Thursday, May 6, 2010

Happy Birthday, Tom!

“So for your birthday, what special thing do you want me to make?” I asked my husband Tom.

“Um,” Tom began. He scratched his arm. I can almost bet he was thinking, “Now how can I put this delicately...” Actually, in Man Mind he was probably thinking, “How can I say this so I can still get laid tonight?”

“Spaghetti? Lasagna. I can also make chicken really well,” I continued.

Tom still looked uncomfortable. “The thing is...maybe we could go out for my birthday?”

Which is his polite way of saying, “Your food tastes like feet, please don’t make me eat it on my special day.”

And okay, not EVERYTHING I make is bad. But I could understand why he wanted to go out. Plus, it meant I didn’t have to clean up afterwards. So it was a win win situation.

“Okay,” I agreed and Tom visibly relaxed.

“We can go to Chilis,” Tom said, licking his lips. He loves Chilis. He’d live in Chilis if it were legal. He’s obsessed with their queso. (I am not. I think their queso tastes like BURNT gross cheese.)

Do you want to know what I bought Tom for his birthday?

An iPod Touch.

Was I able to keep it a secret from Tom until his birthday?


But that’s Tom’s fault.

Last month he informed me that his iPod broke.

“So I’m buying a new one.” He wouldn’t meet my eye. He was acting as though he were one of those men who can announce something and have their wives be all, “Oh, anything you want, Head of the Household!” First of all....head of the household, my foot. Whenever I hear a man being called that, I laugh. I can’t help it. Then I want to add, “How very 1954 of you.”

“You most certainly are not buying a new iPod,” I told Tom. It wasn’t because of the price. It was because I had already decided that I was getting him an iPod Touch and wanted it to be a SURPRISE.

“Yes, I am.” Tom tried to say this firmly but his voice faltered.

“You aren’t,” I replied sweetly. “No. Sorry.” Then I switched on the vacuum. I imagine Tom was seething on the couch. I wouldn’t know for sure. But then he suddenly unplugged the vacuum and was all, “Now see here, woman…” No, I’m kidding, he didn’t say that. But he might as well have. Because he said, “Look, I work hard from my money and I deserve an iPod. So I’m getting one.”

“Fine, you buy an iPod and see what happens,” I said meanly. I gave him my Scary Wife Look and he shrunk back.

“I will,” Tom said. He lifted his neck, trying to act as though he were this big and strong man who could do as he pleased—but he looked terribly uneasy, as though he were at a fancy party and was trying desperately to hold in a fart.

“You just see what happens,” I repeated. I must’ve looked suspicious because Tom pointed and was all, “Hey. You’re hiding something.” I should mention that I am a terrible liar.

“I’m hiding nothing,” I insisted, but by then I was smiling, which is something I do when I’ve been caught in a lie.

Tom’s face lit up. “Wait a minute…did you get me an iPod?”

I pretended to be really interested in the vacuum. “Of course not.”

“Yes, you did! I can tell!”

“What’s that on the ceiling?”

“Stop trying to distract me. You got me an iPod! Can I have it now?”

I scowled. “No, you can’t have it now.”

Tom’s eyes got all big. “Aha! I knew it! Just give it to me now!”

But I held off. Until next week, and then I finally gave in because he wouldn’t SHUT UP about the iPod. Something about not being able to work out because he HAD to have music and did I know what it was like to work out without music (no, because I don’t work out). I felt bad so I handed the iPod Touch over.

So on his actual birthday, today, all he got was a card:

Funny, of course. We rarely do the sweet sappy ones.

And he got Avatar.

Plus I got him an amusing cake at Wal-Mart, which I have to pick up later. No, I didn’t make him one. I mean, I suppose I could have but he requested a store bought cake. I’ll post a photo of the cake in a future entry.

Happy Twenty-Eighth Birthday, Tom. Enjoy your iPod Touch. Now I want one.

In other news, the kind people of Beach Bags sent me this bag to review. Their website has so many bags to choose from.

