“I think something might be wrong with Tommy.”
I still remember uttering the words. Tommy was about three at the time. He barely spoke and he did this funny thing with his arms that I realized other kids didn’t do. When I’d bring him to the park he would rarely climb and play on the toys. No, instead he preferred to race around in circles. Sometimes I’d watch him stare at an object and he’d just walk back and forth, back and forth.
“Nothing is wrong with Tommy. He’ll grow out of it,” Tom told me. He refused to believe that anything could be wrong with his namesake. But still, I could see his frustration when he’d try to toss a ball to Tommy. Our neighbor had a boy about Tommy’s age and that boy could easily catch the ball. I could see Tom thinking, Why can’t my son catch a ball?
“Come on, Tommy, hold out your arms,” Tom would coach and Tommy, who wants to please everyone, would comply. But still the ball would slip down his stomach and drop to the floor.
Tommy’s preschool teacher would call at least once per week.
“We can’t get him to sit still at circle time.”
“His speech is incredibly limited.”
“Tommy flips out when we have a fire drill.”
This continued on to Kindergarten. I began to feel helpless. I was trying to do everything I could to help Tommy. He had speech and occupational therapy since he was two, when we realized he was so behind other kids. I’d sit with him on my lap and we’d point out pictures in books.
“Look Tommy, look at the girl in this picture. What is she doing?” I’d prompt.
“Crying,” Tommy said.
“What do we do when people cry?”
And he’d just sit there because he honestly didn’t know. To say, “Give her a hug,” wouldn’t even pass through his mind.
I became lost in various books on how I could help Tommy. I’d search for hours online hoping I’d come across a miracle cure.
“I don’t feel like you’re here anymore,” Tom admitted one day.
“I’ll never be fully here until I know my son is okay,” I answered as I flipped through another parenting book.
“I feel like I don’t have a wife sometimes,” Tom said. “You’re always pouring through books. You don’t...you haven’t asked how I felt about all this. I hurt too. I hurt because I see my son needs help and I don’t know how to give it to him. I don’t know how to bond with my own kid. I don’t....I don’t know how to bond with my own kid.” Tom hung his head and looked away. I was sure he was blinking back tears.
I had been so busy searching for answers that I hadn’t stopped to realize how Tom was feeling. I knew how thrilled he was to have a son. When we found out I was having a boy, he was so happy.
“I’ll teach him to play ball!” Tom had said excitedly. He bent down to talk to my bulging stomach. “Do you hear that Tommy the Third? I’m going to teach you to play ball!”
But what happens when that boy can’t catch a ball? What happens when that boy is trapped in his own world and would rather stare at an object and walk back and forth, back and forth…what happens when your kid has so much energy that he can’t seem to concentrate on basic rules for a game?
This story has a happy ending for us though.
I realized this as I sat on the bleachers for an assembly to watch my son, that same boy who flaps his arms when excited, get an award for being a Persistent Student, a kid who never gives up even if he’s struggling. He’ll keep trying until he gets it right. If he makes a mistake, he wants to know how he can fix it.
You see, we found out that Tommy had Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. We were able to figure out how to help him. He began to come over to our world.
So I clapped and clapped when Tommy’s name was called, knowing how far we’ve come:
“Is he yours?” the woman beside me asked.
I smiled as wide as I could. “Yes. He’s mine.”
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
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What a wonderful post. I am passing your blog along to a friend whos son also has Aspergers.
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible Mom! If you weren't, you wouldn't have been able to discover what was going on and to do something about it. When I think back on anything you've said about Tommy, and knowing what he has overcome, I can't help but feel admiration for what you've gone through and for what Tommy's gone through too. Heck, he's going to be the next Michael Phelps!
ReplyDeleteI am crying. What an incredible post, especially the ending lines coupled with those photos.
ReplyDeleteLoved it!
Thanks for your persistence and now you can help your son. I hope Tom is relieved as well.
ReplyDeleteI am a firm believer in mothers intuition..and you proved it.
xx
This story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this story of triumph. You are such a good mom. I wish there were more parents like you in the world. Other parents would have just given up on him. But not you. Congrats on your success and those yet to come! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy his treatment is helping him. (wiping tear off cheek)
ReplyDeleteThat was just beautiful! And thank God your husband said something to you instead of holding it in, like so many men do. And thank God Tommy has such a wonderful mom who never gave up on him! He's gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I have tears in my eyes. Yay for Tommy!!! And good job, Mom and Dad!
ReplyDeleteI think I got a little something in my eye there at the end. I'm glad Asperger's and ADHD have gotten so much attention in recent years. It's not such a mystery anymore.
ReplyDeleteSo proud of your Tommy! Wonderful post and I'm happy you are such a persistent mom and found the help and answers you needed for Tommy!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog through Harvard Housewife and what a wonderful first post to read. You brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be proud of little Tommy, Mama! People with 'normal' children simply take these little milestones for granted, and will never realize just how much dedication goes into teaching a child with learning disabilities.
