Friday, May 10, 2013

What I Want For Mother's Day

To be able to have a PIP (poop in peace.) My kids are older so they have stopped following me IN the bathroom but they still feel the need to converse with me while I’m on the pot. Why? Why not when I’m on the couch?



To watch my shows in peace. Natalie decides to do a dance right when Jeff Probst announces who has been kicked off Survivor. She decides to sing at the top of her lungs when a shocker is announced on Grey’s Anatomy (Bailey did what?!) I just want everyone to shut up and entertain themselves.



To not become a human tissue. Seriously. Stop wiping your disgusting snot on me, kids. Go look in the bathroom where you’ll find some fabulous things called tissues. And I’m also not a napkin. Thanks for the spaghetti sauce stain on my favorite shirt, Natalie.



To be able to read for a couple of hours. Natalie finds it funny to take my books—and HIDE THEM! “You have to ask me for clues,” she’ll say, which some people would find cute, but I find annoying as hell. I’d like to figure out where Amy went in Gone Girl. (I did, finally. After asking Natalie like 20 questions. It turns out she hid my book in her bottom drawer.)



To be able to WRITE for a couple of hours. I’m trying to revise a book I wrote. And write a new one. People ask me, “When will you have another book out?” Well, when my kids learn to entertain themselves. When I can afford a nanny.



To want to be able to eat whatever I want and not have to share. No, I do NOT want to give anyone a bite of my cake. Piss off. I’d also like calories not to count.



To not have to say things like, “We don’t powder our butts with marshmallows!” and, “Stop! If you don’t want your lollipop anymore, throw it in the trash. Do NOT set it on the cat! He doesn’t like it!”






Since Tom is gone, it’s unlikely that I’ll get a lot of peace on Mother’s Day. But hey, I don’t think anyone would object if I close myself in my room for a few hours after plucking the kids down in front of one of our beloved electronic devices: the television.

I wish everyone a Happy Mother’s Day, including my own mother, who is fabulous. She is a retired Colonel in the Air Force and worked her tail off. She showed me what a strong woman was. She has also taught me how to keep plants alive, though I will admit that I’m still not good at it. I try, Mom, I do try. PS. Next time you visit, do you want to make my front garden pretty? I’d do it but the bugs frighten me (much to your chagrin—my mom is a fan of most bugs) and quite frankly, pulling up weeds is not enjoyable at all. (Especially when there are spiders attached to it.)

27 comments:

  1. Ah the perfect Mother's Day gift... a PIP!

    Now how do I work that into the card I'm sending her? :)

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  2. OMGosh, those are too funny! I so hope you get all or most of those wishes for M.Day. Know what you mean about all of them but the human Kleenex. Haven't had that one in a while. But all the rest, I had to LOL bc I know EXACTLY what you are saying bc I live it every day also! Happy Mother's Day!!

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  3. The cat & sucker - now that's funny! BTW, any idea when your book will be offered in print rather then kindle? I don't have a kindle :(

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  4. Just last night I was trying to watch something on TV, and my youngest kept popping up like a jack-in-the-box and singing "Twinkle Twinkle" right in between me and the TV. Cute, righ? Perhaps the first two thousand times!! So glad it's not just me that it bugs!

    P.S. Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day!!!

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  5. I hope you get all things on your list and more! I know its wishful thinking but I hope you do!

    Happy Mommy's Day to you and the book - so far is AWESOME!!

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  6. Poor Max!! And seriously, marshmallows on the butt? Yikes. Happy Mother's Day! :)

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  7. I love this list! I can relate to almost all of them, I would probably blow a gasket if my son hid my book from me. I taught him very early that you don't touch mommy's books.
    I also would love to be able to just sit down and relax for a few minutes, because as soon as my butt hits the cushions they need something, even though I was just up getting things!
    Hope you have an amazing weekend and a wonderful Mother's Day!

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  8. ALl solid choices for Mother's Day! I love how the things you want for Mother's Day evolve as your kids get older. My first Mother's Day all I wanted was to revel in my new family and spend the day together. Now all I want to do is check into a hotel. Alone.

    And how is it they could ignore us for HOURS and then the very second we sit down to go to the bathroom or use the phone it's all "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, moooooooooom!".

    Have a good weekend!
    Jane

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  9. Funny post. But I do hope you'll get all in your list. Happy Mother's Day.

    -Honeybee
    http://herweightlossdiary.blogspot.com

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  10. We already had mothers day here in UK but I really hope you have a lovely mothers day!

    I am so surprised that has happened to our cat (yet).

    And you've wrote a book? What's it called?

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  11. Seeing as Saturday is my birthday and Sunday is Mother's Day, I'm running away from home on Saturday and going shopping with my mom WITHOUT kids.

    I hear you loud and clear!

    Hope you get a little peace on Mother's Day anyway!

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  12. Hope you have an amazing mother's day... Even though you probably won't get even one of these things you listed. :-( You just need to get away for a week or so. ;-)

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  13. I think these sound like totally valid wants!

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  14. Amen to it all! Except we don't have a cat :P

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  15. Happy Mother's Day! We hope you get at least the first one on your list! ;)-The Dose Girls

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  16. I do hope you can get something off your wish list! ;)

    Happy Mother's Day weekend to you!!

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  17. Awww...why would you want to PIP? I just got an M&M from my three year old for peeing in the potty!!

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  18. I think I want to get my eyebrows done. And some morning hashbrowns and afternoon cookies. Shouldn't be too much to ask for, right? We'll see!

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  19. With black widows and fire ants out there, I have lost every bit of interest I ever had in gardening down here in the South.

    And were you as ticked off by the ending of Gone Girl as I was? I demand a re-write!

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  20. Happy Mother's Day, hun!!! I hope you get some "you time" very soon!

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  21. I live in the Muthahood, too --where there's very little time to stop and smell the roses...mainly because one of my little gremlins has accidently picked all the buds off the branches..sigh. Happy Mother's Day to you!

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  22. Good luck with at least one of your wants for mother's day. Been there, done that, especially the PIP. Kids are why women go so quickly in the bathroom and men can read a novel before they're done. Visiting from Sharefest.

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  23. Awww poor Max with the sucker being stuck to him.Anyways happy mothers day to you as well. Another thing, this is going to sound rather wierd, but I had a dream about you last night where not only you were pregnant, BUT that your two kids were in the same dream as well. In one point of the dream I remember asking Tommy if he can give out the weather forcast for I remember reading in your diary where he likes to talk about weather.Not only that, but the next thing I can recall in last nights dream is where your daughter Natalie ends up putting lipstick on me. I don't normally dream about people I read about online, although I thought maybe you would get a kick out of hearing one of your readers had a dream about you of all people LOL.

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  24. I hope you found some peaceful time today!

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  25. I agree with all of this! Sometimes the nicest things are just some peace and quiet to remember how to be *you* again and do the things you enjoy doing.

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