Mary Kay Makeover

Guess which one is a lie.

I’ve been known to have Little Debbie snacks for breakfast

I’m a makeup expert

I hate word verification with a passion

I cry during The Neverending Story. The poor horse!


If you guessed that the makeup expert one was a lie, you are correct.

I went to a Mary Kay party over the weekend. I’m not really a huge fan of those parties where people try to sell me stuff and try to get me to become a consultant. That’s never going to happen. It’s just not for me. I can’t get excited over mascara. I just can’t.

I went because my friend Amanda needed more people. And because her husband offered to watch my kids. Look, I’ll sit through anything if it means I get kid free time. I’ll even sit in a math class, and I detest math. I’d probably be sitting there with a wide smile on my face and would nudge my neighbor while saying, “Isn’t this great?” She’d answer, “Is what great? Math? No, it’s shit,” and I’d say, “No. Being in a room without children!” And then she’d scoot far away from me.

Still. I don’t get a lot of kid free time since Tom has been gone. He’s been gone for seven months so I’m desperate for it. Yes, I do get a couple hours in the morning alone since Tommy is in school and Natalie is in preschool…but it seems like the time is over before I know it.

Anyway, the Mary Kay party was…interesting. I had to fill out a paper about my skin and my face shape. I was asked what I used to moisturize and honestly, sometimes I forget to put cream on my face at night. This means my skin is going to look leathery and droopy when I’m older but some nights I can’t be bothered. I had no clue what my face shape was. I was tempted to write, “Face-like?” but wasn’t sure if the host of the party would get my humor. Probably not. (And I was also asked to explain my lip shape. I wanted to write, “Not like Angelina Jolie’s, unfortunately.)

We were told to try the samples she had put out in front of us. And they were nice, yes, but I found them overpriced. At one point I was asked to put on eyeliner and mascara and here’s the thing: I had a bad experience with those items. I almost poked my eye out with the mascara and I haven’t used it since. Same with the eyeliner. I felt like my eyeballs were more important than looking good.

So I explained this to the hostess, and she kept trying to explain it to me and I kept looking at her as though she just farted.

“You hold the mirror DOWN when you are doing your top lashes,” she instructed slowly because she could see she was dealing with a Person Who Knew NOTHING About Makeup.

My eyes kept having flashbacks on nearly being poked out so I couldn’t do it right. I ended up looking like a drunken raccoon even though the hostess was like, “You look great!”

Man, I need to get rich so I can afford a makeup artist.

We had to play a few games, which I hate. I pulled some Matchbox cars from a box and was asked what they symbolized about Mary Kay.

The only thing that came to mind was the fact that they hurt like a bitch when stepped on barefoot. But that wasn’t what the hostess wanted to hear. I said something like, “It means you don’t have to drive all over?” and she launched into the real meaning which was that you could get a Mary Kay car if you sold enough.

A car is nice, but still, no thanks. I don’t want to sell stuff.

I did buy some blush, because I liked how it looked on my cheeks. The hostess helped me put it on so I bet now when I try to do it myself, I’ll look like a clown.

I really need to get a makeup artist.

Help.