ReplyDeleteYour Tommy looks a great deal like my Alex. Alex is autistic, and I could definitely relate to your mentions of pacing back and forth, flapping the arms, and just staring at an object.
My 17 year old has ADHD, and Alex's twin brother, Kaleb, has Auditory Processing Disorder.
Life is definitely a challenge, raising children with learning disabilities, but it nothing compared to the pride we feel when they have their major breakthroughs.
Keep up the great work!
Angela
You have come a long way! I am so proud of you. I have read you from the time Tommy toddled...
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. I'm so proud of Tommy and how he is blossoming since you discovered what was causing the problem and how to treat it. My heart goes out to you for strength and to Tom. It's so hard for men to talk about their feelings and emotions.
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher of student with Autism and AD/HD, this post was very touching. Have you ever read this?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
Well, you know from my posts that my 19 year old son is autistic. I wish that there had been more knowledge and treatment programs when he was small. But he has come a long way too.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for rolling up your sleeves and wading in, sometimes we're the only people in their corner. And it sounds like you are as lucky to have Tom as I am to have my hubby.
Congratulations to Tommy and to his Mom. =]
♥Spot
tears....thats so amazing that you were able to give him the help he needed to help him succeed!! its so hard as parents to accept that our children may be struggling...or different...i have on child with adhd and odd, and another child with oral motor and sensory disorders... it was tough at first, but looking at them now, healthy and happy...it makes the long road so worth it!! i'm so happy for tommy!! he's such a sweet kid!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, my oldest two sons have Aspergers & I relate so much to your Tommy. The future is wide open for our boys, the world is going to have to watch out because they are going to change it for the better.
ReplyDeleteYour story is so beautiful and it just makes me smile! I'm so happy for you and your wonderful little boy.
ReplyDeleteyay Tommy! you brought tears to my eyes though because i am going through the same thing with my stepson. its incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel...we think he has ADD and i may look into Aspergers...any helpful tips?
ReplyDeleteI'm officially giving you an award for being a "Persistent Mom, a Mom who never gives up even if she’s struggling.". That is such a moving story. I'm so happy you have your happy ending.
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering if my 3 and a half year old has ADHD, or something akin. He just has so much energy, very rarely sitting still or concentrating. It's so hard to tell how much is normal 3 year old behavior, though, and if it's something more. He also doesn't talk much. This, I know, he needs help with.
ReplyDeleteWhat an incredibly beautiful, loving post. You have a lovely family.
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome. Way to go Tommy!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post! You definitely have a fabulous boy to be so very proud of!
ReplyDeleteThat is so touching!! My nephew is autistic and non-verbal and I can just hear my SiL and my brother in that story. The accomplishments are so magnified because it takes so much more to get there. Congratulations for getting him this far and good wishes for the future:-)
ReplyDeleteGreat story Amber!
ReplyDeleteOh that is great, I can't imagine how hard it would be to know something is wrong with your child but not know what!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't surprised that you tried to research what might be wrong with Tommy. I've come to realize you're just that kind of mom. A mom who would go the distance for her kids.
ReplyDeleteTommy is where he is now because of your patience and love. Way to go Tommy, way to go Amber! (Hugs)Indigo
I'll never forget Max's autism diagnosis. It was one of the darkest days of my life. I felt as if my child had died, for all the hopes and visions I had of a normal life for him were gone. We thought he might never speak, be in a diaper forever. After all, that was his condition at age five. Thank God, there is more education out there about working with/teaching kids on the spectrum. I feel so much pride when I see my son, and even though he's obviously "different" and behind everyone else his age, that pride is not a rationalization, but real. Seeing your child happy, healthy and learning is the greatest gift of all - it turns out whether he's "typical" or not compared to others really has nothing to do with it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful feeling...and don't I know it! This was so beautifully written...wonderful!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, beautifully written, truly inspiring post. Thank you for sharing. I love how it illustrates classic mom - fighting till the end and classic dad - hurting but not able to put words to it. You recognized Tom's pain in the midst of it all. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI hope that moment in time has brought you and your husband closer than you could ever imagine. What a beautiful son you guys have.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! So many of the things you said touched me. Moms just know when things aren't right, don't they? I'm so glad you kept pursuing this and are experiencing your happy ending.
ReplyDeletethis is such a beautiful story. I am so happy that it has a happy ending. Hayden is struggling in school right now and I hope that we find our happy ending too.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. Seems like Tommy learned persistence from his wonderful mother. Your family is an unstoppable team.
ReplyDeleteMy 8 year old has the exact same diagnosis. I knew what you were going to say as soon as I started reading your post. I KNEW YOUR SON'S DIAGNOSIS. Because I have lived it. Only difference is that my son is gifted in gross motor and deficient in fine motor. But I knew. I'm so happy I'm following your blog- we have a connection- a connection for the love of our babies that we have fought and struggled for all their lives.
