Our Thanksgiving Meal

A couple of days ago after I had cleaned the kitchen, I found Tom on the couch, his eyebrows furrowed. He looked deep in thought and when I waved a hand in front of his face he blinked and shook his head.

"I'm watching Scrubs right?" he says, gesturing the the screen where the show was just ending. "And JD told this riddle to the janitor. The riddle went like this: 'I have two coins that make thirty cents. One of them is not a nickel.' The problem is he didn't explain the answer to the riddle and I'm sitting here confused..."

I admit, I didn't know the answer either.

I'm awful at riddles.

"Maybe it's some weird coin," I suggested.

"See, that's what I thought. But I can't think of anything. I mean...this is going to drive me crazy all night," Tom said.

I went to the computer to check my e-mail.

"Hey," Tom called out. "Look up the answer. Please. I'm going nuts here."

So I did.

Want to know what the answer was?

In typical riddle fashion, the answer was that the OTHER coin was a nickel. Because it just stated that ONE of the coins wasn't a nickel. The other could be.

Ugh.

Of course Tom and I both felt like we should have known the answer.

Tom felt better though.

"Now I can go to work with my head cleared!" he said cheerfully.

In other news, as I stated before, Thanksgiving turned out good.

Nothing burned.

Although when I put in the turkey I suddenly remembered I hadn't pulled out the neck muscle. Or whatever the other bag was. I had pulled out the giblets but totally forgot about the other.

"Oh shit," I exclaimed and quickly re-opened the oven.

"What?" Tom asked.

"I forgot to pull out the other bag," I said as I pulled out the turkey.

Tom laughed. "How did you forget that?"

"Well," I fumed. "I forgot. It should say that on the instructions."

Tom picked the instructions up from the counter. "It does," he said, pointing.

"Well," I argued. "It should say it in big bold letters. For the cookers like me who don't know what they're doing!"

I pulled out the bag and put the turkey back in the oven.

Then later I made the mashed potatoes.

I let them boil for 15 minutes like the recipe stated.

But I couldn't get them all to mash!

So there were still some lumps in the potatoes.

Oops.

And my masher snapped in two.

When dinner was ready Tom came into the kitchen and grabbed a plate.

"Wow," I said, stopping him. "You can't wear that!"

I pointed to his shirt that depicted a photo of a gun with nine bullets in it. The shirt read: "Nine good reasons to shut your f*cking mouth."

"Why not?" Tom asked.

"You can't curse on Thanksgiving! It's Thanksgiving. We're giving thanks. Not talking about wanting to SHOOT people," I complained.

"The shirt is in regards to some of my troops. It has nothing to do with anyone here," Tom said, darting around me and managing to grab a plate.

Freakin' Tom.

We were all gathered at the table. Tom immediately started to dig in.

"Ahem," I said primly.

He paused, his fork in mid air.

"What?"

"Shouldn't we go around and say what we're thankful for?" I suggested with a smile.

Tom finished chewing the bite in his mouth. "Um," he said, setting down his fork. "I didn't know we did that."

"We should," I said brightly. "I'll start. I'm thankful for my family.."

Tom snorted. "Everyone says that."

I gave him a Look. "Well it's true. I AM thankful for my family."

"I'm thankful that the Browns seem to be doing well," Tom said.

"Tom!"

"What?"

"Aren't you thankful for us? Who cares about some stupid football team."

"Of course I'm thankful for you guys. But like I said, everyone says that. I'm also thankful that the Browns are doing well. Oh and for my truck. Love ya babe!" he shouted, pointing towards the front door where his beloved truck sat.

I sighed and then faced Tommy, who was waiting patiently.

"Tommy," I said. "What are you thankful for?"

Tommy drummed her fingertips on the table. "Hmmmm," he said seriously. "Hmm. Let me think...."

A dramatic sigh came from Tom. "Can you think of something today, son? I'm really hungry."

I shot him another Look.

"Let me think," Tommy repeated. "Hmm..."

Apparently I'm the only one really thankful for family. Hmph.

"I like," Tommy said slowly. "I like.."

I was beginning to grow a little impatient at this point. I mean the turkey smelled SO good..I just wanted to take a big bite..

"What are you thankful for?" I said again to Tommy.

"His toys. He's thankful for his toys," Tom cut in and was about to put a forkful of green bean casserole in his mouth.

"Freeze!" I shrieked pointing.

"Oh come on, Amber!" Tom said, setting his fork down.

"I'm thankful for Home Alone!" Tommy finally piped up with.

Home ALONE??

That's his new movie that he's obsessed with by the way.

But he's thankful for HOME ALONE?

