Thursday, August 11, 2016
9 Thoughts I've Had During A Pap Smear
Ah, the yearly exam. The Pap Smear. I dread it. But I do it, because I know it's important that I'm checked for cervical cancer. I don't even have to do it yearly anymore. Since I'm over 30, I can go every 3 years. Still. When it's time to get it done, I'm not pleased even though it doesn't even hurt. It's just uncomfortable. Awkward. There are several thoughts that run through my head as I'm going through a Pap Smear.
1. I must hide my underwear! This makes no sense because the doctor is going to see my junk so who cares if she sees my underwear? But I have to make sure they are balled between my jeans and shirt.
2. I need to hurry and undress! What if the doctor walks in and sees my pale ass waving in the air? Yes, I undress as fast as I can which again, is silly. The doctor is going to see me naked anyway. Plus, she always knocks before entering. But suppose she doesn't and walks in and I'm bending over...
3. Please don't fart, please don't fart. I mean. When the speculum is in, there's pressure. So.
4. I can't just "let my legs fall open." The doctor always says this. "Let your legs fall open." It's hard. All my instincts are telling me NOT to let the giant swab in.
5. I hope the doctor can tell I showered before coming in AND used the body scrub. Yes, I always bathe before a yearly exam. I make sure I smell like fruit.
6. She told me I have a nice cervix! Go me! I'd probably cry if she said my cervix sucked.
7. Oh crap. I forgot to shave. Should I have painted my nails? Not that the doctor is even looking at my legs OR nails...
8. Is it over? Yay, it's over! And then I put my clothes back on at lightening speed in case the doctor forgot something and returns.
9. Phew. Results are normal. After I get the results in the mail, I always breathe a sigh of relief.
Look, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world to do. But it's important. So if you're female, be sure to have it done. If you're a dude reading this, sorry. But I hope you go to your prostate exam.
Do you have any odd thoughts running through your head when you're on the exam table?