Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Twilight Crazies

So I was outside the other day watching Natalie drive her Power Wheels Barbie car around in the driveway. She’s a frightening driver. She totally thought it was funny to collide into my legs. I think I’m going to be afraid when she’s sixteen.

Some of the neighborhood ladies were outside and I waved politely at them. Then I nearly fell on my face because Natalie rammed her car into me.

“Shit!” I shrieked and then quickly corrected myself. “I mean...shoot. Natalie, we don’t run into people. It’s rude.” Not to mention against the law.

The neighborhood ladies must’ve wanted to check that I still had functioning feet so they wandered over. There were two of them and I was slightly distracted by the fact that they both had neatly brushed hair. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had brushed my hair before stepping outside but you’d never know it because it’s so unruly. I could already feel some strands poke out from my ponytail.

“Are you okay?” the blond asked sympathetically.

“It looked like she got you pretty hard,” the brunette added.

“I’m okay,” I said even though I knew I’d have a gigantic bruise. I hate that I bruise so easily. It’s not exactly stylish to have disgusting blue and purple circles going up your legs. This is why I rarely wear shorts.

“So tell her what you told me,” the brunette urged the blond.

The blond clasped her hands together as though she had a fantastic secret. “I scored tickets to New Moon!” She looked at me expectantly.

For a brief second I had no idea what she was going on about. New Moon? What’s a New Moon? Was that a new band or something? I’m so out of the loop with current bands. I just found out that The Fray was a band—for the longest time I thought it was a restaurant that served a variety of soups.

But then I knew what she meant.

New Moon. The second Twilight movie. The second Twilight movie that isn’t released until November.

“Yikes.” The word slipped out of my mouth before I thought about it. It just….CAME OUT. Plus I felt duped. I totally thought the blond had something interesting to say. Like…Michael Phelps was coming to the base to offer swim lessons for kids or that The Office was going to be filmed in Wyoming now which meant there was a good possibility of bumping into John Krasinski.

But no. I get told that she’s already bought tickets for a movie that doesn’t even come out for two months.

Still, maybe she got the tickets for her kids. Maybe her kids are the ones that are into the whole Edward thing that I don’t seem to comprehend.

I realized that the two mothers were gaping at me and this is when I remembered about uttering the whole “yikes” thing. This is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends. I tend to go off into space and say things that aren’t entirely appropriate.

“Well, I imagine your kids will be happy,” I corrected myself. I knew she had two older girls one of whom has called my son a baby and nearly got the hose sprayed on her because of it.

The blond burst out laughing. “Oh, the tickets aren’t for my kids,” she guffawed.



I didn’t know what to say to that.

“That’” I choked out.

“Did you see that New Moon trailer that leaked on the Internet?” the brunette wondered. “Apparently it wasn’t meant to be shown because they wanted to air it on the VMAs.”

“The….VMAs?” I echoed stupidly.

The brunette looked stunned. “The VMAs! You know, the Video Music Awards?” She was staring at me as though I had a giant booger on my cheek.

Of course I know what the VMAs are. Of course. I just…don’t exactly watch them because most of the music of today gives me a headache. I mainly stick to oldies because I can actually hear the lyrics. (On my iTunes list? Songs from The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Crystals, The Everly Brothers, and Tom Petty…)

“That Jacob is a hottie with an H!” the blond cooed.

I started to squirm. Isn’t the actor who plays Jacob like 17? And the blond was in her late thirties. That just seemed….weird…I mean, I get a little uncomfortable liking Michael Phelps because he’s three years younger than I am. I feel like I’m totally robbing the cradle.

“Oh, I know. He almost makes me want to go Team Jacob,” the brunette agreed.

Okay. That’s it. It’s official. The whole world has gone Twilight Crazed. I’m the only one left. I’m the only one who believes that Edward is somewhat mentally abusive. I’m the only one who doesn’t swoon over Edward. I’m the only one who plans on seeing New Moon for the sole purpose of making fun of it.

