Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Where Were Her Pants?

“I think it’s funny that you can’t swim,” my son Tommy told me from the backseat as I drove him to his swim lessons.

Okay, look, I CAN swim.

Just not well.

I mean, dog paddling is swimming, right? I can dog paddle across the pool without going under. That’s something.

“I can swim,” I argued.

“But not underwater,” Tommy said cheerfully.

This is true. I can’t swim underwater. My parents put me in swim lessons and when it came to the part where I had to stick my head in the water, I freaked out.

“I’m a better swimmer than you,” Tommy informed me as I parked in front of the YMCA.

“You are,” I confirmed. Is it sad that my eight-year-old swims better than me? Probably.

I’m glad he’s not afraid to go under the water. In fact, as soon as he got into the pool he dunked his head in.

“BROTHER!” Natalie bellowed beside me on the bleachers. I hate when I have to take Natalie to the swim lessons. She never wants to sit. She’ll give me a defiant look and inch closer and closer to the pool. Then I’ll have to drag her back and she’ll screech at the top of her lungs. One time a kid announced, “That baby has a loud mouth.”

If Natalie isn’t acting as though she’s about to leap into the pool, she lays down on the floor. Do you know how many germs are probably on that floor? And is it wrong that I usually just let her do it because it means I have a few minutes of silence?

Sometimes she’ll tell me quite seriously, “I don’t YIKE this,” and cross her arms over her chest. I’ll say, “Sometimes in life we do things we don’t like. Such as listen to the Crazy Twilight Lady go on and on about how New Moon is coming out this week.”

After the swim lessons we headed into the locker room so Tommy could change. I bring him in the women’s one because he’s worried he’ll get lost if he goes in the men one alone. I always drag him into a corner and instruct him to face the wall in case a woman strolls by nude.

“Beautiful kids,” a voice called out as I handed Tommy his pants.

I turned around. “Thank—OH! I mean thank you,” I answered. I was shocked because a woman was standing about five feet from me. Butt naked.

Tommy tried to turn too but I griped his shoulder and made him stay against the wall.

“Vagina,” Natalie said, pointing.

I tossed her a Look.

The woman didn’t even seem bothered. A part of me wanted to say, “Can I get you a pair of pants?”

“How old is your little girl?” the woman wondered. STILL STANDING THERE WITH NO PANTS ON.

“Um. She’s nearly three,” I stuttered. It’s really hard to converse with someone who doesn’t have clothes on. Where do you look? I tried to pretend that a crotch wasn’t staring at me. It was really disturbing that I didn’t even know this woman but that I was privy to the fact that the carpet didn’t match the drapes.

The woman seemed to be in her forties. And I’m all for being proud of your body and all of that but sheesh. If you want to talk to someone, PUT SOME PANTS ON. Or wrap a towel around you. Please.

“Vagina,” Natalie said again.

“Where?” Tommy said and tried to turn around again. I wouldn’t let him.

“So is your boy in swim lessons?” the woman said kindly.

Seriously, where were her clothes? I didn’t see any around.

“Yes…swim lessons,” I said stupidly. I still couldn’t believe that this woman had dropped trou and was speaking as though it were perfectly normal to carry on a conversation without clothes.

“What’s happening?” Tommy whined.

“Vagina, brother,” Natalie explained.

I could feel my face warm. Surprisingly the naked woman did not seem embarrassed at all. She continued beaming at us.

“I just wanted to say that you have beautiful children,” she said.

“Thank you!” I replied quickly.

The woman turned. Hello butt of a perfect stranger! “Nancy!” she called out, strolling over to a woman who was (thankfully) clothed. Nancy apparently seemed used to Naked Woman being, well, naked and didn’t even seem taken aback.

As we were walking out of the locker room, Naked Woman (yup, still no pants) shouted, “Goodbye!”

Tommy’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “That woman is naked,” he whispered.

I covered his eyes. “Goodbye!” I yelled.

“Goodbye, vagina!” Natalie chimed in.

“Where were her pants?” Tommy asked incredulously as we walked across the parking lot to our car.

Good question, son.

Good question.

69 comments:

  1. WHAT? Some lady was standing there naked and talking to your kids???? I might have said something (and I'm reeeaally non-confrontational).

