I can’t help it.
I’m forever thinking that ghosts are lurking around our house or that aliens are scurrying about in the backyard.
It doesn’t help that my husband works the night shift. Usually when he’s around, he can talk me down. For instance I’ll go, “What’s that at the far end of our room? Surely it must be a ghost,” and without missing a beat he’ll go, “Amber, that’s the closet door.” He really doesn't understand my overactive imagination. In fact, he doesn't seem to understand imagination period. For instance I'll say, "Can't you just imagine an entire room filled with chocolate?" and he's all, "No, I don't imagine anymore."
You know that movie Anne of Green Gables? Anne is all, "Marilla, can't you imagine?" and Marilla is all, "No, I cannot." Well, Tom is Marilla. Only he's a dude. He's the dude version of Marilla Cuthbert.
So anyhow, Tom worked last night.
This means when I heard the scraping sound in our room after I had climbed into bed, I assumed it was an alien.
In my defense, it was a sinister scraping sound. It was sort of like, “ssssssSSSSSSsssssssss,” every few seconds.
Well, then of course I started wondering if a SNAKE somehow got into our room because of the “ssssSSSSSSSssss” sound.
I dived under the covers. I’m woman enough to admit that. While I was housed by my blanket I heard the noise again.
sssssssSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssss
“It’s just my imagination,” I whispered.
But then the sound was heard again. It was real. Something was going on.
I had to be brave and check it out.
I peeked out. I didn’t see anything. I started to wonder if I had imagined the sound. Silly me. It would give Tom a laugh when I relayed the story to him. He’d probably—
sssssSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssss
“EEEEEEEEEEEE!” I said and went back under the covers. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so scared if the wind hadn’t been howling outside. We were in the middle of a mini snowstorm so it made things even scarier.
Okay. You are a grown woman. You can do this. Just run across the room and flip on the light. On the count of three. One....two....three.....okay on the next count of three. One...two...
sssssSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss
What if it was a snake? What if it bit one of the kids?
I forced myself out of the covers and stretched my arm to the night table. I needed to find a weapon. The only thing I could get a hold of was a picture frame of Tom and I at prom (yes. We’re high school sweethearts. Collective “awwwws” now.) My feet touched the ground and I held the frame out in front of me. I’m not exactly sure what damage I thought it would do. I think at the time I assumed that the sharp points might take out an eye or something.
ssssssssSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssss
Wait a minute. It sounded as though the sound was coming from the ceiling. So it couldn’t be a snake. Unless.....
....what if it slithered up the wall?!
I just wanted Tom to be home at that point. Then HE could have dealt with the maybe snake. But no. It was just me.
I took another step. And that’s when I saw it.
THE SNAKE!
I threw the frame down on it and jumped back on the bed just in case the snake struck. But…it didn’t move.
And then when I peered closer, I realized it was my bra. I had thrown the frame at my bra.
Well, in my defense, it looks like a snake in the dark.
So if there wasn’t a snake in the room, what was the noise? I turned on the light and looked around.
sssssssSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssss
I glanced up.
And....
It was a balloon.
It was a balloon scraping against the ceiling thanks to the ceiling fan. See, we got that balloon for Natalie’s birthday. Natalie’s birthday, it should be pointed out, was on the 19th of March. Why is the balloon still here? Well, because the cat chewed on the string. The balloon floated upwards. It was just forgotten. It had been in the kid’s bathroom the past few days and I suppose it had come into the room.
So yeah.
I freaked out over a balloon.
And a bra.
I need a vacation.
Bahahhahahaha! This is seriously hilarious! I am the exact same way. Except i'm like. Someone is waiting for me in the closet.. or the shower... or undernieth the van!
ReplyDeleteToo much law and order svu! I need to quit watching that stuff!
Hey, at least it wasn't freaking over completely nothing. Almost, but not quite.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend works nights too, and some noises freak me out. I have decided that the dog would know if there is really something sketchy happening. And if she is fine, then I'm fine. I don't know what I will do the day she actually does get up and freak out, because something really is going on.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Oh girl, you kill me!
ReplyDeletehey I cant blame you! in the dark that black bra looks just like a snake!
ReplyDeletebahahahahah this is TOO funny!!!!! :) I too get freaked out by night noises and night "shapes!"
ReplyDeletethis time I am laughing pretty hard. the bra?
ReplyDeletehahahah :) I gotta admit I am really enjoying you "scared stories :)
ReplyDeleteIn your defense bras can be really scary ;)
That was a great story *AND* makes me feel better about my vivid imagination and all the strange sounds I hear (that my hubby insists never happened!) in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteMy imagination has gotten the best of me, too. I love that you thought your bra was a snake!
