Monday, August 23, 2010

My Dear Letters

Dear Tom,

Maybe you need some etiquette training on how one behaves while talking on Skype. It’s not polite to call me a Yeti when I mention that I haven’t shaved in a few days. Saying, “Oh man, you were like a Yeti some days!” is not very nice. Did I ever tell you that there were some days when your breath smelled like ass?

Signed,
A-So-Not-A-Yeti,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

What’s with all the hair questions? We’ve already established that when you’re older that you will have hair. Down there. So why did you have to take it further and ask if you’ll get hair on your butt too? I mean, ew.

Signed,
A-Sick-Of-Talking-About-Pubes,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

Yay! You finally used the potty. But telling me that you don’t plan on doing it again is not cool. Thank goodness you did do it again, only you peed like a dude. This means that you got the pee everywhere on the toilet but inside it. Thanks.

Signed,
I'm-just-happy-she's-going,
Amber

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Dear Uptight Parents,

Really, it’s okay if your kid eats fries. It’s okay if you feed them non-organic food. If they fall down, don’t freak out about it. It’ll happen a lot.

PS—naming your kids overly unique names isn’t okay either. Naming a kid Cosmo is just wrong. And taking a popular name like Emily and spelling it Emaleah will be irritating for your kid in the future. It’s still the same name no matter how you spell it.

Signed,
The-woman-who-will-slip-you-kid-a-fry-when-you-aren’t-looking,
Amber


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Dear Vacuum,

I’m sorry I’ve been using you a lot lately. What can I say, I have a messy three-year-old. I’m trying to explain to her that we don’t dump our snack on the floor and then sit on it. And I’m trying to tell the bugs to not fly in the house so I don’t have to whip out the vacuum and suck them up since I’m too wimpy to deal with them myself. Please don’t stop working. I need you.

Signed,
A-highly-dependent-on-her-vacuum,
Amber

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Dear Halloween,

I know it’s still wayyy early, but I’m ready for you. I’m ready for the candy that I’ll say I’m picking up for the neighborhood kids and then usually wind up eating myself so I have to go buy some more. I’m ready for the costumes (Tommy is a creepy skeleton, Natalie is a peacock!) and I’m even ready for tackling the task of carving the pumpkin on my own (usually Tom would do it.) Sure it might end up resembling that scary looking dude on The Goonies but oh well.

Signed,
A-Ready-For-Candy,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

I’m writing to you again because I’m getting a little irritated over the fact that you want to change your underwear at least 5 times a day. You cannot have a Princess pair in the morning and then change your mind and want a Blue’s Clues pair an hour later. Likewise at night you can’t suddenly request the flower ones and then toss me a dirty look when I say no. One pair of underwear per day! You are not Lady Gaga.

Signed,
An-I’m-not-doing-all-that-laundry,
Amber

58 comments:

  1. I'm already thinking about my Halloween costume!

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  2. "You are not lady gaga!" lmao!

    I am ready for halloween too! Potty training kicks arse! I love not having to change diapers!

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  3. HAHA!! When Natalie is a teenager, you'll be wishing for those fights that were just over how many times she changed her underwear!! :o)

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  4. Give the kid her panties!! If it means successful potty training - then just do it!!!!

    *shivers*

    Potty training The Bella was beastly awful. I thought she was potty retarded. And yes, that's a real disfunction.

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  5. Aaaahhhh! I didn't know how I missed your letters till now, thank you.
    LOL!

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  6. awesome letters!!!
    and tommy sooo cracks me up.. hair on his booty huh?... lol
    poor, poor you!!!

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  7. Cameron has been doing that with his Pull-Ups lately, and it drives me crazy! He'll have on a perfectly good one, then swap it out for another one. So instead of having a drawer full of nicely flat Pull-Ups, we have a drawer full of barely-worn, bunched-up ones. Grrr.

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  8. I hate shaving my legs. I'm currently rocking legs that haven't seen a razor since last Saturday. Not two days ago...9.

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  9. I love your letter posts. These made me smile and I needed it today. Thank you!

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  10. Claire and Quinn are like that with underwear too. Good Lord, the laundry. I may just faint.

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  11. I am just this moment having a conversation with a friend of mine about parents and the stupid names they choose for children.

    A friend of hers just named her son Aslan Amantoor Mc_______. Yes, like after the lion in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

    I countered with the story of a girl in my old town named Starr Fish.

    Some parents need to be slapped.

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  12. I am a real yeti. When mentioned shaving the other day, my husband said, "why are you going to do that?" I have trained him well.

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  13. Thanks for stopping by my blog!

    Jennifer
    http://livingachangedlife.blogspot.com/

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  14. hahaha - You are not lady Gaga. So sweet. I have a centipead in our guest bathroom tub that cannot escape...you want to send your vacuum over my way? :)

    My husband has decided that he's going to start growing his "hunting beard" early this year...I told him I was going to start growing my "hunters widow leg hair" too then - we'll see who ends up shaving first.

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  15. Shaving is overestimated anyway. If I'm wearing jeans, who cares anyway?

    Potty training...it is in my future and frankly? It scares the bejeezus out of me!!!!!

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  16. Love Halloween! I am almost done with Jesse's witch's hat. Jon has the plans drawn up for the castle.

    Love the Dear letters.

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  17. My daughter had a classmate named Breezette last year. Sometimes I don't even bother to try to disguise my eye roll anymore.

    My least favorite thing about summer is daily/semi-daily leg shaving. It's chilly today and I'm wearing jeans so my legs haven't seen a razor since *gasp* Saturday.

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  18. I love your letter idea! I had a good laugh.

