Monday, July 25, 2011

I Hate Mowers

“You weren’t supposed to put the entire bottle of oil in the mower,” Tom said as he chomped on some M&Ms while we talked on Skype.

I took some deep breaths. My patience was thin. I had been outside for an hour trying to get the mower to work. In 100 degree temperatures. I smelled like sweat mixed with gas. The liquid gas, not the ass gas. “Tom,” I said, teeth clenched. “You didn’t TELL me that.”

All he told me was to get oil and gas for the mower. The oil was baffling enough because I had all these choices:

And then when it came time to get the gas, I overfilled the container so gas spilled all over my favorite flip flops. So then I grabbed the squeegee thing that people use to wash their windows and started washing off my flip flops and this guy pulled up behind me and was like, “Uh, that’s not what that’s meant for.” As though he thought the main reason I came to the gas station was to wash off my flip flops with a dirty squeegee.

“Is this enough gas for a mower?” I asked, ignoring his comment completely. I held up the container.

“Yeah,” the guy answered. He was still looking at me as though I were wearing my bra on my head. He probably updated his Facebook with, “Saw some chick washing her shoes at the gas station.”

Then it came time to put the oil and gas in the mower. I unscrewed each of the caps. I didn’t know how much gas was supposed to go in. I just filled it until I could see the gas. Same with the oil. It wasn’t spilling out of the mower, therefore I thought I could put the entire bottle in.

But no.

I guess not.

Because mowers are bitches.

“You were supposed to put enough oil in until you could see it on the dipstick,” Tom said. His teeth were colored thanks to the M&Ms.

“It should say that on the side of the mower,” I answered.

“Most people know that already,” Tom pointed out. “Did you remember to prime the mower? Maybe that’s why it won’t work.”

“Don’t patronize me, Tom. I know how to prime a mower,” I replied. I mean, okay, I had forgot in the past. But I’m older and wiser now. Sort of.

“You’ll have to drain the oil then,” Tom said as though it were the easiest thing in the world.

“I’ll do no such thing.” I lifted my chin. “You can deal with it when you get home.”

Tom comes home next month from Korea. I’ll be like, “Welcome home…..the backyard looks like a jungle! Yay!”

“You have to take care of the yard,” Tom said firmly. “Or else you’ll get a citation and I sort of want a house to come home to.”

Since we’re in base housing, we can get citations if our yard doesn’t look nice. If you get some many citations, you can get kicked out.

“Well, I’m not draining the oil,” I said stubbornly. “You told me to put oil in the thing, I did, and therefore it should work.”

“You don’t put an entire thing of oil in a mower.”

If I were there, I’d have tossed a handful of M&Ms at his smug face.
“But,” Tom continued. “If you don’t want to fix the mower, I’ll just buy a new one. A self propelled one.”

Ugh. He’s been obsessed with self propelled mowers forever. I made him get a regular one because it was cheaper. His precious self propelled one was an extra hundred bucks.

“No. You can drain the oil when you get back,” I said firmly.

“It might be too late. The mower might be a goner.” Tom said this a little too hopefully. He probably was already picturing his brand new self propelled mower. He’d probably name it Prop. (Oh wait, that’s me. I name inanimate objects, Tom does not.)

Tom might be right about the mower being a goner though.

I’ll try to figure it out.

If all else fails, I could always kick it and hope it comes back to life. Don’t things work like that in Jackie Chan movies?


  1. Hire a teenager!!! It's less stress and then they learn to handle money. Win/Win!!! Going rate is $10-15 depending on the size of your yard. Good luck!

    *throwing M&Ms at Tom too!!!*

  2. Definitely hire a teenager. Even if you pay $20 it's less than a new mower or taking this one to the shop and think of the stress you won't have.

  3. yikes!
    i'm so glad hubs takes care of the lawn.. good luck though!!

  4. Ladies don't mow the lawn. Hire someone and for Pete's sake, get your husband the self propelled mower. We have a HUGE double lot and I told the Evil Twin if he ever bought me a mower, he'd be living in the shed behind the house. LOL.

  5. We have an electric mower. The cord is annoying and gets in the way... and occasionally you can accidentally run over the cord and tear it in half.

    I think mowers are just evil, period. I like mowing... but the mower...!!!

  6. If nothing else, hire someone to straighten out the oil situation - the "repair" job shouldn't cost that much. I highly doubt that the mower is "ruined".

