Friday, July 16, 2010

The Evil Tree

One fine day, some General came on the military base that I live at and declared that base housing had no curb appeal.

This caused people to panic—“oh noes, a General is unhappy!’ and then suddenly it was announced that flowers and trees would be planted in the housing area.

The thing is, I don’t have plants in my yard. Because I kill them. But the base didn’t care. They appeared in everyone’s yards and started planting things, even when people would complain.

Want to know the kicker?

They said if the plants died that we’d have to pay for them.

I might as well write a check now. Because the plants will die. I have a black thumb and plants shrink away from me when they see me coming. I imagine rose bushes having conversations with the daisies—“brace yourself, lad, Amber is coming.”

We weren’t here when our stuff was planted. So when we came home, there were the plants.



Oh, and this sad looking tree.



I hate how they just planted it in our yard. That just gives me something else to have to avoid when I mow. And the tree is sad, something out of a Charlie Brown special. We even called base housing and they were all, “Oh, the antelopes like to chew on them. It’s your job to nurse it back to health.”

“Actually, it’s YOUR job to nurse it back to health because you planted the crappy thing, you twat!” I retorted.

Well. I didn’t really say it. But I thought it.

The tree is stubborn and doesn’t want to return from the brink of death.

Our plants look like they’ve seen better days.

Knowing the military they planted all the cheap will-die-in-a-month stuff anyhow. That way they can be all, “Oh, you owe us for that,” and make some extra cash.

Know something else about the tree?

I keep thinking that it’s a person. I’ll walk past the front door, do a double take and think, “Why is a person just standing in our yard?”

It’s worse at night.

When I walk into our bedroom, the window is right in front of me so I’m constantly thinking, “Who is in our yard? Do I have a stalker?”



Tom is used to my paranoia. So the other night when I went, “Who is that?” he replied without a worry in his voice, “It’s the tree, Amber.”

I hate the tree! I have daydreams about pulling it from the ground and hurling it onto the street with a sign that reads: “Dear Military—don’t want it, but thanks anyway.”

The antelope won’t stop eating it. I had to run out and shoo them away and my neighbors were outside so they probably think I’m an animal hater. I ran out there with my arms waving in the air shrieking, “Step away from the ugly tree!” If PETA saw that they’d probably issue a statement saying something like, “Amber, a blogger, was seen yelling at defenseless antelope who were minding their own business.”

But they weren’t minding their own business. They were chewing up the tree that I didn’t even want. Now it looks like it’s dead and I refuse to pay for something that I didn’t kill.

I hope you’re happy, FE Warren AFB.

52 comments:

  1. Holy chit! I am laughing my butt off over here! I cannot keep outdoor vegetation alive either. My mom gave me these indoor plants called Zizi/Zeezee plants...something like that, and I've had them for a year and a half and they still look great. You know why? They hate sunlight and only have to be watered every few months!

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  2. I'm relieved to know I have comfort in my black thumb status. My poor yard is more mud-pit than the lush lawn my landlady envisioned. I have unsuccessfully planted roses every year and am rewarded with dead, thorny sticks. Blech.

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  3. Not often do I actually laugh out loud while reading blogs, but this post has me rolling! "It's the tree, Amber." Oh, my stomach hurts.

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  4. My plants dies within a few weeks. I've left the dead plants out there as a shrine to dead plants everywhere. I just can't keep the damn things alive, but I buy them in the hope this time will be different...

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  5. OMG! It's totally the saddest little tree ever. . .well, maybe that tree that your son brought home for Arbor day was *slightly* sadder. At least you can decorate it and make it all 'pretty' come Christmas! And look on the bright side - you have ANTELOPE in your yard now! What fun! I don't think I've ever even seen an antelope in person. . .

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  6. Amber, I share your feelings about trees in general. They scare me. No good comes from hanging around with weirdo trees. And I am convinced they attract aliens, so if you ever wake up feeling "probed", you and I will know the truth of the matter. I don't know much about antelopes or being home on the range either for that matter.