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  2. ROFLMAO! Oh man that is hilarious. This is why I like my local pools. They have a men's, women's and family change room. The family change room has many many privte cubicles to use so you don't have to deal with unabashed nakedness.

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  3. How crazy is that! Yeah, I think a little low on common sense if she wouldn't cover up just for the sake of being around young children. I probably would have moved as far away from her as possible or at least handed her a towel or something. Fine if she's okay but I might have told her she was making me uncomfortable with my children right there.

    HaHa! Your daughter is cute to keep chiming about "vagina" If that didn't prompt your lady to cover up, probably nothing above would have either.

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  4. This happened to me the other day at the gym, the lady was in her 50's and had her wax job done in a heart!! And she had hot pink lips tattooed on her butt. I was mortified!!

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  5. LMAO!!! Priceless!! Reminds me of the time my best friends daughter went into the rest room with her aunt (I believe my friends daughter was just about Natalie's age) and in the restroom...the VERY CROWDED restroom...you all of a sudden hear "Auntie!! You have a HAIRY BUTT!"...she yelled it at the top of her lungs..and then just continued...at the top of her lungs to ask question after question about it "Why don't you shave it, Auntie?" "My Mom's butt isn't that hairy.." On and on...her face was soooooo red when she walked out of that stall...LOL
    but seriously..where were her pants??? Is she clueless about common courtesy?? Geesh!

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  6. SERIOUSLY??? Wow. I'm not entirely sure how I would react to that one. So, I'm going to leave that topic alone.

    On another note, I can TOTALLY relate to the whole "sibling at swim lessons" deal. My daughter took lessons last summer and the place had a balcony section for parents and sibs to go to. My son, in the course of the 8 week class, threw a truck into the pool from high above, several handfulls of cheerios, a shoe, and in our BEST moment he busted through the bottom of his strawberry smoothis with his straw and the contents went all over the deck and through the cracks to the pool. Yep....that pool looked like someone had been attacked by a shark in there. Something tells me that all of the classes are going to be "full" when I call to sign my girl up this coming summer.

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  7. That is the exact reason once I got old enough to not have to go to the gym with my mom I stopped going!!! I was so tired of seeing old wrinkly bodies just strutting around the locker room ... eww.

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  8. Goodbye vagina says the future star of the Natalie sitcom!!
    hahahahaha.

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  9. You have the most ridiculous things happen to you. Seriously, get a towel, lady! Especially if trying to converse with a kid.

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  10. Bwahahahahaha!! Natalie is TO CUTE! So funny, yet so weird!!

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  11. ROFL! I nearly spit coffee all over my monitor. Imagining a little one stading there pointing saying vagina over and over! HAHA! Some people are more comfortable with nudity than others. Personally, I think stranger nudity is just strange.

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  12. You've GOT to be kidding me!!!!

    Oh my God, the best part was Natalie saying "goodbye vagina!"

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  13. People in my office are looking at me because I can't stop laughing. LOL Goodbye vagina! Hahaha! Bless your heart. I don't know how I would have handled that.

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  14. I don't get that. I mean dressing rooms are meant to get dressed in and of course at one point you may be partially naked ('cause I would never get totally undressed in one) but seriously, to carry on a conversation with a woman who has two young children- one of them an 8 YEAR OLD BOY...what the heck is wrong with her?

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  15. OMG-- I've had to deal with this, but not with LITTLE KIDS with me! I took a tour of one of our local health clubs, and when we went through the locker room, I heard someone call me by name! I turned, and there was this woman (nearly 60) I've known for years, buck naked! Without ever making a move to put anything on, she wanted to catch up on the past five years of family matters... I'm not against being naked, but how am I supposed to discuss all this stuff with her with her skeletal exposure? (I'm serious, she is beyond anorexic-- it's scary.) Poor Tommy and Natalie!

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  16. Oh wow...thanks for the early morning laugh!

    Shane
    www.calgarydaddy.com

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  17. You JUST COMPLETELY described our last summer's swim lessons! I can't believe it!! I am so glad we are not the only ones. THe look on my son's face when he saw the naked people...

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  18. Omg! I was laughing so hard I hate locker room naked people! I love Natalie so is too much!