I needed to get away from these ladies.

“Well. I better get Natalie inside,” I said. Natalie was blazing across the driveway laughing maniacally. She’s definitely going to be watched when she’s sixteen. Maybe I can lie and say that the new driving age is eighteen and that all her friends are terribly mistaken.

At that moment, the brunette’s cell phone rang which made her blissfully stop going on about Jacob. (Lady, hello, the kid is 17. You’ll be sent to jail if you boinked him. FYI.)

“Oh, it’s my daughter!” the brunette said cheerfully. She started jabbering into the phone for a few seconds saying things like, “Okay sure, I’ll meet you in an hour then, bye…” Then she hung up. “I’m so glad I got Avery a cell phone,” she said.

I knew Avery was eight.

“Wow. She already has a cell phone?” I blurted out. My son Tommy, who is seven, has been begging for a cell phone because apparently a lot of his friends already have one. I told him that it’s ridiculous, that maybe he can have one when he’s 13.

“Well, the cell phone helps a lot. Avery can let me know when she’s ready to be picked up,” the brunette explained.

She’s eight! Do eight-year-olds already have a social life? I mean, really? Aren’t they still playing Barbies?

When I was younger I’d just tell my parents that I’d meet them at a designated spot and it all worked out. There is no way I’m giving Tommy a cell phone at his age. No way. Not only because I feel he’s too young but, bless his heart, he has a habit of losing things. We’ve already been to the Lost and Found bin twice to retrieve his jacket. At this rate, he may never have a cell phone.

I said goodbye to the Twilight Crazies a few minutes later. Natalie nearly drove into the blond’s legs but I leaped in front of the car right in time and got knocked in my knees.

“Have a great day,” I coughed out to the women who scurried off so they wouldn’t be my daughter’s latest road kill.

I peered down at Natalie. “Sweetheart. Be nice. I know Twilight freaks you out too but it’s no reason to injure a person,” I lectured.

“Twilight bad!” Natalie shouted and honked her horn for emphasis.

“This is true. But we mustn’t say that in public. People might, I don’t know, revolt or something...” I explained seriously.

You just never know.

It’s a strange strange world we’re living in....


  1. I think I should come over to your place with a bottle of wine and sit there with you and watch the neighbors. I'll bring Susan from Stop Calling Me That. Oh the fun....

  2. hahahahahahaaa yikes. That was awesome!

  3. My feelings exactly! I will seriously just walk away from conversations about the Twilight crap with the person's voice trailing off behind me. Then I act like it never happened the next time I see them :)

  4. Thank you God for showing me someone else that is not a member of the Twilight fanclub. All of my daughters from 24-35 are Twilight crazy. These are intelligent ladies too. They harassed me into reading the first one... don't...I know I'm a Nana so I am way past the Twilight market, but I thought they were too. I don't get it.

    I rule for cell phones was you get one when you start driving. Before that, they could borrow mine to take to a ballgame out of town when they rode the bus. That's it.

  5. Twilight is horrible. I'm glad I'm not the only one...

    Though, I admit, when I read the books I kinda liked them. But, in the year or so it's been since I've read them, I understand how horrible they are.

  6. I am coming at you LIVE from the NO-TWILIGHT tailgate party. We've got ribs, beer and burgers and everyone here is OF AGE. Just sayin. Totally with you on the creepville factor of lusting someone underage.

    To quote someone who is wise beyond her age: "TWILIGHT BAD!"

  7. I have to admit that I actually enjoyed reading the Twilight series (which I only did because my daughter was reading it). Now the movie, well, that's another story. It was terrible. I just don't get what all the fuss is about. My fifteen-year-old daughter isn't even into it. It amazes me that women in their late thirties are.

  8. my daughter is soooooo into those books/movies.

    she's 14 though. not 34.

    good luck with that whole neighbor thing... I usually get the mail under dark of night.