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  7. Ditto the black thumb over here! When I moved into my first condo, I had all these nice plants to put around thanks to an aunt with a super awesome green thumb. They were all dead within six weeks. The only plants I have now are those that other people with green thumbs plant for me. They still die and I still get more planted for me after they die. Endless cycle...


    Still amazed that you have antelope where you are and that they come so close to your yard!

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  8. that is the ugliest tree I have ever seen!!

    Our strata in our old townhouse told us we had to pay to replace any plants that died out front ouf our units...and then told us we were NOT ALLOWED TO WATER DURING A HEAT WAVE??!!! WTF??

    Bastards. Lucky for us, the ugly rhodo made it :p

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  9. Oh, that thing would definitely be dead already if it were in my yard. What a mean thing that general did...

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  10. SUPER COOL you have antelope. Now tree or no tree i would like to see that.

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  11. That's nasty. I'd go crazy if people started messing with my garden - uh, balcony.

    1. The tree - maybe try surrounding it by fence, that's what we do with younger trees to avoid them being eaten by deer etc. Like, you put 1.5m high fence around it, approx. 30-50cm away from the tree (giving you a fence circle of 60-100cm in diameter).

    2. The plants - there are a few plants that simply won't die. Maybe ask a professional what's the best for your area. I have the thumb of death when it comes to fancy plants, but there are a few that will actually grow (tomatoes seem to be among them).

    Good luck!

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  12. They probably did plant it there hoping it'd die. In fact, that sounds like a pretty good scheme they've got going on.

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  13. haha I'm sorry to laugh at your plight.

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  14. I suck at growing things (except my kid.. but maybe thas questionable too.. he's still living at least!) too! I say pluck that beeeyootch out, and plant fake! ;) Or just stick a great big fake christmas tree out there! see how they like that!

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  15. yea.. i pretty much suck at growing things too.. i always reason i have plenty of other things to worry about...
    ... but good luck with the nursing back to healthy..lol

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  16. This whole thing doesn't surprise me. The military can be "funny" sometimes.

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  17. I live next to a small wooded area at the end of a dead-end street and there is a herd (nope never one)usually in 3 or more that visit my yard. Oh, I almost forgot I'm in the middle of suburbia hell. Strange I know.

    All the reasons you listed are why my daughter refuses to live on a military base. (Hugs)Indigo

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  18. There must be something you can grow... something like Kudzu or Bamboo... that once started will end up taking over the military base...

    ...rubs hands and cackles in super madman fashion...

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  19. My son and I were crying/laughing so hard at you and the tree that is stalking you! PETA will be notifying you shortly, poor antelope!

    Thanks for the best blog of the day! Love you!

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  20. How stupid. Like the general is going to enjoy little scrawny tress chewed by antelope.

    On a weird side note, I just realized I have a cousin that just moved onto the AF Base in Wyoming with her newish husband. Small world.

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  21. If they make you pay for the tree...just send the bill to the antelope!!

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  22. Geez!! That really sucks!

    Maybe plant a cactus where the tree is? They're unkillable right? Then if they question you about it, you can just say thats what the military planted.

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  23. I think they couldn't have planted a more antelope friendly plant. That's just stupid. Why not something less inviting like a cactus or holly or something.

    Good luck keeping them alive.

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  24. That tree is retarded. They couldn't plant a real tree? wtf.

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  25. That is so typical! At our last duty station, we had some big wig visiting during a deployment...and they complained that you couldn't tell we had troops deployed b/c the post wasn't decorated in yellow ribbons. SERIOUSLY!! So, we had to make signs, and decorate the entire outside of the post. And, when we moved into our duplex we had 3' high weeds in the backyard, but were told when we were leaving that grass should be present in the back yard. Some people are just retarded!

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  26. Hahaha.

    I'm all for trees and plants and vegetation, but not if they're my responsibility (it's for their own good)! That should be a personal choice, oy.

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  27. i'm with you lady...black thumb all the way! and seriously, could they pick a sadder tree? wtf?

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  28. How are you supposed to nurse something that keeps getting eaten? Isn't it nice that the military thinks of things like that.