(I'm also a fan of this one: )

I love the bag that I got and am impressed. It’s well made and I definately plan to use it when I go to the beach this summer. I love how it has my name stitched on it, too. That way if someone on the beach tries to steal my stuff (hmph!) I can be all, "Erm, that's MY bag because you see, that's MY name on it." (Unless their name happens to be Amber too, which would suck..)

(And bonus, the bag is environmentally friendly!)

I am able to hold tons of stuff in it, which is a plus because my kids sometimes want to bring all their toys down to the beach. Plus I can stuff a large t-shirt in it for me just in case all the women on the beach are size 0s with flat tummies. I can also bring my Little Debbie snacks which basically is the reason why I’m not a size 0 with a flat tummy.

Oh well.


  1. I'm sure your cooking's not THAT bad! Love your blog! I came by from BF and SITS. Visit me if you'd like at

  2. I'm terrible at keeping secrets and usually end up giving my man his gift early as well - though, it's my own excitement that makes it that way. He could patiently wait (which drives me absolutely crazy)

  3. Love the conversation between you and your husband - you're both hilarious, and I wish I could hang out at your house to eavesdrop. Is that going too far in a creepy direction? Oh well.

    p.s.~ I LOVE my ipod touch, like I imagine people in ancient Greece loved fancy togas.

  4. You should have totally let him buy one. Then you would have inherited it when he got the new one on his birthday!

  5. My husband loves that queso too!

    And my birthday is next week. I milk May for all it's worth.

  6. Happy Birthday the beach bag. I need a new one. The girls friends and I hit the beach for the first time last weekend. It was so nice to veg out eat and soak up some rays(with no children in tow I might add!!!!)

  7. What a stinker he is! I hate it when birthday surprises are ruined. Our rule at home is that if the surprise is ruined, the gift gets returned. Try that on him and see what happens!!

    Oh, and Happy Birthday Tom.

  8. You held out that long!? Whoo hoo! I love it! How does he like the itouch?

  9. I think you are pretty safe with the bag with your name on it - I don't think I know an Amber.

    P.s., I think you do pretty well "interpreting" Man Mind.

    Happy Birthday Tom! Enjoy the "good" food (and cake!)

  10. Well, don't worry about giving him the iPod early-- that was a real win-win, too! You didn't have to be the ogre, and he got his toy!

    Happy Birthday, Tom!

  11. Wow you are nice - my hubs only gets laid for his birthday!

  12. Saw your blog mentioned over at Trac's place and thought I'd stop by to say hello

    Nice to meet you, I hope Tom enjoys his birthday.

  13. i love that he was hold in a fart. obviously. happy birthday to tom!!

  14. My husband has an iTouch that we all covet. Serious iTouch envy going on here. Have you stolen his yet?

  15. size 0 with a flat tummy is overrated! I remember when I was skinny, and while I liked being skinny, I don't think I was nearly as comfortable in my own skin as I am now that I've gained so much weight. Ironic. BUt honestly, sexy is more of a attitude. Besides size 0 has no butt or boobs - gross.

  16. As long as they do get laid do they really care about anything else? Really?

    Ok, feet? Your cooking tastes like feet? I must agree though, I love the queso. The last time I had it though it just tasted like salt. Maybe that was to cover up the burnt cheese taste?

    Lots of yummy love,
    Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner

  17. Happy Birthday to TOM! My husband always manages to get his gifts early, too. And three cheers for awesome baggage!

  18. Happy Birthday Tom! Love the beach bag so cute!

  19. happy birthday tom!!!

    btw- this was the funniest post evah.. maybe though cause it sounded like my husband too though!!

  20. I have an impossible time not giving gifts as soon as I buy them. I end up trying to tease Alex with the box and saying things like "You won't believe your eyes when you open this" and "don't you want to just take a peak?". He likes to wait for "the DAY" to open stuff. I hate that! Happy Birthday Tom! I am so glad he got his ipod. LOL!

  21. I can't keep surprises either...though you really tried hard to. Tim could care less and I'm practically shoving the present in his face..."don't you just want to at least shake it?"

    Love the tote bag!!

  22. I love the funny cards too; I only insist on a romantic one for Valentines Day. Can't wait to see the cake!

  23. We also don't do sappy cards. They make us itchy and uncomfortable.

    Instead, we shoot for snarky and/or inappropriate.

