Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Dear Letters

Dear vehicles that like to cut in front of me,

Did you forget how in driver’s ed that you were taught to keep at least two car lengths in front of you for safety? Well, how am I supposed to do that if you keep getting into my two car lengths? That space is for SAFETY not for YOU!

Signed,
A Trying To Be Careful,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

Look, I’m sorry if I’m incapable of talking dirty to you during the act. I tried! Laughing hysterically when I whispered in what I thought was a sexual tone, “You want my crotch, don’t you?” was not very polite.

Signed,
A Non-Kinky,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

Announcing that you don’t have to listen to me because you’re getting married is not going to work. You’re only seven. You can’t get married. And plus, when you ask a girl to marry you if her response is, “Fine. I guess,” then she’s probably not the one for you.

Signed,
Because-I’m-The-Momma-That’s-Why,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

Don’t you have anything better to do than follow me into the bathroom and watch me poop? I mean honestly? What is the allure?

Signed,
A-sincerely-baffled,

--------------------

Dear People who like going to the movies,

Doesn't this movie look good?



It is a movie called Motherhood It's starting in select cities on Friday. Please go see it so it can come to Wyoming. Thanks! (For more info about the movie, go here.

Signed,
A-Really-Wants-To-See-This,
Amber

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Dear pregnant woman who lives down the street,

The word is pregnant. Not prego, not preggers…but pregnant. Thank you.

Signed,
A Non Cutesy Word Using,
Amber

-------------------

Dear Writer’s Block,
Please go away so I can finish my novel. No one will want to publish a novel that has the ending of la la la la la la la la be bop boo.

Signed,
A Frustrated,
Amber

48 comments:

  1. OMG! Those drivers that get into my two cars length piss me off too! Um hello?! Not for you!!! LOL

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  2. Can't talk dirty to your husband... lol..

    and that movie looks great I will definitely see if it comes near me.
    xx

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  3. I laugh too.

    Wow! Starting young!

    I KNOW! What is up with that?

    No.

    I agree!

    Hope it goes away!

    Cute blog!

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  4. I guess you've gotten everybody straightened out now.

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  5. I can only pee in front of people if I am extremely drunk. Oh wait, that was TMI.

    I always thought it was 5 car lengths.

    I need to do me some of these letters. Very therapeutic, I would have to say... hmm...

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  6. I get a lot of help in the bathroom these days too. I'm hoping it will eventually become interest in using the potty...so far no luck.

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  7. Oh my god you are hilarious! And from one non-kinky wife to another, just remember when you say the word crotch, it doesn't neccesarily mean what you think it does. Guys have crotches too ya know.

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  8. What the crotch thing wasnt sexy enough?

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  9. I'm going to see Motherhood tomorrow night.

    You're welcome!

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  10. I really hate preggers and prego, too. I'm not very fond of hubby, either.

    The crotch thing is hilarious. And that is why I don't even try to talk sexy, it just wouldn't work.

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  11. I love your "Dear" letters. They are so funny. What a great idea!

    Doesn't Dear Abby say that you should only do what you feel comfortable with as far as antics in the bedroom?

    Now me? I could get a job at one of those 1-900 numbers. As long as it wasn't a picture phone I'd be in like Flint. (Who says that anymore? I guess I'm showing my age!)

    The movie looks good. Definitely a Chick Flick. My husband and I take turns going to Chick Flicks versus Dick Flicks.

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  12. Awesome post, as usual with you! Loved the trailer-- I'll get everyone I know to go see it here, and hope it helps there!

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  13. Yeah, I'm thinking crotch might spoil the mood a little bit.

    Moving into the two car length safety zone also spoils the mood.

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  14. too funny... i always love these letters!!

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  15. You want my crotch is not sexy talk - it's a biological inference masquerading as sexy talk.

    Now if he'd gone down the whole 'hot python' route, who knows how it could have been?

    Yes - I am available for bookings. :)

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  16. OMG too funny!! I need to blog some of these letters for therapy purposes. LOL

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  17. You want my crotch. hahahahahahaha

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  18. Anthony Edwards! I loved him in ER.

    Good luck with the writer's block.

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  19. I love these!! My favorite is the dirty talk...I can't do it either.

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  20. I dated a guy for over a year who was the quantifiable king of dirty talk - he couldn't get his gitty up to go without it. I always felt so cliche, like I only had two go-two phrases I could think of. Reminds me of a good blog post. You have inspired me so that officially releases you from your writer's block. Get busy.

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  21. LOL OMG you are freakin hilarious!! :o)

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  22. You are too hysterical. Laughing my butt off!

    Just a head's up--sending my readers your way sometime this weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Have you tried stream of consciousness writing to get the juices flowing? Um, just to clarify I was referring to the writers block letter...

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  24. That movie looks so good, totally want to see it!

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  25. You can't have that ending...bc it's the ending to my novel!

    The secret to dirty talk is throwing in a lot of "oh baby". They love that. Ridiculous. But true. Try it.

    ♥Spot

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  26. I love your Dear letters. I laugh every time. And yes, that movie looks good.

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  27. I want to watch that movie! It looks like it's gonna be a good one! Oh, and the whole, 'baby-wants-to-watch-mommy-poo' sitchy? I so feel you. Ugh.

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  28. I love you! I am so glad that I found you. These letters are great.

    Can we be friends?

    No, seriously. Can we?

    Meredith
    www.lifescrazyjoke.com

    ReplyDelete
  29. You are the best letter writer ev-ah. You could do them for other people and charge for it.

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  30. I love these! You crack me up! I love that book ending by the way :)

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  31. I totally agree with the Preggo thing. You are not spaghetti sauce, you are PREGNANT! I just tweeted about this the other day lol.

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  32. Dear Amber,
    You are such a great writer, we would probably all buy your book even if it did end that way.

    Talking dirty (for me) is something I can do on the phone, but never 'during the act' and never in writing.

    Best wishes to Tommy on his pending nuptials.

    Signed,
    A Wants to be Able to Write Like You Someday,
    Tammy

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  33. Oh my gosh I love this! I have always loved reading your letters but these are awesome! I especially love the one about Tommy getting married and Natalie watching you poop ;)

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  34. You've started my day off with a great big laugh! Thanks, for that!

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  35. This so gave me the laughter I desperately needed!

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  36. la la la be bop boo has a ring to it. :)

    You want my crotch? HAHAHAHAHA.

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  37. I have a Letters of Intent carnival every Friday. Your letters are perfect to link up!

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  38. After I read the current post, I had to pop over to people of Walmart. I was worried that I might be one of them...

    NO!!! I could never come close to this crew. WOW!!

    And... my husband can also finish with me laughing my head off too. Does not slow him down at all.

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  39. Dear Amber's Writers Block:

    I command you to go away NOW so that she can finish her novel so that I can buy it and read it and perhaps understand that using punctuation is a GOOD thing. And so I can laugh.

    Signed,

    A Fan

    ReplyDelete
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