Monday, July 3, 2006

No Quickies Allowed

It is HOT.

I feel like I'm melting.

Today is the base carnival. I'm thrilled because it means rides that spin and junk food. I plan on eating a funnel cake, a candy apple, cotton candy and whatever other unhealthy substance that I can get my hands on.

(Now my mouth is watering.)

I'm excited about the rides. And excited because Jennifer likes them too. It's no fun going on rides by yourself.

Nothing much happened over the weekend. Tom had to work. And, this weekend was also the time that I ovulated (occording to the dates) so I was all prepared to get down and...well just just down I guess. When Tom announced he was going to bed Friday I rushed upstairs, flung myself on the bed, my back to the mattress and said a la Monica Gellar-Bing..

"Fertilize me!"

Tom, he was not amused. He looked at me with tired eyes as he striped off his clothes.

"Amber I'm just so tired..."

I put my arms around his neck and started kissing the side of his face.

"Doesn't matter. I'll do the work," I explained.

Tom unwound my hands from his neck. "Amber. No. Not tonight."

Ten minutes later, he was asleep.

How does he DO that? Fall asleep so fast? Even when I'm exhausted I still spend hours tossing and turning.

Saturday, it was the same.

Sunday, I was tired of being pushed aside so I was determined to get laid and be fertilized.

I put my foot down.

"We are having sex tonight and that's final!" I shrieked at Tom.

He looked at me again with tired eyes. "I've just had such a long day at work.."

I threw my hands in the air. "Me too! My foot was crushed by a bunch of pots when I was trying to organize the cupboard, I ran out of Windex so I tried to use another cleaner and now we have streaks, I burnt my fingers on the toaster, Tommy farted on my leg, I really wanted chocolate ice cream but the store didn't have any so I settled for vanilla, which tasted like a dirty foot and the neighbor caught me talking to myself. So see? I had a rough day too!"

Tom looked unamused. He just went, "Are you finished?"

I nodded. "I think so." Then I started to make my way over to him. "So.." I said in a suggestive tone.

Tom yawned.

"Do I need to do a dance?" I asked and then slid off the bed before he could respond. Then I started gyrating my hips, in a way I thought was sexy but probably looked like I had ice down my pants and was working hard to get it out.

"Amber. Please stop," Tom said, looking at me in alarm.

"Can you deal with this?" I wondered, swirling my butt against him.

"Oh my God.." is all Tom said. But not in a turned on way. In a "who the hell did I marry?" kind of way.

Finally I stopped. Then I put my hands on my hips. "Look Tom, it can just be a quickie okay. It's my peak time. Okay? That's all I'm asking. Just two minutes of your time, just TWO MINUTES!"

Tom furrowed his eyebrows. "No."


"No. I don't want to conceive our child with a," Tom made a horrified face, "quickie. I want him or her to be born out of love.."


I'm always saying that I wish Tom would be more romantic. That he'd behave like the heroes in the movies I like to watch. (Namely, The Notebook.) But now. Now I didn't find it sweet or romantic at all. At that moment I wish I had a Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am kind of husband. But no. I have one that has to draw it out, that wants to kiss every inch of my body before consumating our love.

"But my peak time.." I said softly, realizing I was losing this arguement.

"Maybe tomorrow. Okay?" Tom said and popped a kiss on my lips.

Of course today he's working the base carnival. He volunteered. Because it means an added bullet for his records. Which means he could get an award out of this base. Which also looks good on his records.

I know he works hard. I do. But a part of me wants to write Tom's bosses a letter like this:

Dear Tom's bosses,

Could you not work Tom so hard? He's trying to fertilize me. He is unable to perform after working with you people and I'm ovulating.

With warm (and hopefully fertile) regards,
Amber (who wants to have baby number two and needs your help)


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