Friday, March 25, 2011

Return of the Dunkaroos

“I don’t want to sit, I don’t like to sit, sitting is BAD!” Natalie informed me as I struggled to get her into the Wal-Mart shopping cart. She started off kicking and then she went limp, which made her thirty pound frame feel like it was 100 pounds. If I exercised and lifted weights, this wouldn’t be a problem. As it is, I don’t exercise or lift weights, so I almost fell to the floor.

God. We were going to end up on peopleofwalmart.com, weren’t we?

“Natalie,” I said through clenched teeth. Shoppers passed us and a few frowned in our direction.

“What? Do you think you can do any better?” I shouted. Well. Not really. I just thought it.

Supernanny Jo Frost’s voice popped in my head. “Am-bah. You’re allowing Natalie to dictate what she will and will not do. That is NOT good parenting.”

Ahh hush, Jo. You’re from a place that makes something to eat called a Spotted Dick.

Still. I had to show Natalie who was boss.

“Natalie,” I said firmly. “You will go into the cart. I’m tired and cranky and want to get this shopping trip over with so I can go to Sonic. Okay?”

Natalie scowled at me.

“If you would actually stay with me, I’d let you walk on your own. But you like to run off and Mommy is too hungry for cardio. You can sit in the basket of the cart instead of the front. Deal?”

Natalie believes she’s above sitting in the front of the cart. She’s believed this since she was two.

“Ohhhh-kay,” Natalie reluctantly agreed.

Finally.

Look, there are some things that I just know about myself. They are the following:

A) I’m not smarter than a fifth grader

B) The chick who sings that Friday song has an annoying nasally voice that reminds me of Urkel’s from Family Matters

C)I’m perfectly fine with having ice cream for dinner

D)I have very little patience

Now, my patience has grown a bit since having kids, but not much. I am who I am and patience doesn’t magically come when you have children. You either have it, or you don’t.

I really don’t.

Want to know what my first reaction is when my kids won’t listen to me?

To curse. A lot. To scream, “I’ve motherfu*king had it with your behavior!”

Now, clearly that’s not appropriate. So what I’ve learned to do is take deep breaths and keep my temper in check.

“I don’t like this cart,” Natalie informed me as I started my shopping at the circus known as Wal-Mart. Where else will you spot a woman in spandex or a man with neon green hair talking to his box of Wheaties?

“You have to stay in it for awhile longer,” I explained as I quickly gathered what I needed. With kids and husbands, you have to hurry and get the shopping done. Otherwise they’ll start to whine. I’m perfected the Quick Shop.

“Blah,” Natalie responded, slumping down. She reminded me of a caged animal who has admitted defeat.

“I want a toy,” Natalie told me primly as though she expected me to bow down and go, “Of course. And you shall have one.”

Instead I went, “I want a tummy tuck and a bit of liposuction.”

“Goshhh,” Natalie sniffed. I imagine she’s going to be even more annoyed with my quips as she gets older. For instance, when she says she’d like a car, I’ll say, “I’d like my boobs lifted. You did a number on them.” Or when she’s like, “I NEED the fifty dollar shirt, everyone ELSE has one,” I’ll say, “I feel I NEED an iPad 2 but unfortunately, money doesn’t rain down on us like it does on Donald Trump.”

I was nearly done with my shopping when I spotted the blue box from the corner of my eye. I didn’t think much of it because A) I was rushing and B) Natalie was begging me for Super Mario fruit snacks and I told her no, she couldn’t have them because she had THREE other shapes of fruit snacks already and she was displaying hoarder behavior and it was making me nervous.....

Wait. The blue box looked familiar....it....it...

“Holy crap. Dunkaroos!” I shouted, interrupting Natalie’s whining. I even blogged about Dunkaroos before. Twice. I wrote how I was bummed that I couldn’t find them anymore. And there they were, at Wal-Mart.




“Dunkaroos!” I said again, rushing towards the box. A man was beside it and he did a double take when he saw a twenty-something mother rushing at him. “It is Dunkaroos. I’m not seeing things!” I grabbed the box and hugged it to me. The man took a couple steps away.

“I’m not crazy,” I told him. “It’s just, I haven’t seen these in YEARS.”

“Uh, okay,” the guy said and hurried away.

I scared him off.

But I didn’t care. I had Dunkaroos again.

I might be on peopleofwalmart.com. I’m the one in baggy jeans and oversized t-shirt hugging the box of Dunkaroos.

The Dunkaroos made the aggravating shopping trip worth it.

(And yes, I’ve eaten the entire box already. No, I did not share.)

62 comments:

  1. I just had to comment that this made my day. It was the funniest entry you've written and made me laugh at my desk for a few minutes. THANK YOU!!! :-)

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  2. LOL! Great entry. I also am not a very patient person, but I'm working on it.

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  3. That was really funny! I've never heard of Dunkaroos. They must be delicious though, if you wouldn't even share them! I just stopped by from SITS to say hello. I hope you find time to do the same.

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  4. Wouldn't it have been awesome if the guy standing near you had said, "Really? Dunkaroos! I haven't seen those in years!" Well, that's what I would've done if I had been standing near you in Walmart. And then I would have purchased a box or two.