I'm sure Chris Columbus the director is pleased but I am not. Is he not thankful for me, his mother who lovingly pushed out his 8 pound 1 ounce body into the world??

"Great job, Tommy," Tom said and then tried to take a bite.

"WAIT!" I shouted.

Tom looked like he wanted to leap across the table and strangle me. "Now what?" he said, his tone testy.

"Natalie," I said, pointing to our baby girl who was interested in the mound of potatoes I had plopped on her high chair. Her first try of big people food.

"Natalie can't talk," Tom said, irritated. "Natalie is just thankful that she has a 24 hour maid service at her beck and call. She shits, someone cleans her up. She's hungry, she gets a boob popped in her mouth. What service. Hell, I'd be thankful for that."

"Don't say Hell, Daddy," Tommy chimed in.

"I'll say that she's thankful for her family," I said.

Tom sat there, glaring at me.

"Oh," I said, my tone cheery. "You may eat now."

Tom picked up his fork. "Really? Can I really eat now? Or are you going to make us sing a song?" He stabbed some turkey.

"A song! What a--" I started.

Tom gave me a sharp look. "Don't even think about it."

"I can sing!" Tommy shouted. "It's November, It's November, Pilgrims come. Pilgrims come. We have to pick a turkey, have to pick a turkey, Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving!"

I clapped. "Good job, Tommy! What a nice song."

Tommy nodded and took a bite of turkey. And then he promptly spit it back out on his plate.

"Gross," Tom said.

"This tastes different," Tommy said, wiping his tongue off dramatically with his napkin.

"Try some yams," I suggested, pointing.

"I don't like that," Tommy argued.

Seriously.

The only thing he ate was the stuffing.

And Natalie?

Instead of eating her potatoes, she threw some against the wall and squealed happily.

"You're actually supposed to EAT those potatoes," I explained to her as she smeared some in her high chair tray with a smile.

Want to see my kitchen when I was done cooking?






A strange liquid appeared on my stove..



All clean!



Bye bye, mystery liquid. Hello pie.

Holiday Shopping

My day started early.

But not because of shopping.

Because of Natalie's teeth.

She woke up at two SCREAMING.

I gave her some orajel and rocked her.

Then I set her down in her crib.

She looked like she would go right back to sleep so I went back to bed.

Closed my eyes and..

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Then she started with her hysterical crying which sounds like this: "Wahhhhh! Wahhhh! Wahhhh! Wahhh! Wahhhh!" Over and over and over...

I went back in.

Cuddled her.

Offered her some milk.

She took some and then I put her back in her crib.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

This went on for an hour.

Finally after I had finished rocking her she went to sleep.

Then my alarm went off at 7.

And by alarm, I mean Natalie.

The lovely thing is, when you have children you don't need an alarm clock anymore.

I fed her and then at 8 I got Tom up.

Then I went shopping.

I went to Kohls first.

The parking lot was full. I just parked in the way back. I don't understand why people circle the lot over and over for a spot up close. That's why America is so dang fat. Lazy people. I mean I get if you're in a wheelchair or perhaps have a gaggle of young children...but if it's just you and you have perfectly good legs, WALK!

That's what I do.

Even when I do have my kids with me.

I was fast in Kohls.

I grabbed what I thought was a few things.

But when I got to the checkout line (which was clear to the BACK of the store) I realized I had a lot.

Oops.

And they didn't have any carts so I was dragging this full bag along.

I bought new couch cushions since ours looks gross. Tom says they're fine but they look...well...old..and it bugs me.

The cushions were 60% off too. I think I got them for $7 each.

Then I grabbed a lot of frames. The ones I got were 60% off.

I grabbed a few toys since they were 50% off.

Nothing big though. I got a small play phone for Natalie and some blocks.

For Tommy I got some Cars.

I thought the line moved fairly quickly. I also had a coupon for 15% off so I used that.

And I STILL got 20 bucks Kohls cash.

KOHLS CASH!

Sorry, I get excited.

Then I went to Target.

Again, I just parked in the back.

I don't even bother looking for front row spots.

They had a bunch of DVDs for $3.98 and $5.98.

I grabbed a few of those.

I got The Devil Wears Prada for me.

Batman Begins for Tom.

Oh and Ghostbusters 1 and 2. It was in a bundle pack for only $5.98.

And I got him The Family Guy season 2 for only $19.

Then I got Tommy a Lego airport set. It was originally $80 but it was on sale for $44.

He loves airports and Legos so I figured he'd enjoy it.

I didn't find anything for Natalie there.

I was making really good time. When I got out of Target it was only 930. I still had more than an hour.

