Monday, August 9, 2010

It's Been A Week....

Tom has been gone for a week now.

I’d like to say it’s been an easy week. But then I’d be lying.

The following things have occurred:

A lightbulb burnt out. Okay, that’s not a huge deal. But it is when you’re short. Of course it goes out as soon as Tom leaves. This means I have to lug a chair over, stand on it, pray I don’t topple to my death and hope I can reach in to grasp the bulb. It took a few tries and a couple of swear words but I managed to get it done.


Natalie told me quite seriously that she had poop up her butt right before I took a bite out of my lunch. Want to lose weight? Get a three-year-old.


I found an abandoned (used) diaper on the top of the stairs. Yes, a diaper, because my three-year-old refuses to potty train. Who just leaves a diaper on the top of the stairs? I actually yelled this as I gripped the (thankfully just pee) diaper. “Are we animals?” I continued. “Yes. Meow,” Natalie answered sweetly.


While I was doing dishes Natalie tugged on my pants leg and went, “I cleaned Max’s poop for you.” Max, for those who don’t know, is our cat. And a parent never wants to hear that a kid under five has been cleaning a litter box because it usually means they’ve actually made a mess of it and Lord knows what they’ve touched. I made her wash her hands for five minutes and I cleaned up the cat dropping that Natalie had dumped in front of Max’s food bowl. I imagine Max was thankful that I did that.


Tommy told me he didn’t have to listen to what I had to say because I didn’t know how to swim. Yes, he actually went, “I’m not listening because you can’t swim.” WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? (And I can swim. I dog paddle quite well, thank you very much.)


When I came down from folding laundry I found this:



What possessed Natalie to throw her snack around my living room floor? What clicked in her brain that said, “Hey. Let’s toss the pretzels and chocolate covered raisins all over? Mommy will LOVE it!” Let me tell you, Mommy did NOT love it. It must be nice to go, “Lalala, I’m going to throw things around and then read a nice book about Diego.”


If that weren’t enough, I was flipping through the base paper and this article caught my eye:



So not only do I have to worry about my kids, I also have to worry about bats. With rabies. We’ve actually had a bat at our house two years ago. I wrote about it here and let me tell you, I was freaked out. What if another bat comes back? Tom got rid of the last one. What will I do this time? Knock on my neighbor’s door and be all, “Um, excuse me, there is a bat near my door, it might have rabies but would you mind disposing of it?”


Man. It’s only been a week since my husband left and I’m debating purchasing a Margarita maker. And I don’t even really like Margaritas!

46 comments:

  1. you should get a magic bullet which despite what the name suggests - makes AWESOME frozen drinks right.in.the.cup.

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  2. Maybe you can get a fill-in Mail Order husband from Russia or something.

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  3. You can get the mix in a bucket. Just add tequila and stick it in your freezer. Yum!

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  4. oooh.... I dont like Margaritas either - but I could always go for a pina colada or a mudslide!

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  5. Tequila fixes everything. Have a Margarita. :)

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  6. If you dont like margaritas try Smirnoff Ice, or Mikes Hard Lemonades. They work wonders! =)

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  7. Natalie cracks me up, and poop is ALWAYS funny. When it happens to someone else. Hang in there, hon - it will get easier.

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  8. I think that you need to get a taste for wine and quickly!

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  9. You'll love margaritas if you use tequilla, triple sec, and oranges instead of limes.

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  10. I'm pretty sure bats are scared shitless of people, so I wouldn't worry about that one.

    Otherwise, sounds like this week was a real pain in the ass!

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  11. Hang in there! I'm sure you are doing great! Definitely try a Mike's Hard Limeaid. It wont fix your problems but it will make dealing with the bat a little easier! ;)

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  12. Hang in there! And I wholeheartedly believe tequila fixes everything so go for it! haha

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  13. Well, that you are admitting the problems is much better than complaining about them.

    I love the idea of a mail-order husband.

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  14. Omg, Natalie seems so cavalier about throwing stuff everywhere! Lol! I wish I could do that ;P

    Hang in there, I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to have him gone.

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  15. Maybe you could become a whino. I prefer the cheap stuff, straight out of the bottle.

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  16. Maybe you can get a Tom replacement...just while hes gone, so he can be your new handy-man!

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  17. That sounds like a perfectly reasonable purchase to me.

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  18. Hopefully the first week was the worst part? I will keep my fingers crossed that it was.

    I am dreading the moment Tori figures out what the litter box is...

