Monday, June 21, 2010

Farts and Cake

“FFFFFFFTTTTTFFFFFF.”

“Amber, dammit, I’m going to take that away from you,” my husband Tom grumbled.

I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

See, I got an iPod Touch for my birthday and the first application (or app, as the cool kids call it) I downloaded was a farting one. You can time the thing to make a farting noise and when it does you can be all, “Did you just cut the cheese?”

I’ve done this joke in our house. A lot. Tom found it funny at first. But after the third time he was no longer amused.

“How old are you again?” Tom asked pointedly.

“Er....twenty eight....” I admitted. And then the iPod Touch farted again and I collaped into more giggles.

My birthday, which was on Saturday, didn’t start off that good though.

No, when I had stumbled down the stairs I expected Tom to take me in my arms and wish me a Happy Birthday. But no. I found him stretched out on the couch, fast asleep. And for my added enjoyment, as I glared down at him, he scratched his balls, let out a loud snore, and smacked his lips repeatedly.

Why wasn’t he up wishing me a happy birthday? On his birthday I always wish him a happy birthday first thing.

I was tempted to throw water on his inconsiderate sleeping face. But that wouldn’t be nice. And it could potentially put him in a foul mood. So instead I started stomping around the house. I slammed cupboards and banged on drawers. I peeked over my shoulder expecting to see Tom waking up. But no. He didn’t even budge.

Maybe he IS telling the truth when he says he doesn’t hear the kids when they wake up in the dead of night.

(Probably not, though.)

In the end I sent Natalie to wake him up. I knew he wouldn’t get upset with her. And he didn’t. I heard him go, “Woah!” and then his eyes fluttered open.

“Boo,” Natalie said, grinning down at him.

I strolled into the living room waiting for my birthday wish.

Tom just scratched his leg and looked confused.

I waited some more.

Tom sneezed and didn’t bother to cover his nose.

Gross. Remind me to sanitize that area.

Tom got up and seriously looked like he was going to leave without wishing me a happy birthday.

“Ahem,” I said sweetly. I would not get mad on my birthday.

“You have an eye booger,” Tom offered.

AN EYE BOOGER? IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND ALL HE COULD TELL ME WAS THAT I HAD AN EYE BOOGER?!

“Oh, and happy birthday,” Tom added almost as an afterthought.

Well. I’ll take it.

Plus Tom made me lasagna.

And there was cake.





So in the end I had an enjoyable birthday.

Filled with lots of cake.

(Seriously, I had one piece after dinner and one piece before bed. Yum.)

65 comments:

  1. Well Happy Birthday (belated!)...how can you eat all that cake and still be that skinny???!! You're stressing me out!

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  2. happy birthday. I would eat cake everyday.

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  3. Happy birthday! I'm glad you had such a fantastic day!

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  4. I will eat all the frsoting in the world. Happy belated birthday!

    And I hope my husband never finds out about that app.

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  5. Happy belated birthday! I got an ipod touch for my birthday back in April, and I LOVE it. I didn't know they had a farting app though...lol

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  6. Okay, who are these people that don't think farting is funny?

    I was watching a musical once and a guy in the band had fallen asleep, then ripped one and woke himself up. I saw AND heard it all happen and was completely incapacitated for the next 15 minutes.

    The guys behind me were audibly commenting on my lack of maturity.

    Happy birthday to you, madam! I hope the cake was phenomenal and that the farting continued well into the night!

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  7. Happy Birthday! Cake is the best present ever!

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  8. Sounds like my husband... minus the cake!

    Hope it was a good one!!!

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  9. Happy belated birthday...and I love the fart app!

    Now, I must go make cake and somehow not burn down my house....

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  10. YUM! Birthday cake!

    Happy Birthday to you!

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  11. Happy Belated Bday! Why don't men ever get as excited as we do?! But there was cake so it's all good!

    My BIL has that app. It makes me giggle too.

    ♥Spot

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  12. Happy Belated Birthday! I hope it was a great one. My hubby didn't tell me happy birthday until we were on our way to work (together) because he says he didn't want to bother me while I was getting ready.

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  13. Happy Birthday Sunshine :)

    Glad you got lots of cake! :)

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  14. Mmmm cake cake cake! I will be getting my fill over the next few months. FIL b-day over weekend = cake. Daughter #1 b-day next weekend = cake, friend's kid's b-day next weekend = cake. Daughter #2 b-day in a couple of weeks = cake. MY birthday in just over a month = cake :)

    Not to mention the other b-day's for friends and their kids I have forgotten.

    Yay for cake!

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  15. You're 28? I have SOCKS older than you! Happy birthday, you young pup! GAD I feel old.

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  16. You're 28? I have SOCKS older than you! Happy birthday, you young pup! GAD I feel old.

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  17. yay happy birthday!
    And if Tom is allowed all those Thats What She Said moments... you totally get to make your ipod fart!

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  18. Glad the day ended with cake...cake makes everything better!

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  19. Happy belated. I'd have come over and jumped on his balls had I known.

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  20. Happy belated birthday! Sounds like a great one. My husband and stepdaughter both have the fart app. They also think it's funny - every time :-)

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  21. I'm glad your birthday ended up just perfectly!