  9. I don't know a thing about this Twilight crap and don't want too!! My neighbor is sooo into it and gets on my nerves about it! I am a very blunt person,to say the least! lol So i'm like not interested.THANKS!! LOL When you come outside to tell me something w/ the book in your hand,ummm you have a problem!! Anyhoo,hope your legs get better! lol

  10. I haven't read Twilight and feel asleep during the movie..

    And 8 for a cell phone? I see a keeping up with the Jones going on in your neighbors house. Yikes...


  11. Okay I'm guilty I think if Michael Phelps showed up to teach swimming lessons I might oogle over him...just Edward is a bit young!

  12. Lol!! I used to wonder what the Twilight craze was about too, then I read the books....sucked in. Not that I'm a super freak about it, but I do see why people are obsessed with it.

    And I used to nanny a 6 year old with a cell phone....

  13. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not sure anyone's yet provided categorical proof that The Fray are indeed a band.

    I know what you mean about the age thing, too. The guys in my office letch over the teenage girls walking to the beach in their bikinis and it's all rather distasteful at times.

  14. I would have been lost in that conversation also since all I know about Twilight is that it involves vampires.

  15. I actually LOVE the books, but HATE the movies! Well, movie, as only one is out so far. Hollywood really screwed them up for me so I'm not as psyched as your neighbors are anymore.

    I'm more of a stamp freak then Twilight freak now, lol!

  16. Well, even though I'm a Twilight Crazy myself, I think this post was (starting my valley girl voice) "off da hook" and you are "like totally sick" and "OMG, the way you acted like you didn't know anything about Twilight? Had me LMAO and ROTFL?" KK?? (Was that a good impersonation of your Twilight crazy neighbors or what?? I teach teenagers, can you tell?)

  17. So...I have neither read the books nor seen any of the movies. And I don't plan to. You are not alone! I also think its super creepy that women are drooling over a teenager...not only that, but most of them are drooling over the *fictional* character. Nut jobs.

  18. Obsessions... never a good thing. Ever.

    Now on the other hand, moving a certain show from Scranton to say, Boulder or Pueblo could open up some interesting "plot complications."

  19. Sorry, I can't sympathize with you. I AM one of the Twilight crazies. My husband (who IS 3 years younger than me)has dubbed me a Twitard. Yup. I wear it with pride :) I do not have tickets to New Moon though and will not be going the opening night because I'm not trusting strangers to babysit my kids. Here's a laugh for ya though. I got my mom hooked too and she's 48, she just came back from vacay in FORKS!

  20. I had a lady call me, one that I haven't talked to in over a year mind you, and ask if I knew how to get her New Moon tickets for opening day. WHAT THE!?

  21. What is it with kids driving those things?! My daughter would run into our legs too! And the fence, the tree, the neighbors dogs... and she thought it was hysterical! Thank goodness she has grown out of it.

    I don't understand the over 25 Twilight fans either. I went through my vampire stage as a teenager reading Anne Rice, when it's appropriate. The girl in the movie always looks stoned, and I want to throw that guy Robert in the bath and give him a haircut! I guess I am officially old. haha!

  22. I want to watch New Moon so I can pick it apart and compare it to the book. That's about it. As far as cell phones . . . I used to use a payphone when I was in school! Kids nowadays are SO spoiled. It's ridiculous. I didn't get my first cell phone until I paid for it myself.

  23. Uh Twlight freaked me out too! Especially when the women in their 20's and 3's were screaming at the screen. I did have to see it for my FRIEND =)

    Stop by today for some comment love for the Under the Sheets-shhh Blogaversary! Yippee...

  24. Oy! The obsession with Twilight really is ridiculous. I mean, it's fine if you liked the books, but c'mon people. It's getting ridiculous.