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  19. Oh, my goodness! I know I shouldn't be laughing because you have just described a HORRIFIC week, but I must tell you, Girl, you are HYSTERICAL!! I'm still giggling! Thanks (and, hope things even out soon!!).

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  20. Well Girl, with a week like that (being that it's the FIRST week at that!) I'm sure you'll learn to LOVE Margaritas!!!!

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  21. Does Brandy know about that other Magic Bullet that does things other than make drinks?
    Don't stand on a chair - get a small stepladder, don't want you posting about broken bones.

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  22. The exact same day that a friend of mine's husband left for Iraq, she came home to what turned out to be a MONSTER leak. So at least you don't have that. Ummm, yeah. Now, she drinks heavily.

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  23. Just swig it straight from the bottle...less glasses to wash up.

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  24. Honey, get yourself a step ladder, and a shotgun for the bats. You don't need to shoot well with a shotgun, and it has the added benefit of maybe taking out those neighbors across the street who are weird anyway. No, don't get a shotgun. I'm kidding. Get Tommy a slingshot. Those are good for bats. And bribe Natalie into using the potty. See a week has already gone by! Doesn't that just seem impossible?

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  25. Oh, girl. If ever there was a time to take up drinking, now's it!

    On a happier note, school starts soon, right? ;)

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  26. YAY! Week 1 done! And boy does it sound like a whopper. About the bats, I would totally knock on the neighbors door and have them take care of it.

    Tequilla cures EVERYTHING!

    You're doing great!

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  27. 1 week down only 51 more to go! You can SO do this!

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  28. Making margaritas is too time consuming. I'd go straight to tequila shooters! If I borrow your kiddy/kitty, Natalie, how much weight do you think I could lose???

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  29. How about spiked watermelons? That way you get some refreshing fruit while you get sloshed AND, if you can keep the kids away, no one will know. I am frequently left scratching my head wondering how my daughter even thought of doing the wacky, illogical and always messy crap she pulls. And like the cat poop one, the sentence "mommy, why does toothepaste make the carpet blue?" is not one you want to hear. And I echo the 1 down, 51 to go sentiment. (Also, you can totally use that when downing shots.)

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  30. Good for you, answering that question "How many home alone military wives with rabbies does it take to change a lightbulb?"

    We can check that one off the list now.

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  31. *waggles his eyebrows just for you*

    :)

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  32. Tequila will definitely help... as long as you avoid it when you change lightbulbs. That's a bad combination.

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  33. But hey - one week down, right? You totally need to make friends with a butch type woman who would love to wrestle with a bat for you. That's what I'd do.

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  34. Oh my goodness Mama! You might need something after a week like that...you know Sangria is quite yummy too. You can buy it in a box, no need for a blender. Easy peasy :)

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  35. Amber buy the marguerita maker... you won't regret it I promise.

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  36. Seconding the Magic Bullet idea!! Hugs! You're doing fine!

    Could you please add the Blogger search widget to one of your sidebars?? I always wanna look up stuff on your blog but can't.....so, please??? I wanted to show my older daughter your UFO post, lol!

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  37. You'll soon begin to LOVE margaritas and you're wee Natalie throwing her shit around the floor won't even be an issue...

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  38. oh YIKES!!!!
    lol.. i dog paddle too.. and it TOTALLY gets me to where i might need to be.. maybe not fast.. but i get there!

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  39. Pick something to do that will let you relax. If it's margarita's then go with that. You'll make it through =).

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  40. Damn lightbulbs. They can wait a year. I fully believe that. I don't replace the ones inside of the round bulbous things that hang in my kitchen. They're scary and I'm 5'2".

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  41. I will not laugh.
    I will not laugh.
    I will not laugh.
    Really I won't.

    Maybe after I leave, but not now.

    Sending cyberhugs 'cuz I'm THAT kinda bloggy friend and not the the kind who laughs while STILL on your blog.

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  42. Okay, so one week down 51 weeks to go! Yeah! And you already changed a light bulb! Success!

    Drinking will make the time fly by!

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  43. You definitely need alcohol!! and a nanny? :)

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  44. Use Silver Tequila instead of the gold - it's way better. I think I'm going to make some tonight. I had to move all the furniture out of our family room by myself today since Shaun isn't here to have the carpet cleaned because the dog pissed on it. His dog. Geeez.

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  45. Margarita's are always in order!
    This was hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
    Oh and I think my family has the same entertainment center as you...crazy!

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