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  19. What is wrong with those people? Why do they do that? Ugh. You handled it very well though. Natalie is TOO funny! I hope Tommy isn't scarred for life. He's probably a bit hit with his classmates today, telling them all about the naked lady he saw at swim lessons!

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  20. seriously think i just pissed MY PANTS i'm wearing... laughing soooo hard..

    i don't deal well with naked ppl except family.. and really when i say that i mean hubby.. and then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE my mom and sister.. but really, even those two are pushing it!!!

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  21. Did Naked Woman have to drag on her conversation for ever? How uncomfortable! As far as letting Natalie roll on the floor, just call it strngthening her immune system...yeah, that's what I'd say!

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  22. You lead an extraordinary life! First who is "Crazy Twilight Lady"? I never have understood why people want to stand around and have conversations with other people naked. I love Natalie pointing out "vagina" because that shows some major intelligence in your child. And perhaps you should have said the same thing. Just pointed and said "Vagina" and the woman might have gone away. Where in the hell were her pants? You made me splutter my coffee on my keyboard with this one!

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  23. haha oh my gosh! how hilarious!! I can't believe some people!! I love that your 3 year old kept saying "vagina"... haha that cracks me up!

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  24. I had a very similar experience with Hayden.

    Don't talk to me if you are naked. Its too distracting.

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  25. Wow! This had me busting up! That is ridiculous! I mean, I was the kid in the high school locker room who got the locker that was the farthest away from everyone and still scrunched up into a little ball to change. LoL

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  26. What's wrong with naked? Let the kid turn around and look, everybody's body is different, if she want to show hers so what - it is a locker room not a park.

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  27. While I'm not a modest person, I feel the need to change in the bathroom at our pool because I don't think that's anything a child needs to see. They need a separate area for children and their parents!

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  28. I'm scarred by this and I wasn't even there! I hate talking to people who don't have clothes on even when I know them....much less if I don't. OH MY!!!

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  29. I agree with the crowd, the whole naked in a locker room and conversing with people is awkward, but to do it with kids right there?? That's like a quadruple whammy.

    On a side note, I love that Natalie addressed her as 'vagina', as if that was her name.

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  30. HAHAHAHAH omg,this is unbelievable but funny :) And Natalie is quite a girl,lolol.

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  31. Oh my gosh! That is absolutely hilarious. Then again this is coming from someone who's probable significant other is constantly threatening to hide in her closet in nothing but a chicken mask and jump out and grab her lol. Of course, I have no children right now, just nieces and one nephew, but if I had any of them with me when that happened I would have probably been a little upset. That's a little rude around children. Well more than a little but you get the idea lol.

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  32. That Natalie is a character... I would love to meet her, haha.

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  33. Oh my god!!! I want to say "Good bye vagina!" to people with impunity! Why can't I be three years old?

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  34. I seriously don't even know what to say. This is hysterical.

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  35. Hilarious! I don't think I could have taken it as long as you did. I might have started saying vagina, too!

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  36. Nice to see someone comfortable in their own skin.

    Not nice to have to stand there and talk to them!

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  37. I'm not too comfortable talking to a vagina, either.

    I wish Tommy would have said something to her about her "missing pants."

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  38. oh my word! That is hysterical!

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  39. I'm all for people feeling proud of their bodies and parading it around, but I don't think it is appropriate you go over and talk to someone with small children in the buff at the Y.

    Some people don't want their kids "exposed" to naked adults and you would think reasonable adults should know that.

    I would probably not have been as nice as you were.

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  40. omg! That's just crazy. I understand that it's a changing room, but really...KIDS! Not just female kids either, but boy kids. Yeesh! I probably would have said something to the tune of, "Excuse me, but I understand that God made the human body and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but I'm kinda hoping to wait until my kids are older before introducing them to the naked body. Please put a towel on or something!"

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  41. I'm totally not against nakedness or anything, but I still don't WANT to see people naked unless I do. So EW! :/ I DO think its hysterical that your daughter was making such a point of her bajingo! *giggle*

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  42. ok look I have had a very rough day that started at 1030 last night and I am in NO MOOD to laugh and you just cracked me right up with that story!!!