  25. I'm with you on the cell phone thing. My 10 year old has asked repeatedly for one. Not gonna happen.

  26. I read the books and liked them and I may even see this new movie (I have not seen the first one) but I don't get all the craziness. It is just well, for lack of a better word, crazy.

  27. And yes, 8 is WAY to young to have a cell phone.

  28. Wow, that reminds me so much of housing. God, I hated housing. lol :)

  29. I haven't read the books yet. I feel like I am the only one in America who hasn't.

    Kaish wants a cell phone. He is 9. I just think that is too young. His neighborhood friends have them. I do see how they could be helpful when they are playing and I need to find him out in the neighborhood. But then I remember I can walk :) and I do.

  30. I remember when the first movie came out and it averaged about two stars with critics. I thought, "Well, that's it for Twilight." Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea the court of public opinion would overrule the critics so soundly. I walked out after an hour, bored to tears.

  31. I'll admit that I did somewhat like the books, but I thought that the movie was just horrid! Wasn't impressed at all with the actors and acting and I wanted to turn it off after just a few minutes.

  32. I have no idea about anything to have to do with those movies. Only that the lead actor is caught in some sordid love triangle with his co-stars or something like that.

    And just for the record, I'm 37 and my boyfriend's 19. Seriously. It's friggin AWESOME.

  33. AMEN.

    Some friends and I went to Twilight on opening nite (for the making of the fun). We sat there with screaming surreal. I just don't get it.

    I turned on the VMAs for a bit last night (in time to see Kanye make a fool of himself) and then had to stop watching. My husband and I watched an old episode of Monk instead. Because Monk? I can totally relate to him.

  34. The two of us can stand against the Twilights...

  35. I rebelled for quite some time, too! And, I promise not to go buying tickets for movies four months from now!

    I think I'm getting old, too!

  36. lol, this story is hilarious! thanks for this! I agree with you, older women robbing the cradle and loving twilight actors is alittle scary. a friend of mine (and i'm only 28) thinks the star of twilight is so "hot" and its just so odd! and I don't say anything just cause I don't want to hurt her feelings...maybe I should:) anyways, thanks for the blog! oh and if I'm blessed enough to have a child one day, they are so not having cell phones until they are like 18!

  37. Ha! I love how you're willing to go to the movie just to make fun of it. I loath the whole Twilight experience so much that I can't even consider spending the money to rent it when it eventually comes out on DVD! I am so for Team Nobody!

  38. YIKES is right and not only is it a word I LOVE...I would have said it in this same circumstance.

  39. Twilight tires me out. There's just too much hysteria surrounding it. I wish people would focus that enthusiasm on something more productive?

  40. Wow.

    Twi-tard 30something year old mothers?

    Wrong in so many ways. Same for the cell phone at 8. I dont even use mine that much...

    (This coming from a teenage girl. I frankly DO NOT get the Twilight craziness. Ok books, bad movie, INSANE fans!!!)

  41. What's even worse is when women who are old enough to be my mother claim to be in love with "Edward". Good God woman, you're almost 60 years old, you should be hottin over Jack Nicholson or some old fart like that! Leave the nineteen year olds for the forty year olds!

  42. Hi! Popping over from SITS Roll Call to visit again! I just love the way you write and every time I visit it's so relate-able to me!

    I NEVER watch MTV these days - do they really even HAVE videos on there anymore anyway???

    I missed the boat on Twilight too, though apparently it has crossed over to many more adults than I ever imagined. My 40-something single girlfriend read the books, not once but MULTIPLE times, and got obsessive about it - reading them over and over in a row and called me in tears one day because she wanted that kind of love in her life! I reminded her it's just FICTION!

    The cell phone thing .. well that's just nuts. When my son was in middle school (then, still called junior high school) it was all about pagers. Which when you look back now, is kinda laugable!

    Have a great week!!

  43. YOu are not alone in your lack of understanding the whole Twilight craziness among middle aged women. And I agree with you that Edward is a bad boyfriend, not to mention creepy with a capital C.