  7. Yea, get a neighborhood kid to mow. They'll bring their own mower. It's just for a month

  8. I feel your pain! My husband is the yard man of the house, I'd be equally baffled if I had to take a turn! At least you know what it means to 'prime' it. . .I have no clue!

  9. After years of growing up doing yard work in Florida, I refuse to mow. In my neighborhood, the HOA mows the front yards and I pay an extra $20 every other week to have them mow the back too. It's a small back yard, but it's money well spent in my opinion, especially since my husband is gone so much.

  10. Me and mowers don't agree, too. Heaven help the weed eater if I have to do anything to it.

    That said, ask a neighbor for help (?). But I do like the suggestion of hiring a teen to do it. Much easier. :D

  11. Yeah - i would just borrow an already running mower or pay a neighbor kid $20.

  12. Sounds awful. Definitely hire someone to mow the grass while Tom's away. And pay a little extra to get that person to drain the oil so the mower isn't ruined. What a pain. Good luck!

  13. I hate lawn mowers too. Definitely hire someone to mow. You can always take the mower to a repair shop too.

  14. you are braver than I am. I don't think I could figure anything out with a mower to save my life. I say hire someone :)

  15. That's so funny, my mum just rang me and told me she's narked because she had to go get gas for the mower and got it everywhere too! I'd say it might get easier with practice but she's 64! Bring on August when you have a man about to do the crappy jobs!

  16. I agree with most of your comments... hire a kid! If it doesn't look that great, at least it's mowed.. and then you can wait for Tom to get home to fix it! :)
    **How do you have to mow with 1000 degree heat wave you're having??

  17. I would have done the exact same thing you did. How do you know what's too much or not enough? Pay a kid tell he comes home and let him deal with it. You did a great job at attempting this and what you went through to get the damn oil was more than I would have done.

  18. Definitely try to hire someone to mow the lawn. Its just for a couple of weeks. And see if there is a neighbor who can help you out with draining the oil from the mower. Good luck!

  19. You're angry post made me laugh--sorry. That could be me! I think you should definitely kick the mower, then when Tom gets back give him a little kick too. I don't think he'll mind, so long as he gets his self-propelled mower of course. :)

  20. Yeah, I don't do lawn mowers either.

  21. Okay- I would have done the same thing- I have no clue how to do that stuff. I think I would have called the gardener before I pulled the mower out myself :)

  22. This is why I'm glad I have no grass!

  23. My solution......yard service. Done.

  24. WAAAIT! You aren't supposed to clean your shoes with the squeegee! I guess I've been doing something wrong all these years...

    But seriously, I would hire a teenage kid too, or try to fix it in the driveway when a nice neighbor may feel bad and fix it for you!

  25. Yep hire a teenager. You got further than me. I know nothing about lawnmowers. I probably would have stood there for a couple of minutes, walk away and told my husband it didn't work.

  26. I poured the whole bottle of oil in our mower too. I mean really- if you aren't supposed to put the whole bottle in than it shouldn't all fit in there. My mower still started though, it just looked like I had started a large fire while I mowed there was so much smoke. Hahahaha

  27. I'd so hire someone to do your lawn but I'd tell everyone you did it yourself.

    You may need to buy a new mower then though to cover all bases...

  28. i know that you probably get like 500 million of these things, but i just wanted to let you know i gave you a shout out on my blog- because i love reading you!
    i know you feel so honored!

  29. I vote for someone to cut the grass too till hubby gets home!! I would have done the same thing!!! Well, acutally since I live 6 blocks from my dad I would have just called daddy, but if I couldn't do that, I would have done the same thing!!! Great post!!!

  30. I did the same thing once, with the oil in my car. Not a good thing. Said as I shake my head.

    I'd get to know one of your neighbors who can drain it and then hire a kid to mow the lawn for a couple of weeks.

  31. You're a braver woman than I am for even attempting to fix a lawn mower.

    I'm with you on the kicking it plan, though.

  32. Your post made me laugh... wow, sorry you stuck with the mowing while the hubby is gone. I'd be happy to come help you with the mower...easy peasy :) (It also doesn't hurt that my 19 year old son has taken over the mower care from me that last three years give or take lol)
    Although... my first thought was "wait..she actually has grass that needs mown in this heat??!"


Thanks for the comment!

Share This

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...