole.

“I did it!” I gasped out.

I gasped because I couldn’t fully breathe properly. But breathing is overrated, right? I think the shorts may have caused permanent damage on my bladder. But who cares? Size 3!

And okay, when I had the shorts on I had a pinched expression on my face as though something was wedged up my butt—and technically, the material was wedged up my butt since there is so much of my butt these days thanks to Halloween candy…

But maybe the shorts will inspire me to lose weight. When I look at them I’ll be all, “Do I want to be able to wear these comfortably during the summer? Do I want to end up on Because I’ll end up on if I were to wear these in the state that I’m in now. And I cannot end up on that site because then people will be all, “Hey! Where do I know you from?” and I’ll say hopefully, “Well, I do write a blog…” and they’ll say, “No! You were on! You were the chick with her ass hanging out of a pair of shorts that were really too small for her.”

I can’t bring that humiliation to this family. I just can’t.

So when it gets closer to warm weather, I’ll have to force myself in the gym. And I’ll have to only allow myself one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup a day. Maybe two. Three at the max.

It took a few minutes to take the shorts back off. Then I went to the children’s section and found these ultra adorable panda pajamas for Natalie. Sure she may have enough pajamas but these had pandas on them and they were 60% off. I also picked up a pair of Christmas pajamas for Tommy as well as a pair of jeans. He had 8 pairs of pants at the beginning of the school year and now he’s down to 4. This is because he plays rough and the knees of the pants get all white and holey and I just can’t send him to school in pants like that even though Tom says that no one cares.

I also bought new pillows for our couch because our current ones have weird stains all over them.

When I returned home, I walked in with this gigantic bag that looked as though I had bought half the store. And I didn’t, I swear! It was just because the cashier had stuffed everything in one bag with my permission. I do try to Go Green and all. I should bring my own bags in but sometimes I forget to put on my pants so let’s be honest, I doubt I’d even remember to bring my own bags inside the store.

“How much did you buy?” Tom demanded. His eyes practically bugged out of his head.

“Don’t worry. It’s the couch pillows,” I explained, pulling them out.

“The COUCH pillows?” Tom was agog. He smacked our current stained ones. “We have couch pillows.”

“Those are stained and they smell like old cheese. These are fresh non-stained couch pillows,” I said, rubbing my palm against them.

Tom’s brows were still furrowed. “What else did you get?”

I pulled out the ultra adorable panda pajamas. “Panda pajamas!’ I cooed. Natalie rushed over and hugged them to her chest.

“I thought she had pajamas?” Tom wondered.

“Not ones with pandas on them. And plus, they were 60% off. I practically had to buy them.”

Tom didn’t look convinced.

“Thank you for letting me shop in peace,” I said kindly. I plopped down on his lap and started running my hand over his scalp. (I say scalp because he shaves his head. It feels weird massaging a scalp with no hair. I’m just saying..) This usually always makes him forget that he’s cross with me.

Tom started gazing at me lovingly. I thought he was going to say something romantic like, “Of course. You deserved it. You work so hard here keeping the house clean, folding my undies, making the beds….” But instead he leaned over and whispered, “Does this mean we’re having sex tonight?”

Oh geez.


  1. Glad you had some peace and quiet and alone time to shop and relax for a change but leave it to the man to think you are coming on to him just because you show him some affection - My husband does the same thing to me too! LOL

  2. Good grief that sounds just like my house!!!!

    Men all they think about is 1 thing!!!

    But is soooooooo worth giving it to them to get to go shop!!!!!


  3. Seriously, is your husband Hugh Hefner?

  4. How nice for a kid free trip...but, then he thinks you owe him? Men.

  5. He did let you go shopping . . . Consider it a 'thank you' of sorts . . . LOL! :)

  6. That so sounds like my life recently! I would love to go shopping by myself! Maybe if I keep my fingers crossed....

  7. I love Kohl's.

    Tom wants sex of course and I bet he'll even want you to talk dirty to him.

