Monday, June 15, 2009

Living with the Military

So I was already frazzled because a moth had gotten trapped inside the house and had decided to attack me.

I’m not kidding. The thing flew in my face and I started swinging my arms wildly saying things like, “Get away!” and, “Don’t worry kids. Mommy isn’t REALLY afraid.” I mean, I can’t have them thinking that moths terrify me. Even though they do. They’re brown and furry and disgusting looking and they get excited over bright lights for craps sake!

I managed to get the moth away from me and I was trying to decide if I should kill the thing or find a way for it to get outside. It had flown over to the wall and was resting there all gross and fuzzy. I had decided that I’d grab it with a bunch of paper towels and throw everything outside.

I had a wad of paper towels and was inching closer to the moth. I was about to cover it with the paper towels when....

....there was a loud boom and the entire house started shaking for a few seconds.

“What was THAT?” Tommy shrieked from the couch. Natalie paused from pulling the DVDs out of the drawer and looked up with a start.

What I wanted to scream was, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

But I composed and reminded myself that even though it was a shocking concept, I was the adult here and I had to reassure my children that everything was okay.

It’s just, I probably watch too many of those movies where the world ends after a gigantic blast. Or I watch the movies where aliens come down and destroy the earth and Will Smith has to save everyone.

“It was nothing,” I assured my confused kids. “Just the silly military doing weird things.” I made a funny face when I said the words ‘silly military’ and this made them laugh.

When you live on a military base, you never know what you’ll hear. Or encounter. One time I was on my way to Gymboree and before I could leave the base, a military policeman stopped me and said I had to wait for the general to pass.

“But sir,” I wanted to argue. “There’s a fantastic sale going on right now. Surely if you phone up the General and let him know this, he’ll be happy to let me pass?”

I didn’t say that. Of course I wanted to but instead I sat and waited...and waited....and finally there was this fancy looking car followed by a bunch of other cars in case someone tried to take out the general. And actually, I was close to doing so because I just wanted to get to my freaking sale and the kids were getting restless in the back seat. I really think the General should have rules like, “People on the base don’t have to wait for me to pass if there is a sale or if they have young children in the backseat....”

Sometimes I also have fantasies about calling up the Command Center and asking them to turn off the airplanes because my kids are trying to get to sleep and how are they supposed to sleep if they keep flying their aircraft right over my house?

Anyhow, back to the loud boom incident.

I ended up peeking out the window and in the distance I saw black smoke rising so I figured the military had blown something up. I was contemplating this when another boom was heard and the house started shaking again.

The only reason why I didn’t freak out this time was because I spotted a jogger who had nearly jumped out of his skin when the Big Bang occurred. His legs spread out and his arms shot up in the air and I’m actually surprised he didn’t fall to the ground. If that had been me I’d have surely screeched, “We’re all going to DIE!” before rushing off.

I need to start watching happier movies.

“What’s going on now?” Tommy demanded, looking at me as though I had made the house shudder.

“It’s the military blowing stuff up,” I explained.

“Cool!” Tommy said, eyes lighting up.

About a minute later there was a knock on the door and for a brief second I thought it might be a soldier informing me that a bunch of aliens had just dropped down and did I happen to see any scurrying about?

Yeah, obviously I need to cut back on the shows about extraterrestrials too.

It turns out that it was my neighbor. She stood on the doorstep with wide eyes. My neighbor looks to be all of twenty and is probably ninety pounds soaking wet. It’s not fair because she has a ten-month-old little boy and I’m all, okay, I had my son at nineteen and I looked like a total blob for the first two years after I had him. How is she able to already be skinny? It’s just not fair.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “I heard a banging sound. Did something fall over? Sometimes I can hear noises through the walls and they’re never as loud as that so I decided to check.”

What? Wait? She hears NOISES?

I thought back to a few days prior when I had stepped on one of Tommy’s Matchbox cars with my bare foot and had let out a string of profanities. I normally don’t talk like that, I swear! It’s just, it really HURT. There were sharp edges on that car which totally dug into my heel.

It was on the tip of my tongue to gush, “Okay, how much did you hear the other day? Because I normally don’t talk like that. I only use bad words when I’ve been injured which is totally allowed—it even says so in all the parenting books that I’ve read.”

