Thursday, August 11, 2016

9 Thoughts I've Had During A Pap Smear

Ah, the yearly exam. The Pap Smear. I dread it. But I do it, because I know it's important that I'm checked for cervical cancer. I don't even have to do it yearly anymore. Since I'm over 30, I can go every 3 years. Still. When it's time to get it done, I'm not pleased even though it doesn't even hurt. It's just uncomfortable. Awkward. There are several thoughts that run through my head as I'm going through a Pap Smear.

1. I must hide my underwear! This makes no sense because the doctor is going to see my junk so who cares if she sees my underwear? But I have to make sure they are balled between my jeans and shirt.

2. I need to hurry and undress! What if the doctor walks in and sees my pale ass waving in the air? Yes, I undress as fast as I can which again, is silly. The doctor is going to see me naked anyway. Plus, she always knocks before entering. But suppose she doesn't and walks in and I'm bending over...

3. Please don't fart, please don't fart. I mean. When the speculum is in, there's pressure. So.

4. I can't just "let my legs fall open." The doctor always says this. "Let your legs fall open." It's hard. All my instincts are telling me NOT to let the giant swab in.

5. I hope the doctor can tell I showered before coming in AND used the body scrub. Yes, I always bathe before a yearly exam. I make sure I smell like fruit.

6. She told me I have a nice cervix! Go me! I'd probably cry if she said my cervix sucked.

7. Oh crap. I forgot to shave. Should I have painted my nails? Not that the doctor is even looking at my legs OR nails...

8. Is it over? Yay, it's over! And then I put my clothes back on at lightening speed in case the doctor forgot something and returns.

9. Phew. Results are normal. After I get the results in the mail, I always breathe a sigh of relief.

Look, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world to do. But it's important. So if you're female, be sure to have it done. If you're a dude reading this, sorry. But I hope you go to your prostate exam.

Do you have any odd thoughts running through your head when you're on the exam table?


  1. BAHAHA I make sure I smell like fruit!! This is too funny but so true! But only in the US do they make you go for a yearly pap... Everywhere else is 3 years unless you've had an abnormal result. I'll carry on living abroad! ;)

  2. I get giddy and have to talk about something. A dead silent room while the doc is poking around just feels weird. But then i feel like i talk too much because really what does one talk about when having a pap done, lol.

  3. Lol my doctor(of 25+ years) likes to chat during. How do you respond to "Well everything looks pink and healthy down here". Ummmm Thanks?

  4. lol! I've had all of those thoughts, too! Even though I've worked as a nurse in women's health for year, I still feel extremely awkward when I am the patient getting a PAP. Thanks for sharing this so I know I'm not alone!

  5. Hahaha I had the same thought. I had a hysterectomy at 31 so now I don't need a pap, but when I had to have them, I thought the same things.

  6. Amen, Sista!

    I just posted about my gyno WHO DOESN'T LEAVE THE ROOM WHEN I GET DRESSED. I had to get confirmation that it was indeed weird!

  7. ha, same! I totally hide my underwear and hurry to get in the gown!
    And they told me I had a nice cervix too! Ripe, they said. The heck?

  8. Haha yes!!! I always hide my underwear!

  9. Omg I had a vaginal ultrasound. HORRIBLE. I cannot stand any of that nonsense and dread the doctors office anyway. But an ultrasound really? Just yuck. And it was done on the base so you know how freaking cut and dry they are in there. Shove it in, poke around and tell you ok out you go. Reallllllll personal treatment. LOL.

  10. Yes! Those are the worst! But after having kids I've been not as concerned and awkward about it. Haha.

  11. I'm with you on not farting and letting legs fall open.

  12. Haha I wasn't sure what I was about to read but this was hillarious and so relatable. Thanks for posting!

  13. Yep. I avoid it if I can! By just getting pregnant over and over... hahahaha

  14. Yep, I hide my underwear every time.. and always forget to shave... but hey he's seen more of me than any man so.......

  15. Haha! Oh my gosh! I have many of these thoughts too. I think this post reminded me that it's time to schedule an appointment. Oh joy!


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