Sunday, November 16, 2008

The 6:30 In the Morning Call

So I was rudely woken up this morning by the phone.

It was 6:30 in the morning to be precise.

I had been having a weird dream too. See, I just started reading Twilight (normally I’m not into the whole vampire story but nearly half my favorites talk about it so I figured I might as well read it to see what all the fuss was about) and in my dream this vampire was chasing me. The weird thing is I haven’t even gotten to the vampire part of Twilight. I’m only on chapter two. I’m thinking it might be the previews that I’ve been seeing for the movie. Anyhow I was running and the vampire was chasing me—and the vampire looked like Elijah Wood. With fangs. I wonder why I was running? If it were Elijah Wood I’d pause and be all, “Oh it’s you Elijah! Let’s make out! You're on my list so it's okay!"

But yeah, the phone interrupted right when I was about to attack Vampire Elijah with a stick I had picked up.

I checked the Caller ID and it said something like Laramie County SC.

I had no idea what that meant.

Who was Laramie County and why were they calling me?

I mean obviously I know I live in Laramie Country. But surely Laramie County wouldn’t be so rude as to call at 6:30 in the morning to thank me for choosing to live in their community. Because then I’d snap, “I didn’t choose to live here. The Air Force made us!” and then slam the phone down.

I am not pleasant in the morning.

I was going to ignore it. The phone rang once…twice…three times…but then I started to worry that perhaps it was the Laramie County JAIL. What if Tom was in JAIL?

(I know. My mind does not work properly in the morning either. Sometimes I just stare dumbly in the fridge when I first wake up and forget what I’m doing. Then I remember that I’m searching for breakfast but my mind can’t wrap around what this breakfast even IS so I end up wasting ten minutes pacing the kitchen in confusion. I really should take up drinking coffee. Maybe it would help.)

I started to panic over the thought of Tom in jail. Maybe he finally told off one of his bosses. I know they can drive him insane and he tells me how he has to bite his tongue to keep from lashing out at them sometimes. Maybe he had finally had enough and shouted a bunch of inappropriate words and was thrown in jail?

And then I started to worry that he would be FIRED from the Air Force and be slapped with a dishonorable discharge and oh my gosh! He’d never be able to work again. He’d have to stay at home with the kids and I’d have to find a job. He’d probably not watch the kids properly and I’d come home to find Natalie wandering the street in her diaper and Tommy trying to make his own dinner.

But then I started to feel guilty…come on Amber, Tom would do a better job than that.

And then I realized I ought to just answer the phone before it woke everyone else up.

“Hello?” I barked into the receiver.

Please Tom. Please don’t be calling me from jail.

I was met by an automated voice. “Hello,” the robotic male voice told me, “This is the Laramie Country blah blah blah calling to inform you that due to inclement weather, the following schools are closed..”


Inclement weather?

It took a few seconds for my brain to realize what this was.

And then I was confused because I was all, “WHAT inclement weather?” So I leaned over and peeked out the shade as the voice prattled on what schools would be closed and saw a blanket of white covering the ground.


I mean the forecast has been calling for snow for two weeks but we barely had any. I just thought they were talking out of their butts again and that maybe we’d get a few flurries and then the snow would call it a day and go away.

I guess not this time.

The robotic voice did not name Tommy’s school unfortunately. I was a little bummed because at first I was excited over the prospect of sleeping in. (Sleeping in for me now is 8. I know that’s sad.)

The robot voice wished me a good day (“thank you,” I found myself saying even though I know no one even heard me) and then I hung up.

I was a little miffed that I was disturbed so early. I usually wake up at 7 and obviously after the phone call I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I just lay there and for some reason started thinking about Grey’s Anatomy and how confused I was.

Why was Izzy seeing Denny? He died like two years ago. In the preview for next week’s show it looked like they were in the process of having sex. Can you have sex with a ghost? That would look so weird if you walked in on someone having sex with a ghost. They’d be like humping..well…air..

Does Izzy have a brain tumor? Maybe she’s going to die. I know Katherine Heigel seems to think she’s a movie star now and has even dissed the writer’s on the show. Maybe she wants her character to die.

Or maybe this is the writer’s revenge. Maybe they’re giving her the worst plot ever to work with. Here Katherine. You get to have sex with a ghost. Yays!”

Serves her right, really. If she DOES die I wouldn’t miss her. I don’t like her character anymore.

My thoughts were cut off by Tommy’s voice shrieking with excitement over the snow.

“Snow! Oh my goodness gracious!” I heard him shout.

Oh my goodness gracious is his newest phrase. He used to say Oh my God and I had to put a stop to it.

“Why?” he had asked.

“Because it’s really not appropriate,” I explained.

Thankfully he accepted this reasoning without argument.

But now I hear his new phrase all the time.

For instance, last night I told him I was making pancakes for dinner.

“Oh my goodness gracious!” he exclaimed.

The other night he made a mistake on his homework.

“Oh my goodness gracious!” he shouted as he erased his boo boo.

Natalie took one of his cars and he chased after her bellowing, “Oh my goodness gracious, Natalie!”

He amuses me.

He walked off to the bus stop all bundled up.

“Remember: don’t sit on the snow!” I reminded him.

Later today I’m getting my hair done. It needs it. My roots are showing. Big time. I think you’re meant to go get your hair re-highlighted every six weeks. But who has time for that when you have two kids? So I pretty much go in every..well…six months or so? Maybe five months if I’m lucky.

We’re having family pictures taken on Wednesday so I wanted my hair to look decent.

The only thing is that it takes hours for it to get done since it’s so long. I guess I could chop it off and minimize the time but I like my long hair. It seems like most women have short hair these days and I like to be different. I do plan on getting three inches chopped off today. I guess that’s something. Then I’m getting my highlights re-done and usually they straighten my hair for me.

It usually takes three hours.

And yes, my ass is usually aching by the end of it all.

I’m going to get myself a sweet tea from Chick-fil-a before I go in because last time I got incredibly parched just sitting there.

Most people can sit under those hot lights for what? Ten minutes?

Because my hair is so long I have to sit under that thing for about an hour.

I guess I’ll bring Twilight and read while I’m waiting. It is interesting so far. Right now Edward keeps shooting Bella mean looks. If someone kept shooting me mean looks I’d probably say something like, “Are you constipated or what?”

I’m off to go figure out lunch.


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