So I just walked across the street to the mall.

JC Penney was swamped. I really didn't see anything I liked.

Then I went into Gymboree.

Everything is 30% off there..

Bad BAD Amber.

Especially because I just spent $100 there last night.

I know..

It was TOM'S fault though.

I put stuff in my cart and was sighing at the computer.

"What is it?" Tom asked.

"I just..I love this stuff but I don't NEED it.." I explained.

"Oh just buy it!" Tom insisted.

"No, I really don't--"

"Buy it!"

And Tom clicked the Submit button.

Bonus, I got $25 gymbucks.

My kids are going to well dressed.

Again, I have kid clothes problems.

I was good and walked out of Gymboree without buying a single thing.

Since I had, you know, just bought things last night.

Then I went to Sears and bought Tom's power drill. It was $10 off. Yay!

Then I went and got us a pizza from Sbarro.

At that point, I was tired of shopping.

Yes.

I said it.

I, Amber M****, being of slightly sound mind was actually TIRED of shopping.

While I was waiting this lady walked in with tons of bags. She was all, "How many stores have you been to today?"

"Just Kohls and Target. Now here," I replied.

"Stay away from Wal-Mart. It's a total zoo," she warned. "A TOTAL zoo!" She added dramatically.

I hadn't planned on going there anyhow. No thanks.

To be honest, I was impressed with Black Friday. No one pushed or shoved. Everyone said excuse me if they walked in front of you. The drivers weren't too bad either.

And most stores had a lot of the really good deals.

I think I spent a little over $300 today. Which isn't so bad, I guess.

When I got home, Tom was impressed.

"Wow you made it home with time to spare!"

Then he was pleased when I gave him the cheese pizza.

"Food!" he shouted.

He said the kids were really good.

Natalie would have nothing to do with the bottle of course. But I had fed her oatmeal and some milk before I left.

"Yeah I gave her the bottle and she threw it down and went "Ba." Which I took to mean, "Get that the hell away from me,"" Tom explained.

When we were eating Tom went, "So what did I get for you?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, confused.

"I know you picked things out for yourself to wrap for the tree. So what did I get you?"

Hah, he knows me well.

"You got me The Office season 1 and 2. Because the show rocks," I said.

(Season one was only $9.98 and season 2 was $14 at Target.)

"You also got me a track suit," I added.

($12 for each piece at Kohls.)

"How many track suits do you need?" Tom asked.

"I like to wear them around the house. This way if someone comes over at least I match. If I wear my PJ bottoms my shirts don't always go," I said.

"Oh. Well...glad I bought you what you wanted," Tom said with a wink.

He's still getting me some surprises.

He wants me to load up my cart at Amazon.com with everything I want. Then he'll go and take things out and buy them what he wants to get me.

"You have to have some surprises," Tom insisted.

So I agreed.

Oh I also got him and Tommy this flying helicopter. It's like a remote control helicopter. Air Hogs I think it's called?? It was on sale for $15. The boys will LOVE it.

So yeah, I did well.

No one went nuts!

Now I want to decorate for Christmas! But I told Tom I'd wait until next weekend, when he's off, so we can all decorate the tree.

I'll write about Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.

Good news: nothing burned!

Cheeseballs and Feathers

Holy crap, Kohls.

The store is opening at FOUR in the morning on Friday.

Sorry Kohls, I'll be there around 830.

On Saturday, we went to the mall. My stomach felt a little off but I figured it was a good thing because it meant I couldn't eat the junk food.

Meaning my Ultimate Chocolate by Maggie Moo.

When we walked in I saw that Hickory Farms was set up.

"Cheeseball!" I shrieked.

I didn't realize I had said it so loud.

Until "Ball ball ball" echoed down the halls and several shoppers stopped to find who the nut screeching was.

"Amber," Tom hissed. "Could you try not to embarrass me?"

"I promise," I called over my shoulder as I rushed over to Hickory Farms.

I have to get a cheeseball each year.

I love their sausage too.

But I just got the cheeseball.

Maybe someone will send me a Hickory Farms sausage.

"Hint at it to your Mom," Tom said, coming up beside me as I pulled my cheeseball out of the cooler.

Mmm they have a dessert cheeseball. Interesting...

"My parents always send us Harry and David. With the fruit. Because they probably believe we never have any," I explained.

Which isn't true.

We always have at least apples in the house.

And lettuce. That's usually turning brown. Because I always get it thinking, "Okay THIS is the week when I'm going to have a lot of salads."

It rarely happens and the lettuce turns a strange shade of brown and then starts to leak.