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  43. I almost rather have my son's go in the men's locker room alone than have to see THAT! I am afraid if they see too much of THAT they may be scarred for life and I will never have grandchildren.

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  44. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Most likely the funniest post I've read yet! Lol Love Natalie's reaction. So priceless. :D

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  45. I am rolling...you are a hoot! (and you saw some hooters...lol). We had that happen last year at the pool, so embarrasing! I can't stop laughing!

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  46. Holy beegeezus! I cant even imagine! :) lmao! I was laughing out loud.. really loud!

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  47. Ok, I can barely type I'm laughing so hard. I have the whole picture in my head. I don't know that I could have remained as composed as you. And, I'm quite certain, my children would have made sure I was 25 shades of red!

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  48. The ONLY way that could have been more awkward was if the nudist had an underdevelped third nipple staring you in the eye. Wow, good post, as always thanks for the laugh! Btw, have you read Laurie Naturo's books? She's my fav author. Your humor is exactly the same. I'd buy your book in a heartbeat!!

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  49. Oh my gosh! What is WRONG with people?! Being comfortable with one's body is one thing, but doing all this in front of your son is insane.

    And I nearly laughed out loud at Natalie saying, "vagina, brother." LOL

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  50. Man all the good stuff happens to you. My daughter probably would've screeched "SPIDER MOMMA SPIDER"....

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  51. "Vagina, brother!" Now THAT is one for the baby book. You crack me up!

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  52. Yep, I woulda been creeped out for sure ;) But your kiddos are hilarious! My 5 year old loves the word vagina...oh my, tee hee...she would have been repeating it over and over too ;)

    Jamie :)

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  53. This post was hysterical! I cannot even imagine how uncomfortable that must have been. Natalie is an absolute hoot though!! "Vagina, brother." and "Goodbye, vagina!" had me laughing out loud.

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  54. Really where do you look when naked woman is standing in front of you!!???

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  55. That is hilarious and I LOVE Natalie. Next time a naked woman tries to talk to me, I'm totally going to say vagina!

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  56. Hilarious!!

    I go to the Y here about mid-morning every time I go and it's roughly the same time that the senior citizen swim lessons end....I have never seen so many wrinkled, saggy naked boobs and butts in my life...and they all just sit there chatting to each other totally naked like it's no big deal. One of my friends and I wonder if we'll be like that when we're 70, too. Though I can't imagine ever wanting to stroll around naked and chat with my friends at any age....

    One thing I do know is that after seeing their naked butts sitting on the locker room benches without a towel under them, I will never touch the benches ever again, nor will I sit my bag down on them. Gross.

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  57. Goodbye vagina?!! LOL. Oh man that's hilarious. :)

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  58. On one hand, there is nothing bad about the human body in its natural form.

    On the other, EW.

    That's one of the main reasons I stopped taking aquacize classes. I get it that they aren't bothered by nudity, but it irritated me that they didn't bother to think about whether or not other people are.

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  60. The naked part - not touching that one!

    Tommy being a better swimmer - isn't it a weird feeling when you get to a point where your kids are better at something than you are? Max is already a way better artist than I am. I never could draw worth a hoot - purely stick figures, and he draws animals, cars, trucks, all kinds of things, way better than I ever could. Kind of surreal.

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  61. I just choked on my Diet Coke,so freakin' hilarious!

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  62. This was too funny! But seriously, Sponge Mom No Pants has no brains talking to you guys with no clothes on. How rude! It's bad enough talking to another ADULT STRANGER, but kids? NO!

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  63. I probably would have moved as far away from her as possible or at least handed her a towel or something.
    free internet jobs

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  64. This is definitely worse than the time I walked in on my art professor butt naked, staring at herself in the mirror, at the gym. If only she would have let me pretend not to see her. But no. No she couldn't. She was all, "JEN!"

    It would have even been nice if class was like the next day. But no. No it wasn't. We both had to be in class in 20 min. Yea. There are lines that some people just don't see. I'm guilty. But this one was pretty obvious to me!

    Hello! Crazy ladies!

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  65. Yeah, that is just WEIRD! It cracks me up that she didn't even react to Natalie's comments. I especially liked, "Bye, vagina!"

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