Friday, September 17, 2010

The Story of Glen

“Glen! Step away from the tree! I see you standing there, Glen, and I’m not kidding, I will learn how to make antelope jerky, so help me!”

I was screaming outside my front door at an antelope, who I’ve named Glen. Glen, you see, keeps eating the tree that some commander on this base strangely decided to plant in my yard. (He didn’t do it personally, he just gave the order. I’d have been amused to see him do it personally though.) I mean, hello, commander? You do realize that this base is filled with wandering antelope who like to eat plants?

One of those antelope is Glen. Now, okay, I’m not entirely sure if it’s the same antelope that munches on the tree. They sort of all look the same. Brown fur, white asses. But I’m pretty certain it’s the same one. Why? Because unlike most antelope, when I approach, Glen slowly walks away like, “Ugh, this witch again.” Other antelope run off as though Kathy Griffin were dancing above your head or something. But Glen....well, Glen is an asshole, no question about it.

(I know any members of PETA reading this are probably horrified. I apologize. Animals are lovely creatures, really, but not when they eat stuff that I’m working hard to grow in my yard.)

Want to see my depressing tree?



And yes, I even surrounded it with fence to keep Glen out. But he pushes his ugly mouth through the holes in the fence and chows down.

That is what he was doing when I shouted at him.

“Glen! Go eat some grass. Do you hear me? EAT THE GRASS NOT THE TREE!” I was in my driveway now. One of my neighbor’s friends was getting out of her car and did a double take when she saw a barefoot woman clad in sweats and an oversized t-shirt threatening the local wildlife. Most of my neighbors get my quirkiness (they’ve witnessed me running into the side of my house in order to get my daughter to laugh many times and have heard me bellow, “Please put on your pants!” to my kids and sometimes even my husband too) but this woman clearly didn’t know what to think of me. She blinked in my direction and looked from Glen to me and back to Glen and then hurried into her friend’s house.

This is Glen by the way:





Doesn’t he just LOOK sneaky? And notice how he’s calmly wandering around. He’s probably telling his antelope friends, “There’s a great tree in this crazy woman’s yard. Let’s go eat it and piss her off!”

Glen finally walked away but not before shooting me an evil look and taking a crap in my yard.

Thanks a lot, Glen.

59 comments:

  1. Your captions made the post. They are hilarious.

    And I say get out a BB gun and shoot him.

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  2. The pictures with the arrows just cracked me all the hell up.

    I think you need to print some of these on labels and put 'em on the bumper of your car. Now that'd piss off the PETA folks right nice.

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  3. your antelopes look a lot like white tailed deer. but Glen must have relatives up here in MN as they keep eatinge everything in our garden, even the prickly things!

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  4. I love your hand written captions on the photos! Go away Glen!!

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  5. haha - we have the same issue with the deer in our yard - they eat EVERYTHING!

    Then the chipmunks and the squirrels dig up our bulbs that we plant so they never bloom in the spring...they're cute but OMG I want to strangle them!

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  6. Hahaha, love the captions with the pictures. It stinks that you have to take care of the foliage when you didn't want them to begin with. And do you have to pick up after Glen's poop? Because that's just gross.

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  7. I've taking a few days to read your blog and I find myself laughing through your posts... You are so funny and I totally would never think you were crazy if I lived down the street from you... I might just go ahead and join you scaring off the antelopes...

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  8. I've always thought people / animals named Glen shared a sneakiness trait. Go get him, girl.

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  9. I know you've said before that you had this wildlife, b ut I didn't realize they came this close to your house at all hours? Really? Is there a hunting season?

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  10. Hahaha... that's too funny. Maybe you need a bigger cage for the tree. Or an electric fence around it.

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  11. We have a deer-herding cat. No. Seriously. He chases the deer from my yard before they wreak much havoc. Why they're scared of him, I don't know. But there you go. Simple solution. Get a cat.

    ♥Spot

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  12. My husband probably would've shot it with an air soft gun. Because he's manly like that.

    Glen sucks.

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  13. I probably would have given up on the tree. Now I would have been calling them deers!

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  14. omg, do you live by me? I can't believe you named the damn thing. I'm sending this link to my husband as he and the deer by our house are eating our trees.

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  15. Hilarious! I suggest water balloonw. Just start pelting him with water balloons the next time he starts to eat your tree. HA!

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  16. :) I had a good chuckle at this...

    ...sorry. :)

    Glen and his kind were there long before the base and its commander... they got "there first" rights.

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  17. 1. Use wire with smaller meshes. That's the easy part.

    2. Find a plant that antelopes don't like. (Sorry, can't help you with that, not too many antelopes in Germany.) Plant plenty of them around the tree.

    3. If that doesn't stop Glen, consider using electroshock wire to keep him at bay. (It not so much hurts as scares them. Trust me. We had plenty of that fence stuff when I was a kid. Doesn't hurt at all.) - Oh, check with your locals if that'S allowed first. (^v^)

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  18. Hysterical photo captions! Is that really an antelope?! The only thing we get in our yard are stray cats and rabbits. I kind of wish we had antelope, but I'm sure I'd feel differently if they were eating my yard pretties.

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  19. it just totally blows my mind, like i've said before.. that they just wander here and there on the base!

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  20. Home, home on the range... where the deer and the antelope play...