But apples, we always have apples, because Tommy usually has one for a snack.

Sometimes bananas. That usually always start to turn brown. I wish I could only buy two bananas but I think the store frowns upon tearing bananas away from the bunch.

I got my beloved cheeseball.

Dang thing is $5.99. For a ball of CHEESE with almond shavings thrown on it.

Oh well.

Then we passed by Gymboree.

I love their clothes. Even though they are terribly expensive. I never go nuts in there, I'd never forgive myself, but I do get a shirt for the kids once in awhile...

"You can go in," Tom said, seeing my twisted face. I was doing this in my head, "Should I go in? No, I should NOT. You know what happens when you go in. You walk out with shirts totaling $60. For two shirts..."

"I can't go in," I said firmly. "I'm being good. Since I'm going out on Black Friday and all. I'm...being good.." I said weakly even though the sign on the door said SALE!

SALE! SALE! Cute outfit would be on SALE!

"Amber, just go in," Tom urged.

I mean..okay he complains when I buy a $25 sweater for Natalie but he's forcing me to GO IN??

I don't understand the man sometimes.

In the end I DID NOT go in.

"I'm good," I said, my voice at a strange pitch. But I will be getting a few things at their Black Friday sale.

And I even passed Maggie Moos!

Because of my stomach.

Otherwise I'd have been standing in line behind the sweet old lady who was ordering a chocolate shake "minus the whipped cream, dear."

But the whipped cream is the BEST PART.

Then Tom went into Spencers. Which is an amusing store.

Santa was already set up.

Santa!

In November.

I'm confused.

I'm also confused on why stores are already playing Christmas songs.

Can they not wait until AFTER Thanksgiving?

Today Tommy is having a Peace Party at his school. Then he's off tomorrow, Thursday and Friday.

For the invitation for the Peace Party the teacher wrote, "Wear a feather!"

Um.

A feather?

Like I have a feather lying around my house. Is she serious? I guess I could pluck one from the hand-cuffs but I'm not sure how appropriate that would be in a KINDERGARTEN room.

And how would I wear this feather? Do I just stick it in my hair and hope it doesn't blow away. Plus it would be a SMALL feather, no one would see it and I'd probably get a lot of, "Oh you have something in your hair.." from other people.

"That's my feather!" I'd say proudly.

Seriously, I don't have massive lice.

I probably will go without a feather and hope they supply one. Or something.

Then I worry that I'll be the only Mom without a feather. Perhaps everyone else rushed out to get a real feather. Or the crafty moms made their own feather complete with glitter and sequins and fancy crap that I could never put together.

I could TRY to make my own feather but it'll probably end up looking deformed.

"What's that?" all the kids will ask, pointing.

"Is that a HORN coming out of your head?" the class bully might taunt.

No you little brat, it's my FEATHER that I MADE with LOVE.

I think I'll just go without a feather.

A Bit Sick

It was weird.

Yesterday I all of a sudden felt sick.

It just hit me.

I was fine in the morning and then around the time Tom was leaving for work, I suddenly felt like I was walking through a haze. Nothing looked or sounded clear anymore. My stomach started to do somersaults. When I'd pick Natalie up, she felt like she was 100 pounds.

I just felt weak.

"Maybe you're pregnant," Tom said with a grin.

Yes.

Because whenever a woman is sick she HAS to be pregnant.

Plus I'm not. I take birth control and it's always worked before.

I needed help last night. In a big way.

But Tom had work.

And that was that.

I really wish I lived by family. If I did, I'd have been calling up asking for help.

Because I felt just awful.

It didn't help that Tommy wouldn't stop asking questions.

"What's this? Mommy what's this?" If I didn't turn in time he'd come over, grab my chin and turn it to what he was asking about. "What's this?"

I was in the middle of feeding Natalie her rice cereal when I suddenly got it in my head that I was in the middle of eating MY food.

So I spooned some rice cereal into my mouth.

See, I was out of my mind.

Let me tell you...rice cereal tastes disgusting.

I suppose it's a delicious meal when you haven't tried much else though.

Natalie was looking at me like, "Um hello? That's MY food..."

Then she refused to eat another bite. Because her food had turned cold, you see.

If her food turns cold, you have to heat it back up.

Otherwise she refuses to eat it.

Thankfully she played under her floor gym so I could rest on the couch a few minutes.

Though Tommy was still yakking in my ear.

"Look Mommy, I make Jacob!" he said, showing me a piece of paper where he had scribbled the name down.

(Jacob is a boy in his class.)

"Very nice," I said.