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  29. That was funny. If it totally dies, just keep the sticks of the tree there in the ground and spray paint it green. Tell them you are "maintaining" it.

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  30. You have antelpe in your yard?! Really? Wow. We have deer so I guess I can't talk.

    As for that random lonely tree, well. Wow. That's some damn fine yard decoration.

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  31. Weeds grow real well for me. And knockout roses simply cannot be killed, at least not so far. I hate gardening, though, can't stand to be outside in the grass and dirt. Always annoyed my mom and when she moved near enough to me she made me plant some flowers...that is probably the last time I ever did. My excuse is that we don't get sun until 2 pm in the yard. Then it is burning hot. Also I hate to water plants. My dream is to have a landscaped yard and a full time gardner!!!!! (so I can look outside and enjoy it...for now I have to look at my neighbors' yards)

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  32. I need a post about the antelope in base housing! I have animals in my yard all the time, but I live in the country. An antelope in a sub-division is definately blog worthy.

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  33. They would provide you a gardener too ;)

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  34. Funny! I laughed out loud when I read your husband's response to your fear of the tree during the night. Definitely spray paint it green when it dies. That would be hilarious, and could be another blog post.

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  35. Wow - what a concept... you pay if it(when it) dies!

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  36. You have free ranging ANTELOPE??????

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  37. Now I kinda hate the military too, cause how unfair!

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  38. You have antelopes? I want antelopes! We have bunnies and coyotes and bobcats. But antelopes? Entirely different league.

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  39. That really sucks that they plant it and then charge you if you let it die. Since I don't want you to be unfairly charged - here's what you need to do.

    Cover that tree in cayenne pepper. The antelope will take one bite and you'll never see him again. Then drag your waterhose down there and let water drip (the key word here is DRIP) all night, every night for about a week or so. After that you may only have to water it every other day or so. That should do the trick.

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  40. Forcing you to take plants and tree that you dont even want... i am pretty sure that is like fascism or something. um are they using taxpayer money for those forced plants? ahem! i would be so pissed if someone forced me to tend plants i hated and never wanted. actually i am pissed anyway because i paid for them via taxes. you're welcome.

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  41. Freaking hilarious!! I will share this with brother & wife. He was a Marine & when they lived on the base I know they must have had similar encounters---but I'm not sure if any of them involved Charlie Brown Christmas trees. I am a huge environmentalist, yet sadly, I cannot keep any house plant alive. I either over water or forget about the thing and it bites the dust. I even killed a cactus. How terrible is that? Good luck with those new plants. Are they weeds?

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  42. I'd help if I lived closer. Sorry, but I can't stop laughing. No, not at you, with you of course.

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  43. Stopped by from SITs!

    Your post is so funny. Mr.General should be watering and nursing your tree back to health!

    Stop by my site if you have a chance
    www.katynikitachurchill.blogspot.com

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  44. I teach at a high school that's about 75% military families, so I've heard a lot about base housing. Yours looks pretty appealing to me! SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did...

    All in a Day's Work

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  45. Oh my word! I'd be scared to death to back over the damn thing.

    Will the military pay for a new bumper?

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  46. put netting of chicken wire around the tree to help ward off the beasts.
    um... and do what the Natives taught the pilgrims, bury fish next to it. That way when if it dies at least your yard will smell like fish and will keep the nosy military gardners off your lawn!

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  47. Antelope?? Really? Thats awesome! I guess its the same thing as deer here in the South :)

    That tree is pitiful looking. You would think the military would have planted something more appealing. Good luck with keeping it up!

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  48. Oh my gosh that's AWESOME! Totally laughed out loud reading this!

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  49. Sounds like you're getting some good advice from your followers.

    That's great that you have a tree in your front yard to scare the bejesus out of you all the while Tom is gone. That military is on the ball!

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  50. Well my yard is full of plants and grass and trees...but last year we planted more trees and I jumped everytime I went past one particular window, because I too thought I had someone standing in the front yard! Funny how a tree can be so evil...

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  51. Sorry, once it's in your yard it's yours, those are the rules. Wish I would have known that back when, I would have dropped off my teenagers.

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