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  22. I are confused . . . If you're in the second pic . . . and Tom's in the second pic . . . Who's taking the picture??? Inquiring minds want to know!

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  23. You are a doll! So cute! Happy Birthday girlfriend!

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  24. Congratulations! A little late, maybe, but at least you had cake. (^v^)

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  25. Happy Birthday Amber! Eat more cake, girl! You are no bigger than a minute!

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  26. Happy Birthday! You look terrific!

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  27. I don't care how old you are...farting is funny. And anyone who doesn't think so is BORING!!! Happy Birthday!!!!

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  28. Happy Belated Birthday! Maybe Tom was just waiting for you to hug yourself! ;) I expected Tom to take me in my arms and wish me a Happy Birthday. I loved this whole post and could totally relate! But anybody who can eat that many carbs and stay skinny is on my hit list!

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  29. Happy Birthday!! And I also slam cabinets and stomp through the house when I want to wake Micah without waking him. But it always ends with him asking me why I'm so mad.

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  30. Happy Birthday!

    I guess it really is true that for everything under the sun " There's an app for that" LOL!

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  31. Us women have to just take what we can get I suppose

    Glad you enjoyed your birthday...eventually!

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  32. You are about the same age as my child. I. Feel. So. Old.

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  33. Wow, you call 2 pieces of cake a lot? How big were the pieces? 2 pieces of cake for me is just a smidgen. I need a hunk. A hunk of cake that is. A hunk of a man would be nice, but a hunk of cake is a necessity.

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  34. Cretin!

    Happy birthday! And I totally think the fart app is hilarious!

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  35. Happy, happy birthday!!!

    hmmmm, wondering if I can get that app for the blackberry.....

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  36. What kind of cake was it? Looks YUMMY!

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  37. You are supposed to eat a lot of cake on your birthday! Glad to hear it was a good one.

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  38. Amber, Amber, Amber, when are you going to realize that Tom is NEVER going to be like you when it comes to celebrating birthdays? Hey - at least you got cake AND a gift! That's more that I can say about my birthday!

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  39. Happy Birthday!!

    And we have a farting MACHINE. As in, a machine that you hide and can press a remote control to make the fart sound from under the couch cushion or wherever you want. Hours of fun, that one.

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  40. Happy Birthday...glad to hear it all turned out well.

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  41. Happy Birthday! I hope you had a fun day.

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  42. Glad your birthday ended up alright -- and he totally deserves to be bugged by the fart app!!! ;-)

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  43. i want a fart app. and now i want cake.

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  44. Happy birthday! Wish they had a fart app for my husband's blackberry... oh wait, he doesn't need that. He can produce fart sounds on demand. Sexy.

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  45. Happy Birthday! I'm glad you got to have cake on your birthday, would you believe on my last bday I didn't have any cake at all-- sadness! LOL.

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  46. Cake makes nearly everything better.

    I'm older than you and I have the fart app on my phone. Its funny...I don't care who you are (or how old!)

    It was nice of you to not flick an eyebooger into a certain someone's piece of cake :o)

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  47. Happy Belated Birthday.

    This post had everything....boogers, farts, balls, cake...everything.

    Someone is trying to bring in more google search term people.

    Nice.

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  48. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Its not a birthday with cake...and farts.

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  49. My hubby has an iTouch, and a fart app was also one of the first he downloaded. For me it's moved past funny to an eyeroll, because my son has now memorized every fart on there. You can play one while he's not looking and he'll scream out, "PANTS STAINER!" Nice. Maybe you can memorize some muliplication tables or something, kid. :P

    Yay for cake! Happy birthday!

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  50. Happy Birthday!!! Sounds like it was a pretty good one. :)

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  51. Happy Birthday!!!

    ...and Happy Farting!!!

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  52. Happy birthday!!!!!!! And I would so be doing that with the iTouch app too :)

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  53. I LOVE cake! I would have cut teeny tiny slivers for the family and kept the rest for myself! LOL

    I had a "farting" ring tone that I set up on my phone for whenever my husband called me.

    It was VERY appropriate! :)

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  54. Happy Birthday! Mines was Saturday, too. Know what I did? Take care of my husband who had food poisoning and was throwing up all over the house. Yippee-kai-yay.

    Then we drove 4 hours to Bakersfield, which is really not a destination that warrants a 4-hour drive. With three kids freaking out in the backseat and your husband puking while riding shotgun.

    But at least there are presents. And cake. :)

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  55. LOVE that my kids share your birthday!

    Glad that you had a good day.

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  56. Depends on how big the pieces were.

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  57. This made me laugh out loud...my husband said, "what's so funny?" So i decided to read him your blog entry today. Not only did i read it for a little "HINT" for him in the future but found him laughing out loud as well! :)

    Thanks for the laugh! FFFTTTFF! And happy birthday.

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  58. Aww...Happy Belated Birthday girly!

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  59. I'm late, as usual!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

    28? I don't even remember 28.....

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  60. Happy Birthday! I think the first app I downloaded into my Moment phone was crickets. You know, somebody says something and crickets chirp. At least I thought it was funny! And you only had 2 pieces of cake? I bow down to your self-control!!!

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  61. Sorry I'm a bit late but happy birthday anyway. A fart app? Really? I love the tumbling sheep app, it's so addictive.

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