    I always thought antelopes were African animals, but I guess we have them here, too.

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  21. haha It's funny how you know exactly which one is Glenn.

    B ecareful. I don't trust animals much. They may be plotting something with his friend.

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  22. Maybe he was fertilizing the half eaten tree for ya!

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  23. This is kind of like that song, "Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelopes play". I find it pretty charming that you have critters like that in your yard. Let Glenn eat the tree. You didn't want it in the first place, Amber. Come on now!

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  24. I know you're annoyed at Glen, but how cool that you have antelope! I get excited when I see a bunny rabbit! The other yucky wildlife we deal with our coyotes (which love to kill the bunnies around us) and skunks (they always seem to spray our area, probably at the coyotes).

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  25. What would happen if you just let Glen eat the tree?

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  26. I loved your captions! I'd be annoyed too with Glen!

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  27. How on earth did you come up with 'Glen' for an antelope?

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  28. How on earth did you come up with 'Glen' for an antelope?

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  29. I was just thinking about antelope stew . . . just sayin'
    Especially since the base expects you to take care of that tree.

    Other option is just to, one night, dig the tree up and cover the spot with grass, and if someone asks say 'what tree?'

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  30. I'm sayin'! Critters and landscape just do not blend well together. I love that you named him. I do the same 'round the Ponderosa. Have you tries Irish Spring soap. Slice it in several pieces and tie in on the branches, the smell should detour Mr. Glen.

    God bless and have an incredible weekend!!!

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  31. I and my whole family are laughing hysterically at your tale of Glen and his antics.

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  32. dog crap is bad enough but antelope...yuck.

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  33. Clarice, the white tail deer, comes and eats the birdseed out of our birdfeeder. You gotta love wildlife.

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  34. Glen sounds like a real pain in the ass. Loved your story, though!

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  35. if the base gives you shit for letting your tree die, just show him the pictures of Glen eating it. And be sure to tell them you would be only to happy to see a stakeout set up to catch Glen in the act ;)

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  36. This is hilarious! Great pics too!

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  37. Nature belongs in nature!

    Go back to nature, Glen!

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  38. We have deer and wild turkeys eating our plants. I thought that was bad...but antelopes! I guess we all live on animal planet.I signed up to follow you. Stop by my place and join the party. No antelopes allowed.

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  39. Love the captions! I'm surprised Glen gets ANY nourishment from that tree - it looks like it doesn't have much to offer - I know - thanks to THEM!

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  40. So, when is antelope season? Is there an antelope season? If not, just put some poison on the tree. F Glen!

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  41. Glen the asshole antelope? Amazing. Another hilarious post!

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  42. BTW I thought antelope lived in Africa. Does that make me dumb?

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  43. A very very hilarious post...:)

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  44. "Glen is an asshole, no question about it"

    Ha! I freakin' love it!

    Got BB guns? :)

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  45. you are so witty and a great writer... thanks for making me laugh at 5:45 am!

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  46. I can't believe they're wandering around in broad daylight. Our deer at least wait until dusk to chow down on all my neighbor's trees.

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  47. It seems so exotic to me that you have animals to hate that are not the PA white tailed deer. All we have is Bambi and more Bambi. Maybe a few Faline's. Ugh. I'm sure it wouldn't take me long to become anti-antelope, but these photos are at least more interesting than what I see in my yard.

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  48. I'm sorry to be laughing at your expense, but it is so funny! I remember when you first posted about those darn trees! Thanks for the laugh!

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  49. I think Glen has been to my Dad's house a few times, they can't keep buds on anything out there! We actually had a deer come into the city this summer ... no idea how it go this far!

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  50. Hahahaha! Oh my gosh,too funny.

    Glad to know I'm not the only one who provides entertainment for the neighbors. I, too, have chased my children begging them to put on pants. I've also run out of my house screaming "SNAKE!" I had a few male neighbors laugh their rears off before offering help. And then there was the time I chased the cat around the house to either drop the mouse or kill it, It's squeaking was so pitiful.

    But, Glen takes the cake, one of these days he's going to charge you just to have complete access to the tree.

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  51. Funny. I always come to your blog for a good laugh!!....except the day you made me cry. ha ha

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  52. OMG! You are hysterical!
    It;s my first time visiting your blog and I love it!!
    I'm now a "Follower". :)
    Thanks for sharing,
    gabriele

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  53. perhaps you need to attach some 'lectricity to that fence.

    "Hey glen! over here! got some nice new JUICY leaves for ya!"

    just sayin...

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  54. perhaps you need to attach some 'lectricity to that fence.

    "Hey glen! over here! got some nice new JUICY leaves for ya!"

    just sayin...

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  55. HEHEHE Glen sure is smart! And thank you so much for your support!

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  56. I wish you could to go animal control and get antelope cages :o)

    You can try sprinkling ground pepper, or pepper flakes on/around the tree (if you haven't already)...I've heard that works for everything.

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  57. I was reading the Headache List, which was funny enough when I hit the part about Tommy's underwear, but then I clicked the link to Glen. I think I'd kinda like you as my neighbor. We'd get along just fine. Seeing as how my dog has an ongoing problem with an imaginary monster in the bushes. And I humor her by talking to the monster out loud. At least Glen is real. LOL.

    Ally

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