ReplyDeleteIt is an amazing thing ~ my oldest nephew was diagnosed with the exact things. So many struggles with school, with medications, etc. I know how proud you must be of him.
ReplyDeleteOh, Amber, this was so moving. As a mom of a son who had problems growing up, I can empathize what you were going through. It is frustrating when you don't know what you are dealing with. Now that you know what the problems are, you can face them head on. Good for you for sticking to it and getting to the bottom of everything. In my son's case, he was "borderline" this, and "borderline" that. He graduated high school (by the skin of his teeth), had various jobs, and finally settled down to a job that he's held for the past 5 years. He has made very poor decisions in his life, and doesn't understand the consequences that follow. He doesn't understand how to handle his money, and struggles with his bills. BUT, he's come an awful long way AND has lived on his own since we've been on the road. He's a great kid and I always pray that he'll find someone who will love him just the way he is. :) Sorry, didn't mean to go on and on here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post.
ReplyDeleteYou should be proud not only of Tommy's accomplishments but of yourself and your husband as well.
What a heartwarming story! I swear, I could feel your frustration and your husband's heartbreak in your words. I am so glad that you now know the best way to help him. And I could feel your pride when he received his award. You are one special momma to a very lucky little man!
ReplyDeleteOh, that made me cry. You are a great mommy.
ReplyDeleteTouching post. I have tears in my eyes. Go Tommy!
ReplyDeleteWay to go Tommy!
ReplyDeleteI could feel your amazing pride in your sweet boy!
ReplyDeleteAmber, I so enjoy your blog. You are a great writer with an awesome sense of humor. You are a terrific mom for researching how to help your son.
ReplyDeleteYa-hoo for Tommy! I'm proud of him, too, just on general principles! We have a cousin whose 16-year old son has Asperger's. We understand the challenges, but I can see Tommy's lucky with the mom and dad he has supporting him! Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Chris.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds just like my Kaylin (aka KK). Her therapist said she may have Aspergers but they can only really diagnose when she's about 5 or 6. She's only 3 and we battle with her and her speech. I didn't want to believe the therapist as they say Aspies Kids have very good speech. Kaylin has very limited speech for her age. I don't know what to do...
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how many times your (and your husband's)heart must have broken in those early times... Congratulations to Tommy on coming SO far - and to you, for taking the extra time and effort to figure out what the problem was, regardless of what the doctors (who are supposed to KNOW these things) told you.
ReplyDeleteHey there, love your blog! Go check me out there's a little something there for you there which I hope you'll like!
ReplyDeleteThat's great, Amber. This really gives me hope that my own child will turn out OK. She really has a lot of problems and quite a few of them align with the same issues Tommy had as a young child. Wonderful post.
ReplyDeletethis brought tears to my eyes...
ReplyDeletebut even though i don't personally know you and will probably never meet you... it makes me SO HAPPY for your whole family (and tommy's of course)of how far he's come!
Oh, that's such a sweet post! Good for Tommy, and good for you!
ReplyDeleteIf Tommy hadn't been blessed with such great parents he might well have not have come so far...
ReplyDeleteHe's a charming child - from what I've seen - I hope he continues to persevere and never give up on things - he will go a long way in life and always be content with himself - and know he has a wonderful family behind him every step of the way.
You're an awesome mom. :-D
ReplyDeleteI wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments :)
ReplyDelete(Sorry I'm a little late.)
ReplyDeleteBut I just wanted to say that this is a beautiful post.
I'm so glad that the ending is happy and that your son is doing so well.
So glad that you posted this, I know that it's not your typical style of writing (which I love too) but this is such a great message. You can reach people through your blog, through this post.
ReplyDeleteGood job, both you and your son!
Amber, this made me cry. I myself have a 13 year old I needed to fight for. My nephew was diagnosed with Asperger's a year and a half ago, he's 4. Your story inspires me.
ReplyDeleteAwww... so sweet - what a great post! I don't know much about this but I am sending your family a lot of hugs and kisses and prayers! :o)
ReplyDeleteLove this post. Gives me hope for my sweet nephew. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteWhat an incredible post, especially the ending lines coupled with those photos. Work From Home
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post. I just know it will help a lot of people out there. Happy SITS Sharefest.
ReplyDeleteSweetly Sweet
That made me cry.
ReplyDeleteSomething is wrong with Corban, too. He has a sensory disorder and is speech delayed. We went through a time where we started to lose him. He was withdrawing further and further into himself because we didn't know what was wrong with him. We got us all some help and him some therapy and one day sitting in the van he spoke a full sentence to me and I just cried and cried. He came back to me.
I'm glad Tommy came back to you, too.