Okay, so not really, but there SHOULD be a chapter entitled: “It’s okay to swear when you’ve been hurt.”

“Nothing fell over,” I assured the neighbor. “I think the military is just blowing stuff up.”

She still looked a little spooked as though worried that I totally pulled a Jack Nicholson from The Shining and was going through the house destroying things and shouting stuff like, “HEEERREESSS MOMMY!” while swinging a baseball bat around my head.

“Okay then,” the neighbor finally said, still a little wary. She tried to crane her neck around me, trying in vain to spot a toppled over piece of furniture “Bye.” She slowly walked back to her house.

So fantastic.

My neighbor thinks I’m knocking over furniture on purpose.

42 comments:

  1. LOL. Our neighbors think we're recluses. It probaly didn't help that one time at a party I babbled about wanting a duckatron.

    I get nervous around people in real life.

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  2. i had neighbors once who had a toddler and that boy was a screaming bloody murder, for like an hour, i was convinced they had him locked up in the closet hanging from his pinky toes, my imagination got the better of me and i banged on the door and exclaimed "IS THAT LITTLE BOY ALRIGHT?" he came running to the door no pants, and i saw a potty sitting there. she said "HE'S FINE!" and slammed the door. i felt so stupid, she certainly didnt bang on my door when i was forcing my toddler to 'use the potty'. he was 3.3 years and i was about to give birth. guess what her son was well over 3 too. in hindsight perhaps she should have sent out flyers "Dear Neighbor, I'll be potty training my toddler this week. Please don't be alarmed by blood curdling screams. I must stand up to this 3 year old creature that has been running my life. Potty training will cease by 10pm, yes I will follow the law. Thank you for your cooperation and I appreciate you not calling Child Protective Services. However, should you hear blood curdling screams from a grown woman, please call MOPTCPS "Mothers of Potty Training Children Protective Services" for this means I have lost the battle. Thank you."

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  3. I just have naked sex having neighbors, that like to do it with the blind open and the lights on. It's awesome.

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  4. Moths! Yuck! There was quite a large one in my house last night swirling above my head just as I was sitting down to relax and watch Army Wives. I started to freak out. Jim was already in bed so I called for my son who is home visiting to hurry up and kill it, which he did while making fun of me for being such a girl!

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  5. Seriously? There was a foundation shaking explosion and she thought you did it? What a nutcase.

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  6. That's okay... I would LOVE to have you as a neighbor! Oh the good times that could be had! Instead, I have neighbors who have not one but TWO broken down SECURITY cars in their driveway and they scream all day and half the night at their children.

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  7. "I normally don’t talk like that, I swear!"

    No pun intended. Haha.

    I'm in the Coast Guard. We don't get to blow stuff up. :-(

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  8. Lol! You know what they say about those crazy killer moths...

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  9. You totally had me laughing out loud - first the nasty moth (ick!) then thinking the world is coming to an end! That is always my first thought when Charlie Gibson breaks in to do a "Special Report". My first thought is aliens or nuclear bombs. We would be horrible at a slumber party together HA HA!

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  10. Oh my gosh, what a relief...I'm not the only person mortified of moths!! They totally freak me out too!! And I totally know your pain with the load noises. I used to live close to Fort Hood and they would have artillery practice (usually at 4am) and it would shake my entire house. It was very uncool :(

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  11. better remember that when your hubby comes home ;)

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  12. I HATE it when neighbors do that kind of thing! It makes you even more paranoid because now you're totally aware that they can hear "SOMETHING"

    I had an incident with a weird spider myself today and I am getting ready to write out a whole draft before posting it. Maybe post by tomorrow. be sure to come and check! :)

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  13. I enjoyed reading your blog tonight....Had some time to do some blog hopping...always enjoy finding new blogs!
    Hope you will visit me. This month I am posting on our Disney trip.

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  14. I'm sure the neighbors have a whole lot of great stories about my tirades! But guess what--I've got a few about them, too! My theory is this: I'll mind my business. You mind yours!

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  15. LOL,

    Love your writing and LMAO at your blog title. ;0)

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  16. Ugh! To both moths and women that weigh 90 lbs. after having children.