  8. You figured out recently how to cool Tom's libido a little bit, didn't you? Asking him if he wants your crotch? Just saying ... you might wanna try that again. ;)

    I also have major "keeping-the-house-clean" (or not) frustration. I have a crying meltdown at least once a week! I tell Curtis it's like building a sandcastle that keeps getting washed away by the tide!

  9. I have to put out in order to get out as well.

  10. Ha! Just found your blog and I like it. Think I'll follow you for a while......

  11. kys---

    "put out to get out?" LOVE THAT!
    that's my new phrase. LMAO.

    but this situation does sound a lot like our house too. And why do men's brains always revolve around the possibility of getting laid?

  12. Ohhhhh yeah. i get that one all the time too!! so funny the way they're minds work! and i love the jammies! carters, right??

  13. You should have said you needed cushions. I would have happily sent you any of the 200 that are all over our lounges, making it damn impossible to actually sit down comfortably.

  14. I swear sizes have shrunk in the past 10 years. Size 3 jeans that I have from 2001 fit me fine. Size three jeans in the store now . . .well, your description today is apt.

    But props to you, having babies and still being able to fit in size 3/5!

  15. Hell YES that means we're having sex tonite!

    I mean. You and he. Not you and me because I don't do that.

    Graduated from college an all...

    What I mean is that if I get a night out to Kohls and then no BS when I return...I'll gladly put out.

    Have I said too much? :)

    stupid wine.

  16. Haha. I LOVE to read your blogs, they are ALWAYS so well written and this one is no different.

    The Panda Pajamas are super cute, and natalie totally rocked them :)

    ...your husbands comment made me laugh too. . .

  17. I think I need a shopping trip like that...and quick!

    You always make me laugh and I really needed that today! Thanks!

  18. I totally get the boys and their pants thing. My boys can't seem to keep from getting a whole in their knees for more than two days.

  19. Husbands can always be relied on to say exactly the silliest thing. LOL I lvoe those jammies BTW. Do they come in adult sizes?

  20. I HAVE to agree with yosoylachamuca! The size 3's of 10 years ago are NOT the same as the size 3's of present day!

    Seeing Natalie in those panda pajamas is so worth all that trouble you had to go through, isn't it? She is super adorable!

  21. oh my...those pajamas are ADORABLE! and yes, you had to get them. They were practically free.

    put out to get out? LOL.

  22. LOL! Thanks for the laugh on a Friday after a long week! Found you through VodkaMom and think I'll follow along!

  23. OH my gosh! you had me laughing so hard! The dogs all just sat and stared at me! Thank you so much for sharing! Especially the last line! Men!! thx so much for the kackles!

  24. Sounds like you really enjoyed your shopping trip. So funny about buying those size 3 shorts but I loved that you found the 60% off Panda Pajamas--very cute!

    Hope you had a nice night too!

  25. First of all I love when men shave their

    Panda pajamas, so cute!

  26. Wait - Kohl's is having a sale on their summer stuff? I thought they got rid of that stuff a LONG time ago! Since I'm arriving in Mesa, AZ tomorrow where it will be 88 degrees, I need to do some SHOPPING!

  27. I can't get one leg in a size 3! The panda pjs are adorable.

  28. LOL. Men are so predictable. The PJs are uber kewt

  29. You got yourself into a size three. AND you said 'there is so much butt these days thanks to Halloween candy'

    I should clearly never leave the house again... (sobs in the corner)

  30. I second Tammy's comment...I think I'd be lucky to get into a 9!!! Oh well...glad you had time to yourself!!

  31. a) you are hilarious.
    b) THANK you for

    it's like i failed or something- how did i not know about this site? have you seen it makes me laugh past the point of social acceptability. and sure, sometimes it makes me pee. (but isn't that a mark of high humor?)

    happy saturday sitsfest back atcha!


  32. Bahahahahaha! This is hilarious! And your husband's request for favors is so something my husband would be asking for too. So glad you were one above me on SITS! I have now found a new blog to follow- thanks!