    Not to mention that if I didn't have 2 teenage daughters I wouldn't have a clue about Edward vs. Jacob or the VMAs (and I actually like some current music).

    As for cell phones, my girls got cellphones when they needed them for MY convenience. And that was HS for the oldest and Middle School for the younger one.

    I think those women are having trouble being grown ups.

  44. K. First we know I am in an Edward frenzie at the time bein'
    I do not think the movie was very good. Really, you could have muted it and been fine.
    I am however in complete agreement that 8 is TOO young for a social life. My oldest is 8; her social life consists of whatever the hell I say it does. So there.

  45. You are NOT ALONE! I have absolutely no interest in the whole Twilight thing... I don't get it. And the cell phone thing? OMG, 8 years old is just way too young, I'm sorry. That's just insane.

  46. first, i love the office and i want jim to ditch pam and run off with me. she isn't even cute.

    second, i have read the twilight books. they got better as they went. my BFF who also read the books, drug me to see twilight at the movies and i laughed hysterically the entire time. if you're over the age of 12 you will find this movie incredibly stupid.

    hopefully you won't get the Twilight and Edward Lovers up your crack now.

  47. I watched Twilight last weekend. The DVD was a free rental when I rented 3 other movies, so I thought why not. I actually enjoyed the movie a lot more than I thought I would...but...I see nothing dreamy about Edward at all. He has scary, pointy vampire teeth...that is not dreamy or sexy or hot. And some of his facial expressions made me laugh out loud when the scene was supposed to be serious. I just don't get the whole Edward thing.

  48. Well, I won't go so far as to say I'm a Twilight freak or anything but I did really love the books and the movie. Although I don't get all the hype about the Edward guy....I don't even think he's that good looking.

    My niece and nephew each have cell phones and they're only 9 and 11. My sister says it's for emergencies only. Yeah, right...I'm sure that's exactly what they're using their phones for. So naive....

  49. Whew! The "Twilight" Zone indeed! Glad you escaped. LOL!

  50. I think marketing of teens to women is yuck. Makes me think of the young female teachers who have sex with their male students.

  51. ok.. so the whole cell phone thing.. totally agree with ya.. its just getting way ridiculous out there!

    now.. come over to my house and shoot me if you must... i'll admit that i have no shame is saying..... that.. yea.. "i'm a total twilight addict"...


  52. Okay, so Ree Drummond is going to be in Chicago on Nov 20th signing books as part of the release of her new cookbook and I totally was trying to coordinate New Moon movie times and going to the cookbook signing with a trip to Chicago. *hides*

    And about the cell are totally right on with waiting. I told my teen when she can pay for it she can get one.

  53. Um... since Michael Phelps is nearly jailbait to old me, I'm going to take your word for it about the Twilight sperm. I didn't even read Anne Rice's vampire books, so Twilight talk is definitely over my head. But cellphones for 8 year olds? Not to mention an 8 year old who "tells" me when she's ready to be picked up? Nope. Not signing on. Sorry you bruise easily; have you tried matching your eyeshadow to the color? I find it really makes my eyes look whiter, and I get many compliments.

  54. Who is Jacob?
    No clue what New Moon is.
    I sort of recall watching Twilight but the pale dude creeped me out. Shouldn't he lay in a tanning bed or try some spray tan maybe? Guess sucking blood can kinda do damage on a person's skin tone?
    I do however, know that Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs is coming out soon.....can't wait for that one!

  55. ha ha ha. So........I'm assuming you are not a twilight fan? :) My sister calls me especially to tell me about an new New Moon trailer releases. YOu know. Lest I die without that knowledge. :)

  56. I bruise easily too & I hate it. I haven't read or seen Twilight yet, but I got the movie from the library today. So I will finally know what these people are talking about. I have no clue either.

  57. You are brave to proclaim this to others. Aren't you afraid you'll get arrested?


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