  24. my husband can't keep a secret either. If he buys me something he ususally ends up giving it to me way before the actual special date. Really spoils things :op

  25. Happy Birthday, Tom!

    I can't STAND waiting for someone's birthday. I always want to give presents the day that I buy them. Last year, I bought Marshall's present while he was gone on a 50-mile hike (he came back on his birthday) so I wouldn't be tempted to give it to him early.

    Hilarious as always... "Now see here, woman!"

  26. Happy Birthday TOM! :)

    I am the same way about presents... except right now it my mothers day present for my mom! I just want to give it to her! GEEZ!

    P.s. I want the beach bag!

  27. Secret fail! You tried...he was relentless though!

  28. Don't you love it when they ruin the surprise? Men.

  29. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for food that tastes like nectar and food that tastes like feet ... do you take this woman?

  30. Happy Birthday to Tom! If it were up to me, we'd eat out all the time. I don't mind the cooking so much as the cleanup. Well, no, I take that back. I do mind the cooking. Especially when no one eats it.

  31. Happy birthday to Tom. That bag looks awesome.

  32. Happy Birthday Tom! I LOVE that bag!

  33. Happy Birthday Tom!

    {I want one too! We bought the teen one when they first came out and still neither one of us has one. How sad?!}

  34. What a fun beach bag! That looks great. I love the card you got for Tom, that looks like one I would buy for my husband. :)

    Happy birthday, Tom!

  35. You are so one of my favorite reads! Stop over sometime and pick up your award from me to you!

  36. Happy Birthday to Tom. I knew you wouldn't be able to keep that a secret, sure he still loves it.

    And totally, cute bag!

  37. Happy Birthday, Tom! And I love the bag!!

  38. The bags are too cute!

    I loved the dialogue between you and Tom. Aren't men so cute when they think they're in charge?! Happy B-day to him anyway!


  39. Your cooking can't be as bad as mine. I've taken that title already.

    And you had me at Little Debbie. YUM!

  40. Hope he had a great birthday! And I am pretty sure you are right on in guy thinking :) That is a great present and yes you should definitely get one, they are awesome.

  41. Happy, happy birthday to your Hubby. And yeah, I've learned to wait to buy my hubby's gifts till the last minute - otherwise I give the surprise away.

    Love the bag! I have some that are similar - you know what else they are good for besides the beach? Groceries, Target stuff, etc. Seriously. You can get more in those bags than you can the little plastic ones. That makes them TWICE as environmentally friendly!

  42. Happy Birthday Tom. I love those bags. They are so cute. Will have to check them out.

  43. Your hubby doesn't dig your cooking eh? When Todd doesn't like something I make, or plan to make for a night, I let him be in charge in the kitchen. But of course I still end up doing the cleanup afterwards! Ugh!!!
    I love that bag. I think I have a bag obsession. We have more misc. bags than I have shoes!!

  44. Happy birthday young Tom! I'm terrible at keeping presents a surprise too! Really, like sucking arse bad!

  45. Hope Tom had a great birthday!

  46. You do birthdays so well. I wish I were your kid. (Well - it would have been awkward if I said I wished I was MARRIED to you, right?)

  47. Happy late birthday Tom!! My hubs and I dont do sappy cards well either

  48. Yes, you really do have to have music to workout. Youre such a nice wifey for letting him have it early!

  49. After reading that, I don't know where to begin. So much fodder for making fun of you, so little time.

    Do you switch names according to the occasion or are you, as I've long suspected, schizophrenic? Yeah, I thought so.

    Size 0 is overrated.

  50. That was so great, you tough-ass wife! I can never surprise my husband because he just goes out and buys it without, *gasp* discussing it first. So, it works out well when I do the same.

    Smart girl, about the cooking. I don't cook much because I have a feeling my hubs prefers restaurant food over mine. Fine by me!

    Happy Birthday to your hubs!

  51. I hate being #53 in your list of comments, but it's not about ME, it's about you, and how as usual, you have made ME laugh.

    Thanks again.

  52. This made me laugh, I have pretty much the same conversations with my husband every birthday and Christmas, I just can't keep secrets and then he wears me down!


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