Monday, November 3, 2014

Tom Leaves. Lice Arrives.

So I was all stretched out in my comfy pants, pumpkin spice (cream) frappucino in hand, ready to begin watching TV. I had How To Get Away With Murder ready to go, a show I think I like, but I'm still not totally sure, because it's a tad confusing. I did crack up with the whole, "Why is your penis on a dead girl's phone?" comment though.

And then the phone rang.

It was the school nurse. Never a good call.

"Your daughter has lice," she said kindly.


I sat up with a start.

"We've never had lice before," I gushed. "What do I even do?"

Why does this happen when Tom leaves? It never fails. Something always goes wrong. The last time Tom was gone, my computer died on me. And now lice. LICE. I shuddered at the thought of the tiny bugs. And then my head started to feel itchy. Did I have lice?

The nurse explained what I needed to do--the first thing being, please pick up your lice infected child. She promised to give me more information when I arrived.

Off went my comfy pants. I tugged on my jeans. I put my drink into the fridge. I switched off the TV. I look forward to my afternoons. I clean and run errands in the morning and I try to reserve the afternoons for enjoying the peace time before I have to go pick up the kids.

At the school, Natalie happily waved to me from the nurse's room. "Hi Mommy!" she said, not seeming concerned at all that tiny bugs were creeping around her head.

The nurse told me what I needed to do. Then the principal of the school gave me a paper that said I had to show proof of the lice product I bought, plus I had to have Natalie's hair inspected before she was allowed to come back to school. Meaning, she could be home with me for MANY, MANY DAYS!


When Tom is gone, I need my quiet time.

I had to get rid of this lice now.

In a panic, I asked my Facebook and Twitter people what I needed to do. Responses poured in. Thanks, guys. You helped a frazzled woman.

"We have to go to the store," I told Natalie as we walked to the car.

"Yay!" Natalie cheered. "Isn't it funny that I'm here with you now and not in school?"

Yes. Hilarious.

We went to Walgreens, because people suggested Lice Freee. No, that's not a typo. They must really want you to believe the lice will be gone. The only thing was, I couldn't find it. I went down the hair aisle and nothing. So I paced the store, and as I stomped down the medicine aisle, I heard Natalie call out, "Mommy? I'm lost!" I looked behind me. She wasn't there. See, when there's a problem, I want to solve it ASAP. I assumed Natalie was following me. I followed her voice, and as I approached an old lady was with her going, "Oh, where is your Mom?" and when Natalie pointed at me, she gave me the evil eye. I'm sorry Gertie, it's my first time dealing with lice. Forgive me.

I eventually found Lice Freee and my eyes went wide at the price. $24.99.

"What the f*ck?" I said, and Natalie told me primly, "That's not a friendly word."

"I hope you didn't want dinner tomorrow," I joked as I grabbed the box.

"I did, actually," Natalie answered seriously.

We weren't done with the Lice Freee though. Nope, other people suggested this Fairy Tale stuff at Ulta. So I thought we should get that too, just in case Lice Freee didn't work. Then we needed a hair dryer, because the nurse had suggested using that to help kill the eggs. I'm probably the only person with a vagina who doesn't own a hair dryer. This is because I always air dry my hair.

"Look at this!" Natalie said, holding up some body spray. "It says it has SPARKLES!"

"Natalie, how can you be so excited? Don't you know you have bugs crawling around your head as we speak?"

"Nona told me bugs are good," Natalie replied matter-of-factly.

"Not these," I assured her.

By the time I was done with all the stores, we had spent about $70.

Then it was time to start the treatment. People were all, "It took me hours to go through my kid's hair," and I was thinking, "WTF?" again. Then I had woe as me moments, because of course, OF COURSE this all happens when Tom is gone.

The treatment smelled weird and I hoped it would work. Meanwhile, Tommy came home and immediately freaked out because A) we were there and usually he's home first. He does not like surprises and B) I told him about the lice and the thought of them sent him into a panic.

(Good news! Tommy didn't have lice. After he calmed down, he allowed me to check.)

The rest of the day was spent doing treatments, combing out Natalie's hair, blow drying Natalie's hair, rinsing out the treatments, and then repeating.

I crossed my fingers, hoping Natalie was lice free.

The next day, I had to bring Natalie to the nurse's room to ensure she was lice and egg free. The nurse checked her over and said she was good to go. Yes! Yes!

Only Natalie wasn't happy, because I told her there was a chance she could be sent home, and she was hoping for it. So when the nurse said she could go to class, she nearly cried.

She went to class, because I reminded her it was Halloween and that we got to go Trick or Treating later. I also promised that I'd have lunch with her the following week.

As I left her school, I put on my sunglasses and went, "It's been handled," like Olivia Pope. I freaked out a Mom who walked past in the process, but you know, it HAS been handled, and lice is no joke.

So again.


It's been handled.

(I hope. Lice can return. Please, please, please let it not return.)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Awe...that stinks that you had to spend so much to get rid of them. When an e-mail came recently about lice going around our elementary school. I took my kiddo to have his head shaved. He loved it.