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way.
wBut once ehen I was around 10 years old, my older brother (about 16 at the time!) hid in my walk-in-closet (in an old house we had just moved into, where he said a man had slaughtered his family and buried them in my closet) and starting scraping on the door!
I'm still mad at him about that....
I had a helium balloon on my 18 ft ceiling for MONTHS. No one could reach it.
ReplyDeleteBaby Girl, you have the most awesome imagination ever! It totally could have been one of those ceiling snakes or WORSE and to protect your family, you threw a picture in the frame at the bra (and probably would have killed it too if it had been a snake), plus you turned on the light and looked up! You are the essence of bravery! No lie!
ReplyDeleteThat's funny! But at least there was actually a noise and something to theoretically be afraid of. You didn't imagine that.
ReplyDeleteI have freaked out over much less like a toy truck that I sore was a rabid animal coming towards me. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh my!! To funny... and thanks for all these images I will be sleeping in the house alone tonight.
ReplyDeleteThey will also set off the motion detector on the alarm. Balloons are sinister!
ReplyDeleteYeah...So far I have banned my watching SVU, Criminal Intent, Law and Order, any lifetime "made from real life" mini movie, Ghost whisperer and some episodes of Dateline. My sister actually had an entire home alarm system installed after watching Dateline. Just to show that if the "bad guys' don't get you, our imagination will.
ReplyDeleteI love your storytelling!
ReplyDeleteEarplugs, you need them!
ReplyDeleteHAAA!! omg you crack me up woman!! and the balloon thing has totally happened to me too!! dang children and they're love of balloons! don't they know its dangerous?!
ReplyDeleteA snake in a snowstorm? You guys must have some pretty hearty snakes where you live. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou had me on the edge of my seat Amber. It surely must never be boring being you--always an adventure around every corner.
It's good that Tom has no imagination, can you *imagine* what life would be like if you were both the same? How would you both survive all the snakes, spiders and ghosts?
As always, loved reading your post.
Shelly
Very funny, I imagine I can see things in the dark too.
ReplyDeleteThink yourself lucky that one of your bras can imitate a snake.
ReplyDeleteMy cat did the same thing to my Valentine balloon! And then it wandered aimlessly about the house in a creepy sort of way. Darn balloons.
ReplyDeleteplease tell me the prom picture was not harmed in any of this.
ReplyDeleteand i commend you fro being brave enough to enough get up out of bed to investigate. i once locked myself and slept in my bathroom because there was a GIANT EFFING TREE ROACH flying around my condo. and, like you, i am woman enough to admit that.
OK, seriously. Anyone who knows me and read this post would have thought I wrote it. From the Anne of Green Gables mention (I am obsessed.) To the irrational fear thing. Funny enough I was just getting ready to post about my irrational fear. You have totally inspired me. I have a funny eyelash story that reminds me of the baloon scraping on the ceiling. I must blog about it. I love your blog by the way. You always crack me.
ReplyDeleteThat is one very sexy snake!
ReplyDelete:)
Yeah, you're way too hard on yourself. Who wouldn't be freaked out by a phantom hissing balloon and a black bra? What? Did I just say that out loud? You're terrific!
ReplyDeleteWait a minute. Maybe the balloon and black bra are teaming up to Gaslight you. They could be possessed by spirits. Yeah! They could TOTALLY be possessed by the spirits of the twin spinster sisters who lived in the house before you, and... oh. Sorry. Got carried away. Anyhow, what is it with helium balloon technology? Those things are indestructable.
ReplyDeletei do the exact same thing when my
ReplyDeletehusband is out of town.
very funny story!
I like you. Found your blog on someone else's and seeing as how you don't seem to have enough followers, thought I'd help you out. I know, right?
ReplyDeleteI freak out over bras all the time. Especially when they are on the floor. Well, maybe not the one on the floor but
ReplyDeleteYes you need a vacation, poor thing. I don't like the dark at.all. So I can only imagine what I would have thought. At least you figured it out
ReplyDeleteAww! *hugs* I'm always so proud of you for getting up the nerve to defend your home and family against your overactive imagination. You're really very brave. On the inside. Where nobody can see. . .
ReplyDeleteYou SO crack me up!!! Ohmygosh! I was just like you right after I watched Paranormal Activity. Seriously screwed up movie that messed with my head at night for two weeks!!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter!
Where do you find the time to write all of this? I can't even find the time to READ all of your posts! STOP IT. You are sucking the life out of me! My family misses me and it's all your fault.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, do you like the front clasp bras? I found them to be less adjustable. You know, for my ever-changing boobs, apparently...