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest

  33. Classic men!
    Have a super lovely weekend:)
    hugs hugs

  34. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! I can SO relate. I've been THERE so many times. Crazy day with kids...must get out...surprisingly symphathetic husband. Shopping without kids is such BLISS! It's like taking a mini vacation! I love Kohls too! I think your husband and mine are reading out of the same handbook considering his closing question!

    Jenn @

  35. It ALWAYS comes back to sex for them.

    But Natalie in those jammies...too cute!!!

  36. Ha! I knew that was coming!

    I have one question...

    Were the couch cushions worth it!

  37. Apparently my husband and yours of the same school of husbands! In fact mine is doing some chore-play right now hoping for the same result!

    So funny! I am going to add you to my Sunday Funnies post tomorrow....come check it out then.

  38. So Funny! Shows you what men really think about. LOL.

    Yours Truly,
    Lady Lex

    P.s. Happy Saturday Sits fest!

  39. I just wonder what would have happened if you had put on the too-small shorts before sitting on Tom's lap...

    ...just thinking outloud here...

  40. Tom is an old romantic like my hubby!! My husband likes to move his eyebrows up and down to ask me for sex. Very hot!!!

    Your daughter is precious in the PJs. Very cute!!

    I used to iron patches on my son's jeans. I thought the patches looked kinda cute?? Plus, iron on patches are so easy to use. Way cheaper than new jeans every month.

  41. Men are always feeling a little too deserving...

    And your daughter is adorable in those PJ's.

  42. You musta known that was comin'.....

  43. Hahaha. MamaB said "chore-play", I love that!! Totally stealing that.

    Natalie did indeed rock those Panda jammies!

    And I do the same thing when my hubby asks me how much I spent- Let me tell you how much I saved!

    And my hubby shaves his head as well. Love the stubblies.

    And last but not least- now your son is wearing out jeans, wait til he's a teenager and shoots up 6 inches in 4 months! And just plain outgrows them before he can outwear them. We once went through 2 shoe sizes in a month with my son!!

    Love your blog.

  44. Men do tend to have a one-track mind, don't they? ;)

    A kid-free shopping day at Kohl's...I think I would have put out for that! ;)

  45. ♥нσρє ιѕ тнє вяιgнт ѕнιиιиg ℓιgнт ωнιcн кєєρѕ dαякиєѕѕ αт тнє вαу нσρє ιѕ тнє gєитℓє cσℓd вяєєzє σи α нσт ѕυммєя dαу ♥

  46. Loved reading about your day. I wish there was a Kohls within 25 miles of me though! Congrats on those size 3's, what a steal! I'm sure you'll fit into them soon. :D

  47. Cutting right to the chase, as always! They really ARE all alike, aren't they?

  48. Wait-- at least he didn't say "bump uglies"! Credit where credit is due!

  49. OMG, I'M DYING! Such a typical dude thing to say. But he deserved it right? Ah ha. I totally had one of those days on Thursday. The hubs heard it in my voice and brought me home Dunkin Donuts coffee and a bag of plain cake donuts. He knows the way to my heart (and pants). Ah ha

  50. I love your blog! I have added your button to my page and am adding you to my blog roll...come check it out! Can't wait to see what's next! Kori xoxo

  51. Well, I guess since you were so relaxed and all after your ALONE time : ) at Kohls you really should!

    My husband shaves his head too and it is definitely a different sensation! It's a good look for sure!

    Panda pajamas at 60% off. How could you possibly say no! She looks heavenly in them : )

  52. You owed him. HA!

    I hate when you squeeze into a pair of jeans a TAD smaller than you normally wear and it makes your back into a-whole-nother ass, ya know? Terrible.

    Yay for shopping in peace!

  53. I love your blog! Love your posts and I totally understand how you felt when you talked about squeezing into smaller pants.

    Too funny!

  54. first, that is hilarious. Next, I love Kohl's too. I had been sending my daughter to school in high waters and 3 quarter length shirts that had once been long sleeved so off to Kohl's I went. The entire Carter's section was 60%off and I had a 15% off coupon on top of that. I got $406.00 worth of clothes for $139 bucks. Love it!


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