Friday, August 23, 2013

Not A Morning Person

Beep! Beep! Beep!

What the—shut up! Geez. Why in the world—oh. Crap. It’s 645. Guh. It’s still dark out. Who wants to get up when it’s still dark out?

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Amber, open your eyes, it’ll be okay. Open them, or else you’ll go back to sleep and you can’t go back to sleep because you have to get the kids ready for school..

My eyes flew open.

Kids. Go back to school. Alone time! Peace!

But ugh. Still too early. Why can’t school start at 10?

Beep! Beep! Beep!

I’m coming! Shut up!

I turned the alarm off and forced myself out of bed. I managed to get dressed, still with my eyes squished shut. I shuffled down to Tommy’s room and tumbled inside. He was still asleep, buried under the blankets. What I would give to still be buried under the blankets. Now, maybe some mothers go over and whisper kindly for their offspring to wake up. I sort of poked at him and went, “Grkljwer,” because it was too early for words to form.

“Huh?” Tommy pushed the covers off of him and jumped a bit when he saw me standing there with my hair all over the place and my eyes half shut.

“Gafdkljsf,” I said again. “Fslsadfkj.”

“Okay.” Tommy has known me long enough to understand what I refer to as “my morning tongue.”

I am not, not, NOT a morning person. I used to be able to wake up at 740. Now Tommy goes to middle school and his bus picks him up at 730 so my alarm sounds at 645. Yes, he’s 11, I could make him do all of this himself. But he’s also easily distracted so I could see him lose track of time while staring at Mario videos on YouTube. Then I’d have to drive him and quite honestly, I don’t want to deal with the car line.

Anyway, as Tommy got dressed, I prepared him breakfast: a bowl of Golden Grahams. I do not cook in the mornings. Who has the energy? Not me. I almost fell asleep as Tommy ate. My head was going down, down, down and it suddenly jerked upright.

“Who’s there?” I yelled.

Tommy blinked, his mouth full of cereal. “Uh. Me?”

On that first day, I wanted to take him to the bus stop to make sure he got on okay.

I took a picture of Tommy before he headed over to his bus. Natalie had to get in the picture too.

“He’s all grown up,” she sighed as Tommy walked away.

I wanted to shout at him that it would be okay, to not let anyone be mean to him but I kept my mouth shut. I did not want to embarrass him. But holy crap. MIDDLE SCHOOL! I hoped he would not get lost.

Then I got photos of Natalie:

I felt like she needed the sign since 90% of my Facebook feed had kids holding these fancy explanations written in chalk. “First Day Of Second Grade!” one boomed. “What I Want To Be When I Grow Up: A Mommy!” I do not have the patience to write in swirly, neat writing on a chalkboard. Hell, I barely had the energy to lift the camera up and take a picture. I was so tired.

So Natalie got that sign.

I walked Natalie to her classroom and she didn’t even care that I was leaving. She got comfortable real quick and told me goodbye. Twice, because I didn't get the message the first time. I was pleased that she didn’t have a fit and attach herself to my leg but at the same time I thought, “You won’t even miss me a smidge? Just a tiny bit? What about our boxed juice dates as we sat in front of the TV and watched Dr. Phil?"

The good news is, Tommy did NOT get lost. He seems to like middle school so far.

Natalie enjoys first grade, although she told me seriously as we ate dinner that night, “There is no magic carpet anymore. I miss the magic carpet! I had my own special spots and everything."

I'm just pleased that they like school.

I just really wish it began at a respectable hour. (10!)


  1. You crack me up. No fake mom stuff here! Just the real thing!

    Glad your kids got off to a good start at school. Sounds like Tommy will do great in middle school.

    Bet you're liking all the free time!

  2. I laughed out loud at the "Who's there?" I'm not a morning person. I was glad when summer came because I wouldn't have to get up for everything. So pajamas until noon? Sometimes.
    I want to borrow that "My mom doesn't craft" idea. Or I'll make my own which will be something like, "My mom likes to sleep, or eat, or blog or edit photographs, or see friends or hang out with family, and who in the hell has time for this?"
    But I probably would use "heck" instead of "hell."

  3. Sounds pretty much like our first days. I totally cannot handle getting up this early, nor do I trust my boys enough to get up on their own and leave the house looking like normal humans.

  4. Tommy will do just fine in middle school. Congrats on getting up in time to get the kids off! Mornings are not easy.

  5. Bahahaha!! Love her sign! I have the same problem with waking up for school! As much as I want to go drop them off at daycare, I hate waking up to have to do so..

  6. I adore Natalie's backpack!!! And I"m so glad that Tommy seems to like middle school.. that's next year for me.. NOT looking forward to it :( Is he in 6th grade?

  7. I am still laughing at that sign!! Hysterical! You crack me up. I hope you can adjust to the early wakeup. Mine is at 6 every morning. Kids up at 7, bus at 8.

  8. I LOVE your sign. Seriously. Love it. :)

  9. bwa ha ha ha ha! the sign, LOVED it!

  10. Absolutely BURST out laughing at the part about falling asleep while he was eating his cereal!! Those is SO FUNNY!!-Ashley


    Golden Grahams. Girl, I hear you.

    Mine is 15 and starts next week and she's on her own. The rest of us work for a living...she's been laid up for 3 months like a damn queen bee so she should have puh-lenty of energy to blow out that door by 8:00.

  12. I love the sign!!!

    I hate when that alarm goes off but then I remind myself that it means they will be in school all day long and that gets me out of bed fast!

  13. HAHAHA! That sign is awesome! That's probably the only kind of sign my future kids will be holding.

  14. I can't stop laughing at you shouting "who's there?" sorry if my chalk board sign made you feel sad. I made it last year and now I just have to fix the date and whether it says first day or last day!

  15. When you yelled..."who's there?"
    And Tommy replied..."Uh..Me."
    I literally laughed out loud. You are too cool for school!

  16. Omg the sign still has me laughing!! So original!

  17. I love Natalie's Pinkalicious backpack!!! My daughter would freak!

  18. I TOTALLY need the "my mom doesn't craft" sign.

    Can't believe Tommy is in MIDDLE SCHOOL! Wow!!

  19. Who's there? LOL... thanks for sharing this, it really brightens my day. And I love the sign Natalie is holding, simply honest and to the point. No worries about it, you can't craft, but you excel in writing; each with his own gifts.

  20. I absolutely love the sign! I'm not up for all that either. I manage, barely, to take pictures every year (except the one year I can't find any first day pictures from for some reason), but no fancy signs here.

    My oldest is going into her second year of middle school, and we're much less freaked out than we were last year!

  21. I love your blog because you are SO real. And so like me. I hate mornings and I don't trust people who wake up all cheerful and energetic. I think they're aliens or something. That's just not normal.
    Glad school is good so far!

  22. LOL! In the first picture your little girl looks like she's trying to keep her brother from going to school! And I love the look on her face where she's holding the "My mom doesn't craft" sign! Too bad about the magic carpet though. If I was a teacher, I'd always have a magic carpet, no matter what grade! ;)

  23. I grunt in the mornings too - if you get a 2 lettered word out of me you're lucky!! So glad he didn't get lost :-) When does he get his locker? That will be interesting! LOL


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