"Mommy," Tommy said. "What happened to it?" He pointed to the television screen at Courtney, this chick on Survivor who is disgustingly skinny.

"It needs a Big Mac. And fast," I explained.

"Can I wanna go to McDonalds?" Tommy asked with a hopeful smile.

"No. Mommy is too sick," I replied.

Tommy looked concerned. "OHHH. Poor Mommy!" Then he rushed upstairs and brought down his doctor kit.

He's not a very nice doctor.

He jammed the plastic thermometer in my mouth.

He jammed my arm with the pretend shot, proclaiming, "All better!"

I don't think he MEANS to be rough..he's just, well, a boy.

I don't know how I got through the night. I went through the motions but I can't quite remember tucking Tommy into bed or reading his two books that he gets a night.

Thankfully Natalie went to bed with no problems. She nursed and then was out.

I promptly went to bed right after her.

When I woke up I felt a little better. Still weak, but not as bad as the night before.

And right now I'm feeling okay. I'm not feeling as weak as I did. Though I wish I could curl up in bed and just rest.

But Moms don't get sick days.

My Dear Letters

Dear Natalie's teeth,

Stop bugging her. Seriously. And it's not amusing that you seem to really bug her at night, when we're all supposed to be sleeping. Having her wake up three times in one night is NOT funny. Just pop through already. The jig is up.

Signed,
A very tired
Amber

----------------

Dear people who talk on cell phones or text while driving,

Cut it out. Can you not wait to speak to someone? Are you that important? And if you have to talk RIGHT THAT INSTANT, please pull over so you don't, I don't know, KILL someone. Sorry, you can say all you want that you can concentrate on both but there are several studies that proved that you cannot. So hang up the phone. Stop texting! Or one of these days you're going to find me snatching your damn phone away from you and throwing it on the ground.

Signed,
A just-trying-to-protect-lives
Amber

--------------------

Dear all those eBay people who outbid me at the last minute,

Stop it. It seriously pisses me off. Do you just sit in front of the computer until an auction ends or something? I don't have the time to do that. I'm really thisclose to telling off the next person who outbids me at the last minute. It infuriates me even more when you win by one cent more. ONE CENT.

Signed,
A just-let-me-have-the-damn-outfit
Amber

---------------------------

Dear people who drive and don't use turn signals,

Is it really that difficult to flick your wrist to tell other drivers where you're going? Honestly. Are you THAT important that you can't be bothered to shift your wrist for one second?

Signed,
A where-the-hell-are-you-going-because-I-can't-read-your-mind
Amber

-----------------


Dear Tom,

It really bothers me that you can't be bothered to listen while you're playing your beloved games on the computer. You suddenly are deaf while you're playing your stupid World War 2 games and nothing else exists. Oh but the minute you hear the words "boob/breasts", "sex", "naked", "whores", or "Meghan Fox" on the TV, your eyes are suddenly right on the screen. So obviously you can hear.

Signed,
A-sick-of-feeling-invisible-while-you're-on-the-computer
Amber

--------------------


To the writing team of Lost,

I hope you get what you want. Seriously. You guys deserve more money. You really do. But PLEASE don't make me wait until 2009 to figure out if Jack is off the damn island. What's going on??? I am not a patient person. Are they off the island, are they on the island??? Please bring Charlie back. He's my eye candy you see. Can Desmond somehow get magical and pull him out of the room so he doesn't drown? I mean the island is weird, it can happen you know...magic powers can float around, Charlie is saved and yay, my eye candy is back!

Signed,
An impatient-with-a-small-crush-on-Dominic Monahan Amber


--------------


To the people on eBay who put photos of their children wearing the clothes they are trying to sell as their gallery picture--

Cut it out. I don't want to see little Susie or little Ashley sporting the outfit that I want to buy. I'd like to pretend that I'm buying it brand new okay? Or at least pretend that maybe little Susie wore it once and then never again. I'd rather not see her wearing the outfit with a drool spot on it. No modeling agents are going to browse the site and think, "Look at that little girl dressed in Gymboree looking oh so cute." So stop it. Just take a photo of the outfit and leave it at that.

Signed,
A wants-to-believe-the-outfit-is-close-to-new
Amber

--------------------


To the parents who name their babies ridiculous things on Bringing Home Baby,

Please don't name your baby Ocean. Or Madison JOE. They're going to be teased. I realize you want to be different, that you want your child to have a unique name but think of the mockery they're going to have to endure.

Signed
A just-want-to-look-out-for-the-poor-kids
Amber

---------------------


Dear Brussel Sprouts,

Why do you even exist? You smell like feet.

Signed
A doesn't-like-sprouts
Amber