Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Computer Chair

I was thrilled.

The other day I found this at Wal-Mart. Marked down from sixty-something to thirty.

We need a new computer chair. We have a cat named Max who seems to think that our current one is his own personal scratching post.

So when I came upon the chair I clapped my hands and scooped up the box.

Of course I nearly fell over because the box was heavier than I thought it would be. I toppled to the right. Then to the left. And then I nearly careened straight into the display of chairs before finally regaining my balance.

Natalie was amused. She clapped her hands and squealed, "AGAIN!"

Apparently she was confused. She thought I was teetering back and forth for her amusement.

Then I had to figure out how to get the box to stay in the cart. It was too big to go inside. It wouldn't fit underneath. So I sort of had to balance it on top and when I moved, I had to place one hand on the box to make sure it didn't clatter to the ground.

This meant that I had to move slowly. I sort of creeped along the store.

I tried to look on the bright side. At least I was getting some exercise. The added weight made the cart tougher to push so I was getting an arm workout.

I was so busy being thrilled with the thought that my arm would be all defined like Demi Moore's that I didn't catch that this lady in one of those motorized carts was headed straight for my cart. We were about five feet away from one another and it was obvious that this lady wasn't planning on moving.

"You know," I wanted to point out. "To move, all you have to do is shift the handle bar to the RIGHT."

I mean, honestly. She didn't even look like she belonged in one of those motorized carts.

Then I noticed that the lady was STARING ME DOWN. As though she were just daring me to run her over.

I ended up moving out of the way just in time. The air from the lady in the cart whooshed past me as she buzzed by.

Wal-Mart shoppers scare me. I suppose I could have held my ground and refused to move but I didn't want to be sued. That lady looked like the type who would sue. In fact, I'm wondering if she was the one who sued McDonalds when she discovered that the coffee she bought was *gasp* hot. Maybe she's the reason why coffee cups now have WARNING:HOT stamped on the top.

When I got home I lugged the box inside and I admit, I was excited on putting the chair together.

Okay, so the truth is, I'm awful at building things. I usually end up either A) curled up in a ball crying or B) throwing things across the room in frustration or C) all of the above.

I really want to be able to build things on my own. I hate having to rely on Tom all the time. So this time I was determined to set the chair up on my own and have it waiting and built by the time Tom came home from work. Then I could be all,

"Oh this old thing? I just put it together. Myself. It was nothing," with a casual wave of my arm.

After I put Natalie down for her nap I got to work. I marched over to the box and went to rip it open.

And nothing happened.

I tugged and I pulled and the box would NOT come apart.

It was like the entire thing had been slathered with super glue or something.

So I did what any other adult in my situation would do:

I stuck a knife in the box.

That helped.

Of course, the box looked like a bear had attacked it when I was through with it. It was basically ripped to shreads.

Then I dumped all the pieces out.

I felt so proud. I was all, "Lalala, look at me. BUILDING something." I cleared my throat in what sounded like an important manner and picked up the instructions.

I admit, I was a little worried that there were so many pieces. In my mind the chair was basically put together. I assumed all I'd have to do was snap on the wheels. One piece resembled a telescope and I briefly considered picking it up and looking through it and shouting, "Ahoy!"

But then I was like, "Amber. You're a Serious Builder now. Builders don't do things like that."

The instructions explained that I'd put the wheels in first.

Easy enough.


But no. The wheels weren't going in. I'd push and push and nothing happened.

I got two of them in and the others weren't budging.

So I used the telescope piece and started banging the wheels in.

Then I was told to stick the bottom of the chair in this pole-like object and it wouldn't work.

I tried! I really did. But it WOULDN'T WORK.

So I sort of slammed the pieces together and that got it to stay up.

I thought I had the bottom of the chair put together. But it wasn't sturdy at all. I went to take a seat and the entire thing fell apart. I crumpled to the floor with chair pieces all around me.

"WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?" I shrieked. I scooped up the insructions and jabbed a finger at the words. "I FOLLOWED YOU! I DID WHAT YOU ASKED. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?"

I took the telescope piece and brought it to my eye.

"Ahoy," I croacked.

I was hoping this would cheer me up.

It didn't.

I was still frustrated by the fact that I couldn't put together a STUPID chair.

That I MAY have dubbed Bertha the Bitch.

In my defense, the chair was certainly acting like one.

I'd like to say that I put it together.

But I did not.

After attempting to put it together one more time, the chair only fell apart in my hands.

So I ended up throwing the telescope piece across the room and dramatically shoving all the pieces in the corner.

When Tom came home from work he gestured to all the parts.

"What's that?" he wondered.

"Bertha the Bitch," I fumed.

He raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

So I spilled out the story on how I bought a chair and how I wanted to put it together myself because I didn't always want to be the damsel in distress.

"But the instructions basically lied to me and nothing was making sense and the chair kept falling apart!" I wailed. I even used wild arm movements for effect.

Tom just nodded his head. He's used to this.

He just calmly took the instructions and got to work.

He had the chair put together in ten minutes.

"But you did a good job," Tom lied.

I mean, I DID help him screw in the arm rests. While he held them up I did the screwing. Haha. Screwing.

And then I ended up putting the telescope piece in.

Tom went, "Just put it in the hole," and I laughed and went, "That's what SHE said."

He gave me a Look.


It's more enjoyable when you at least try and make putting together furniture FUN.


  1. Hey check out my blog...I have a surprise for you:)!

  2. I can't put things together either. I'm spatially dyslexic. I once put a filing cabinet together inside out. You had to be IN the cabinet to open it.

  3. LOL. This was a great post. I loved the picture of the knife in the box. I have to do that just to get a box of mac and cheese open!

  4. You blog is HILARIOUS! I was sure you were going to take your inaugural seat only to have the whole thing crumble on you :)

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