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  5. That's what I love about Walmart ... just when you think it's not worth it to go, they suck you right back in.

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  6. So that's what I've been missing out on by not going to Walmart. Darn it!

    Don't worry, if I see you on peopleofwalmart.com I promise to pretend I don't know it's you!

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  7. This just made my day. And I am so going to wal-mart to look for Dunkaroos like today. Maggie's over the cart too sadly for her, I am not. She's a runner too. Kids!

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  8. I FREAKING LOVE Dunkaroos!! i am totally making a trip to Walmart this weekend!

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  9. It's the little things that make life worth living for sure! lol

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  10. woot woot....I know how you feel! Same way when I found Pumpkin Poptarts it's like the Lotto of food! Enjoy!

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  11. With the lack of patience, how did you get out of the store without eating some dunkaroos first?

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  12. Some things don't change huh? Shopping with kids and men sucks butt. Glad you found a "you" treat!!

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  13. Yay! Glad you found them again :) Did Natalie by chance stare at you like you had sprouted a second head? LOL

    Good for you for not sharing any :)

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  14. I think I have LESS patience now that I did before kids. and shopping with kids is worth than a root canal.

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  15. I love it when those little surprises pop up just when you need them. I look forward to seeing you on peopleofwalmart.com.

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  16. Happy for you and your Dunkaroos! I was reminded of the time I bit my two year old son as I was leaving WalMart ........ He had a handful of my hair in one hand while kicking and screaming in my arms full of him and my WalMart bags, then he grabbed my nipple with his other hand and would not let go. I would have dropped everything if I had tried to disengage his hold on my screaming nipple, so I bit his arm and he released it. I did get an audience and one woman was brave enough to tell me that my behaviour was inappropriate ...... I growled at her.

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  17. I too am excellent at the quick shop! Glad you found your dunkaroos! Funny entry :)

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  18. I did the SAME thing when I saw them at our Wal-Mart!! These things rock! And I LOVE your Super Nanny impression.. even did the accent on your name.. haha Classic!

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  19. Sweet! I was just talking about Dunkaroos the other day. I'm adding them to my grocery list now!

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  20. Whoo hoo! I loved those things too.
    Oh, and my patience at the GS with kids is laughable as well. It is even better when Asher pitches his fit and throws himself on the floor.
    Last time? He threw his jacket on the ground and started to leave without it. I was going to let him, and make him go back and get it, when a NICE OLD MAN with a FRIENDLY look for me came and brought it to us. Thanks kind man, that learned 'em.

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  21. Ah, it's the little things that make us so happy! Dunk on, woman!

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  22. it's okay...
    those things are pretty awesome!

    happy friday!!

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  23. So happy you got you some Dunkaroos!

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  24. I'm going to wondering about Dunkaroos all day...

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  25. I have no patience either! And I Tend to scream at my kid when he doesn't listen. Think dunkaroos will help me?

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  26. Don't think I didn't notice you said you were a twenty something mom...

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  27. When my kids start with the "I wants" I usually tell them "well, I want to be rich and thin but it looks like we're all shit out of luck!". It usually shuts them up.

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  28. I hate shopping with my children. It's awful, but I do it for Dunkaroos. Enjoy!

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  29. I have never heard of Dunkaroos. They sound Australian - how exotic!

    My response to my kids when they ask me for something they are not going to get is "well, I'd like to be a size 5 again. Guess we're both going to be disappointed." My younger ones don't get it and my older ones are not amused. However it usually shuts everyone up. WINNING!

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  30. I don't believe I've ever had a Dunkaroo! Wonder how many WW points they are?

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  31. I used to LOVE those things! I can still hear the commercial in my head. . .

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  32. After fighting my infant for 3 hours to take a nap....this just made my day so much better.
    A. Because you're funny as hell
    and
    B. Because there is reason to believe that if my walmart has some dunkaroos I can stop dipping teddy grahams in milk chocolate frosting. That usally ends in me eating a tub of frosting with 3 or 4 little cookies. Portion control? I have none.

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  33. Never heard of them before.

    Are they a cookie?

    Cause really, dunking anything non-cookie is a crime.

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  34. What the hell are Dunkaroos?

    Sorry, I'm a little scared to look it up...

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  35. is it wrong I love that you didn't share? I would totally do that. (or just hide them in my desk at work!)

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  36. My mother-in-law just sent us a goodie box filled with treats for the kids. I opened it up and there were TWO boxes of Dunkaroos!! I was super excited. My kids are 2 and 3.5, and they got lots of other treats...one of those boxes is ALL mine!

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  37. Never tried them.......but damn I'm going to walmart tomorrow and gonna get me some!

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  38. This reminded me of the times I tried to go shopping with three boys under 5 - it was an absolute nightmare! I don't think I've ever seen Dunkaroos...