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  19. I saw a bunch of Halloween stuff at Michael's this weekend and I was stoked!!!! Halloween is finally within my reach...I love it!! And I love the free candy even more!!! Glad to see someone else appreciates the holiday, as well!

    Cole and Bella keep asking me about hair down there, too. But Cole's also a little concerned that along with pubes comes extra nasal hair, thanks to Tim.

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  20. Shaven is soooooo 2009. Tom, get ovah yaself already yet.

    As for the kids, pffft. If Tommy's concerned about having hair down there, he's old enough to help with the laundry. His first gig could be washing Natalie's underoos. Then she can wear as many pairs as she wants if that'll help her continue to pee in the potty. Win-win.

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  21. Poor Natalie. The trauma she will have to go through in therapy over this blog... Sigh...

    If she' wearing underwear, who cares how many pairs she wears a day? If they were worn for an hour, they're not dirty. Just back into the drawer. She's actually trying to SAVE you laundry detergent! If they air out every other hour, they never get dirty, right? Am I right?!?

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  22. Halloween? Really? I have seen that word a few times today. It is still August right? lol!

    I love Fall...it's my favorite time of the year! So, I am ready too!

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  23. My kid thinks she is Lady Gaga too. Too funny.

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  24. I love your letters. Finally, someone who acknowledged that non-organic food and fries and letting kids be kids (bumps and bruises) are NORMAL. So refreshing to read that.

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  25. I think you are entitled to not shaving your legs for the whole year Tom is gone. Yeah, make it like a science experiment. Just how LONG will those leg hairs grow?

    Yeah! Natalie on the potty!

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  26. FYI- You don't have to wait for Halloween to buy candy. Ask me how I know that. :)

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  27. LOL! Loved this post, awesome and funny.

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  28. My daughters are on the same page as you about Halloween! They want to buy costumes, like yesterday! I'm just ready for the candy! YUM!

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  29. LOL! Thank you for putting a smile on my face!

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  30. Are you absolutely sure that she isn't Lady Gaga?

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  31. Are you absolutely sure that she isn't Lady Gaga?

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  32. Are you absolutely sure that she isn't Lady Gaga?

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  33. Are you absolutely sure that she isn't Lady Gaga?

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  34. Are you absolutely sure that she isn't Lady Gaga?

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  35. Are you absolutely sure that she isn't Lady Gaga?

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  36. I'd be telling Tom that there's a rumor circulating that Yeti's don't put out. ;)

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  37. You know what questions come after the hair (down there) questions don't you? Prepare yourself. That's all I'm saying.

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  38. Natalie's underwear thing is too funny!

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  39. What a wonderful idea; writing letters to relieve stress! You are very talented and I enjoy your blog.

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  40. I haven't even thought about Halloween yet. I can't wait to see Natalie's peacock costume.

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  41. hhhmmm...how old is tommy again?

    and when he does get the dreaded pubes?

    i've heard that the thing for guys to do these days is wax and be bald "down there"

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  42. A peacock! I cannot wait to behold that cuteness!

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  43. I had no idea that Lady Gaga wore underwear.

    And Dear Uptight Parents? May I second that with a hallelujah, and an Amen!!!!

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  44. ha funny. I started looking at costumes yesterday with my almost 3 year old. then they didn't have any at walmart and much screaming ensued. so we're going to put that off a bit longer.

    and he's potty training too. and has told me "he will not use certain people's potties" and now he needs "privacy" which just means lots of pee all over my bathroom. sigh...

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  45. I'm reasonably sure Lady Gaga wears molded transparent polystyrene down there. Tell Tommy that his ass will look like Chewbacca's in a few years and it's Tom's genes doing it to him. Then tell the pretty peacock you're going to buy her a zillion pack of Costco tighty whities if she persists.

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  46. Speaking of odd names... my friend has picked out some really weird ones. Nariko for a girl, and Slade for a boy. And no, she will not listen to reason... lol

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  47. This was hilarious!! You made my day and it's not even 7 yet :)

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  48. But Cosmo's a fantastic name for a kitty right?

    LisaDay's last post – Cosmo's big day

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  49. Love this post! I may steal a few letters to hand out to some people in my life ;)

    I am also looking forward to the Halloween candy but have no idea want starnge creation my son will decide on being just yet.

    And look at the bright side atleast your little girl wants to wear underpants, when we potty trained my son he thought no diapers ment he lived in a nudist colony.

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  50. Ha! Loved this post! Too funny! I may have to post some of these to my family members! Love the potty one and the Yeti! I can relate!

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  51. Murray is going to be Pebbles for Halloween! I can't wait!!! Is Natalie's costume the Peacock from Gymbo?

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  52. Uncommon names are good...but not when they are weird! I hate when they spell common names differently...why? When it gets said out loud its still the same so you arent making it "different". Just choose a different name!

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  53. a peacock! I like your girl's style

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  54. I love your "Dear" letters...and we were just talking about costumes at dinner last night!!

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  55. I'd let her wear 10 pair a day if it means she's going in the potty. Hey, at least she wants to wear underwear! Excellent letter writing skills, Correspondent-Amber! You just keep telling it like it is!!!

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  56. I think the peacock costume is fantastic.

    I might steal it, except it's possible I'll be forced to alter it so I'm a slutty peacock.

    Wow, I just took something so childlike and innocent and made it dirty.

    I'm sorry.

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  57. Strangely spelled names are the teacher's curse. We have no idea how to pronounce them and the kids always look so angry when we get them wrong. Grrrr Your child will be unique whatever their name is, and I'm with you fries will not kill them.

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