I'm the opposite. I probably won't notice, and even if I do I'll tell my wife that funny smell is nothing. It could be smoke from the hall or the neighbors or whatever. If the fire department comes we'll have time to worry.
ReplyDeleteFreaking out over balloons is EXACTLY why I never buy them for my kids! I know precisely what scraping sound you're talking about and I've been spooked by it on more than one occasion. But the worst - the WORST - is when one of those creepy helium-filled bastards floats slowly around a corner and you think it's a person for a split second. Or is that just me?
ReplyDeleteThat would have scared the living crap out of me too! My husband works night shifts sometimes and I hate, always afraid of something busting in and killing me. lol
ReplyDeleteHappy SITS Saturday Sharefest! :D
Okay, in all fairness, that sound would've scared the piss out of me, too.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for getting up and checking! That's progress, right?
Well, it would be for me.
LOL I'm sorry to laugh, but that sounds exactly like something I would do!! Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter to you and your beautiful brood!
ReplyDeleteYes. Yes you do. Somewhere warm. With margaritas.
ReplyDeleteI could totally see myself doing the same thing!
ReplyDeleteOnce, when Ian was in Iraq, I heard a noise. I thought someone was in the house! I reached under the bed for my husbands Samurai sword. I slowly unsheathed it. I took small steps toward the bedroom door to check it out, sword out-stretched.
If someone would have flipped on a light, they would've caught a half-naked, frightened woman weilding a sword!
My husband won't keep guns in the house because he's afraid I'll shoot him one of these days! He thinks he could handle me with a sword! :)It's our running joke anyways.
Oh this is so funny! We had one of those escapee balloons that got loose in our family room which has an open ceiling right up through the house, so said balloon was unreachable. It finally came down last week after EIGHT WEEKS IN ORBIT!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and I really like your blog - thanks again for stopping by mine!
Too funny. After Spring Break and make-believe snakes, you at least deserve a girls night out. i always worry about unlocked windows, especially when I am home alone. Oh and getting into my car in the dark when it's been parked somewhere weird.
ReplyDeleteYes, the mind can do crazy things! My problem is constantly thinking I hear things in the middle of the night. I'm a light sleeper. I can spend an hour wondering if I hear my son crying even though he clearly isn't. I don't think I will ever sleep the same after having a kid!
ReplyDeleteYes, the mind can do crazy things! My problem is constantly thinking I hear things in the middle of the night. I'm a light sleeper. I can spend an hour wondering if I hear my son crying even though he clearly isn't. I don't think I will ever sleep the same after having a kid!
ReplyDeleteI love it! I am just like you and that is why I got a dog! I figure that if the dog stays asleep - all is good.
ReplyDeleteI hate those balloons! How about when they start to loose their steam and they float around the house! Creepy!
I also hate when toy batteries start to go bad and then the toys spontaneously make noise! Eek!
Hahaha! It's strange how an overactive imagination can mess with our minds! I am freaked out by every creak in the house the nights my husband is away..
ReplyDeleteOMG, Amber, this post just made me remember something that happened about 3 weeks ago! Someone brought Garrett and Landon some of those mylar balloons for their birthday. Somehow one must have entered our room without me noticing and after Ihad been asleep for maybe 45 minutes, I heard this huge BAM, BOOM...it freaked me out.
ReplyDeleteThe balloon had been sucked into the ceiling fan.
Holy cow, it was LOUD!
I can totally see why the bra looked like a snake!!
Okay found you blog from someone elses and you are too funny.
ReplyDeleteA hint on how to get those balloons down...get another balloon with a string long enough to reach the stuck balloon. Put a piece of tape on the top, rolled like you were taping two things together. Holding the string direct the balloon to the stuck balloon. The tape will make the two balloons stick together and you can pull them both down.
So you are saying bras are not scary things to just teenage boys, huh?!
ReplyDeleteYou kill me, in a good way.
That's why I still have a nightlight when I'm home alone :-)
ReplyDeleteHave a great week.
jj
Tammy sent me! What a great post! My mother in-law has a balloon by her ceiling fan at this moment.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Tammy's Two Cents. So glad you were her guest blogger.
ReplyDeletelol!!! i often here sssssss noises, and I look around like what the heck it is that!? and got closer to where it was coming from, and it was the hot air coming through the radiator!
ReplyDeleteHysterical! I'm the same way, always convinced it's something - and my husband is also Marilla!
ReplyDeleteHa, ha, ha! You are so funny! But I feel your pain. I'm afraid of my bra, too. Only in the daytime!
ReplyDelete