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  39. new follower!!!read last 3 will defs book mark to read back further..love the shirt and the cake..cheers

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  40. Nice! I love Dunkaroos and you'll also find me on peopleofwalmart.com. I'm the one with all my teeth screaming at the 16 yr old associate for not helping me find (pick something! they never have what I need in stock!) because, "I'm on break..." walking around the damn store....then GO TO THE BREAK ROOM *SSHOLE!...sorry, if I haven't scared you off and you get a chance check out my I HATE WALMART post (and always more to come) over at http://LYLASandCo.com
    Thanks
    Elle

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  41. Don't you just want to take a bath in that icing. Mmmmm...cookies and icing...who knew?

    PS. I've heard that leashes are pretty effective in controling kids...kidding. I don't reccommend that.

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  42. Your mommy honesty is SO refreshing -- I think I'm about the only other mother I know who admits she has NO patience. And I commend you for even remembering to take those deep breaths before cursing your kids out. Once I was so mad, my boys just giggled and pointing at my face said, "look at mommy. Look how RED she is!"

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  43. once I had a lady in walmart tell me (as I am sure I was struggling to get my son to stay in a cart) that her children just KNEW they had to be in cart AND when they were a little older they could walk as long as they held onto the cart...yeah, great I'm glad you have mindless drones for children, I, on the other hand, have a brilliant child with a mind of his own and he does not stay with me so thanks for your help, I replied. well not really I just smiled politely and tried to not bop my son when he bit me but...I totally understand.

    his new thing to shout I want it now! NOW! and then if I don't respond Okay, Veruca he asks "aren't you going to call me Veruca"...why yes, yes I will but you're still annoying so stop it.

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  44. "Instead I went, “I want a tummy tuck and a bit of liposuction.”

    You slay me! I have no idea what Dunkeroos are, but anything that makes you THAT happy simply CANNOT be legal.. can it?? (Hey, what the hell would I know, coming from a place that has Spotted Dick as a pudding?)

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  45. Glad to know I'm not the only mother who'd occasional like to scream, "I've motherfu*king had it with your behavior." I feel better, thanks.

    And my 2 year old likes to point to the floor a lot and say, "BALK!" (Walk) at Wal-Mart, to which I laugh and say, "No!" And then she crosses her arms and rolls her eyes. At 2!!! I'm in for it, aren't I?

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  46. Walmart is what I affectionately refer to as the 9th ring of Hell. It's the worst place ever, and unfortunately, I have to shop there because it's so much cheaper than everywhere else. *sigh* It really does bring out the worst in kids. My kids are completely different creatures at Target. Not. Even. Kidding.

    Dunkaroos huh? I'll have to check them out. You know, the next time I'm in HELL. Maybe it'll ease the pain. I'm not hopeful, but a girl can dream.

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  47. Funniest line in this post?

    "Mommy is too hungry for cardio"

    Pretty much describes every shopping trip with my kids... if I dare let them out of that bleepin' cart.

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  48. I'm so glad you stopped by my blog today because I've just realized how much I miss reading your blog every day-you are one of my favorites! I've let work suck me in a wee bit too much, thanks for pulling me out ;)

    My patience didn't exist prior to children, they've taught me many things and patience is second only to ice cream is dairy on the food pyramid and definitely qualifies as dinner at times :P

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  49. LOL My response to the "I want"s is "and I want a piano!!"

    Great post.

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  50. Ha! I love Dunkaroos too. And I have a runner who doesn't want to sit in the cart either. My husband just got home after 10 weeks away, so I'm planning a SOLO shopping trip. Sweet, sweet bliss!

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  51. This is Nobodysgirl from Bloop when you used to write over there. I finally got an account here and I was pleased to be able to find you. Anyway, I just got my Dunkaroos from Wal-mart. I think I'm going to make my boyfriend drive home so I can eat some in the car. So exciting! You should get a referral bonus or something for all the people you are getting to stop by Wal-mart!!

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  52. All right. I LOVE this post but am a bit crestfallen because I think of us as "justlikethis" but you are a vanilla girl and I'm a chocoholic. So sad. Also, Natalie is wrong. Sitting is GOOD and laying down is BETTER.

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  53. i have not seen dunkaroos in yeeeaaaaars. i don't even know how long. but i didn't see them in my wal-mart! what the hell is up with that.

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  54. You just described EVERY single shopping trip to Wal-Mart I ever have. Except I'm dealing with THREE kids who refuse to be IN the cart, on the cart or around the cart. I'm really so OVER going shopping if I have to deal with them and their butt head beahviour.
    Love your responses to Natalie. I like to say, "Yeah, well I want a million dollars and to be skinny, what ya gonna do?" Somehow my toddlers just don't get how funny I am.

    Anyway....so glad you found your beloved Dunkaroos to make it al worth it.

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  55. Stopping by from SITS. I had no idea they still made Dunkaroos! I used to love those. This kid and shopping cart scenario happens to me all the time. I feel your pain.

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  56. Isn't it awful when your kid goes limp and about puts you into traction? And I vote yes on ice cream for dinner!

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  57. Just wanted to let you know, I have gotten 6 people addicted to Dunkaroos since you posted this entry. Don't worry, we live far away from you so we won't be buying up all of yours! :-P

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  58. I found some dunk-a-roos in Wal-mart but 800 miles away. I bought six boxes!!

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