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  17. Oh I've totally stepped on toys like that...in fact, I think I wrote a post about it awhile back. I also cursed like a sailor when it happened.

    My next door neighbors leave their windows open during the day (usually). My kids scream and tantrum all day long and I'm yelling right back at them.....and then I wonder why some of my neighbors won't make eye contact with me. Oh well...I just wanna say to them, "walk a mile in my shoes".

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  18. Lol...I love that she hears "noises"!! You little tiger!

    And moths frickin scare me! I got the chills just thinking about them!

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  19. You'd think on a military base there'd be someone to kill the moths for you.

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  20. It's okay to swear when you're hurt. Or frustrated. Or surprised. Or awake...

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  21. Firstly EWWW at moths (and all insects for that matter, particularly those that fly...or crawl...or...yup...all insects)

    I don't think our kids buy it for one minute when we pretend that they don't scare us. Its got to the point where my son (who is 8) actually catches them on my behalf.

    Well at least I didn't transfer the fear! lol

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  22. Thank you so much!! Things did work out...which made me happy!! I thought I was the only one who had a deathly fear of moths!!! My husband thinks I'm pretty weird for that! Butterflies don't bother me, just moths!

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  23. How scary. At least you can blame it on the military.

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  24. I seriously can never read your posts without laughing my ass off!!! You should be a stand-up comedian, seriously!!! Or write for a sketch comedy show!!!

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  25. WHy did she think you did it?? Sounds like it was pretty loud, louder than something confined to your houses. Was that a special General in that car or just the base General? You wouldn't have to worry about that here, we have 30-some Generals here and no one has to stop so they can pass or the base would be at a standstill all day!

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  26. Its amazing how people in power let their egos run away - I would have stewed and flipped him the bird.

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  27. I can totally relate ... six years of living on various Air Force bases. It's funny how (most of the noises) you totally get used to - and how quickly that familiarity fades once you've moved off base. Now when I hear a plane going over I'm all, "OMG! What's that?!?"

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  28. OMG, living on a military base must be CRAZY! I used to live across the street from an AF base for about 6 months or so, and that was crazy enough. I had never been referred to as a "civilian" before, but we were the only civilians in our apartment complex. Anywho, you are totally hilarious, and don't worry about the neighbor. Just start having drinks together, and all will be right with the world. ;)

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  29. "About a minute later there was a knock on the door and for a brief second I thought it might be a soldier informing me that a bunch of aliens had just dropped down and did I happen to see any scurrying about?"

    Ok...had to laugh at that.

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  30. I've heard of theses dangerous, killer moths that will swoop in an suck your breath out of you... you should be very afraid...

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  31. Hilarious! I love your writing style. You have a new follower

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  32. Oh goodness. That was AWESOME. I was cracking up, thanks!

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  33. HA - my word.... just found your blog today and you're hilarious! Can't wait to read more! Crazy ass neighbors.

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  34. Seeing that jogger would have killed me. I'd forget all about the extra terrestrials coming down to probe me anally.

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  35. moths... we have some kind of ninja spider that we never see but bites the bejeesus out of us every night.

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  36. Wait a minute - hubs has been out of town, just what kind of 'noises' has she been hearing over there?

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  37. I saw what you said on SITS. I've ALWAYS thought Twilight was creepy and their relationship was unhealthy. Thank God I'm not the only one.

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  38. Well, at least she's concerned!

    If I had close neighbors they would hear weird things too.

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  39. OMG!! this reminded me of a story my aunt has of a moth getting into her house....she claims it was as big as a bat and she actually called the police to come get it out of her laundry room...(no we arent *that* crazy family,her and my uncle worked for the PD....but it made me laugh and also think of her moth story to...i hate moths...they serve no purpose other than dying in any light fixture after the lights have been off for a few minutes

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  40. What a dickhead. Seriously.

    No, not you...your neighbor...
    :)

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  41. It cracks me up that your neighbor thought she needed to come check up on you! I lived for a year near a Naval Weapons facility. The first time I heard a sonic boom, I just about jumped out of my skin! It never occurred to me, though, to go next door to see if my neighbor was responsible for the noise: )

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