  3. whew. so glad you made it through. lice is so frustrating!!

  4. Make sure you vaccuum your carpets and her mattress. Put her pillow and sheets and blankets in the dryer on your hottest setting for an hour. If she sleeps with any stuffed animals do the same to them. I'm the oldest of 5 girls, so I've definitely been through the whole lice ritual a few times growing up. It sucks, but the good news is: we always win!!

  5. In a pinch, if the stores are closed mayonnaise works as well. (So does Miracle Whip). I've used it once when the stores were closed and our step son came over with lice. Not fun. Not fun at all.

  6. We've had lice a time or two at our house. It's not fun at all! I'm glad you're treatment regimen worked out. I hope those nasty bugs stay gone!

  7. I hate lice with a passion. My kids have had them a few times because some parents do not regularly treat their kids' hairs so after a few weeks my little girl got them again! I have done the mayo thing and the super fine toothed comb, I pick the nit with my fingers and tried all shampoos. Finally found a local organic one that works wonders. I use it on her hair at least twice a week now. No lice since then and hopefully stays that way because she has curly hair!

  8. Gah! My head is itching having just read this! I'm glad it only took one day though. I remember having lice once as a child, and my hair was so thick we thought we'd never get it all out!

  9. I am so happy it didn't take days and days like it used to. That sounds really quick and effective!

  10. My head itched reading this. At least you got it taken care of in a day! I know for some people, it takes more than one treatment and more than one day! Yay for being lice freee!

  11. WHEW! I'm glad you handled that, and may I add like a MOM (which is better than a BOSS IMO)
    I swear everything happens when I'm home… it's like the kids and dog smell fear or free time.
    Anyway, glad everything worked out for you.

    I just saw an ad here locally for a Lice Salon, it's for lice… that's it.
    Wishing you a stress free week!

  12. The only reason I have a blow dryer is because my MIL left hers here. Not looking forward to the day that we have to deal with lice.

  13. Augh! I am NOT looking forward to the day one of my children gets lice. I think I'll just shave the kid's head - even if it's a girl.

  14. AHHHHHH! I can only imagine how much the ordeal must have freaked you out because you do so much to make sure everything is always clean! I mean, you wash your sheets every week! Natalie is way too funny. I cant believe she was nonchalant about it! LOL

  15. I am itchy just reading this post.

    So glad you were able to get rid of them. I can't even imagine. And $70 is A LOT of money to spend on getting rid of those things.

    Your daughter cracks me up.

  16. Oh GAWD I remember going through lice with my kids…over and over. It got to the point where I became a pro at spotting those suckers from miles away on a kid's head. Fingers crossed that you NEVER have to go through it again.

  17. OMG if my kids get lice I'm going to freak!!

  18. Too cute that she was so calm about it. Gotta love kids.

  19. OH YIKES and ugh. So gross and so expensive. I am glad you got rid of it and hope for your sake it never returns!

  20. Oh my gosh, my worst nightmare!!! Ok deep breaths, you handled it and so can I!

  21. "No." Bahahahaha! I had laughter building up and then that single word made it happen. Seriously... this is the funniest post I've read in a long ass time. And it's about lice. Girl. I love you!

  22. Lice - it's like a parenting right of passage. My younger son had lice once and I swear I about had a heart attack. You handled it so calmly!

  23. I don't own a hair dryer either! lol at it's handled. and I'm glad it's handled!!

  24. Such a pain in the butt! My older son had it once like 3 years ago and he has short hair but it took forever to comb out. So I feel your pain. Glad your son didn't get it too. And yes, treatments are expensive. I was told mayo works the same way.

  25. Lice was my worst nightmare growing up, so props to her for handling it so nonchalantly. I will say that I always weirdly loved getting checked for lice, because it was like a head massage. I managed to never get it. Now I'm praying that any future children never get it either :(

  26. I remember back in the day when I was in Elementary School some one had lice so they made EVERYONE get checked - and even if you didn't have any, they wanted some treatment. My dad took a razor and shaved my head off.

    I didn't have lice, and I didn't have hair for a while, but I was picked on endlessly.

  27. HAHA! "It has been handled." Best line ever.
    So glad this didn't cancel Halloween and you didn't have to cut her hair off and you didn't get it either!

    $70 is rough, though.

  28. This freaks me out. The thought of dealing with it in my kids' hair, what if it's in mine, having to make sure everything in the house is bug free. Ick.

    I had it in high school(thanks to my lab partner, whose parents just shaved his head when he got it) and I remember it being a big ordeal.

  29. Ewww. I didn't realize that you could get rid of it in a day, but at least now I know what to buy if my daughter ever gets it. I hope the lice doesn't come back!

  30. That sucks, but it's also amazing how quickly you got rid of it. Here in Los Angeles Unified they went away with the rule about being unable to go to school with lice. Kids are kept at school!

  31. I have a hair dryer but we rarely use it, we are definitely an air dry family. Actually my hair is wet right now.


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