Wednesday, December 18, 2013

All I Want For Christmas Is...To Pee In Peace

*Knock knock*

"Mommy? This banana tastes funny! Can I have a cookie instead?"

*Knock Knock*

"Mom? Is the WiFi down? My game just stopped working."

*Knock Knock*

"Amber? What's for dinner? Did you remember to get me more M&Ms?"

It seems the second my ass hits the toilet, I'm asked a question by someone in this house. It's like a silent alarm goes off. "Mom is about to go to the bathroom...I need the answer to my inquiry NOW." I thought since my kids got older (they are 6 and 11) that I'd get privacy. Finally! After years of one of them, or both, accompanying me to the toilet, I could enjoy some peace.


Since they are older, they no longer watch me do the deed because ew, gross, mom has a vagina--but they do pound on the door, interrupting my quiet. Sometimes it's because a beloved toy is missing: "Mommy! I can't find Pinkie Pie! She's scared and lost! I need help!" (What the HELL am I supposed to do about it mid-pee? I ask you, WHAT?)

Sometimes it's because an electronic isn't working.

"Mom? My iPod won't turn on. I'm taking deep breaths like you told me so I don't meltdown but I'm very close to it.." (And then seconds later the iPod is slid through the crack under the door. Um. Can't a chick poo in peace? I even dubbed a term for it when my kids were younger: a PIP. (Poop/Pee in peace.))

My husband joins in. He'll knock on the door and go, "What are you doing in there?"

"Oh, I don't know, Tom. The door is shut, why don't you take a guess?" I'll respond. I mean, really. Duh. And I'm quick in the bathroom too. Unlike Tom, who will spend up to twenty minutes perched on his throne. Maybe I should pound on the door and go, "What are you doing in there?"


If I ever come across Santa and he's like, "What do you want for Christmas?" I'll say without hesitation, "A PIP."


I'm featured today at Melissa's blog. Check it out here!


  1. OH MY GOD, YES!!! To every single part of this post??!! My children would NEVER consider bothering my hubby in the bathroom, and like yours he is in there FOREVER. But, I am totally fair game!! Love this post!-Ashley

  2. HaHa! I wish I could tell you that it changes when they get older, but my son is 14, and it's constantly....Mom? MOM!!! WHERE ARE YOU! Ah, well, keeps things interesting! Merry Christmas, and thanks so much for visiting my S'mores Brownies post!

  3. Same thing in my house! So annoying! My husband can sit in the bathroom for a half hour and the kids leave him alone. I try to sneak away for two minutes without success.

  4. This is what makes you more mature than I am. If this happened to me, I WOULD pound on the door when my husband was in there. A lot.
    And then when it's Scarlet, I'd burst in and say, "Scarlet, I can't find my car keys! They're cold and alone and they miss me."
    You're a better person...
    Hope Santa gives you your wish!

  5. HaHa - this post made me laugh because I remember those days! And then Tamara's comment cracked me up because I'm like her - I entertain myself like that!!!

  6. LOL!!! I just gave up and left the door open so then the older ones walk by and are like - "Mom I...EEWWW!!" well, then leave me the hell alone!! Yeah, that worked...and why is it that guys take so long? I'm in an out like a flash!! No time to sit and read, I have shit to do!! (Pun totally intended)

  7. Ahahaha, yeah it was worse when my kids were young. Your PIP will come.

  8. "Mom has a vagina."

    Priceless. Simply priceless.

    I was howling!

    My girl is a little older so now I do it to her. She's 15.

    Knock, knock: Do you have practice tonight?

    Knock, knock: You about ready to eat?

    Knock, knock: Don't forget to feed the dog when you're done.

    ....and it goes on and on and on. Try it. It's a cheap form of entertainment for me.

  9. lol, oh boy I do remember those days!!! Occasionally I still get them - a random drop by questioner. I guess with three kids and a husband who can never find anything, it's inevitable.

  10. OMG! I'm SO with you!

  11. One of the kids that I mind once wanted I don't know what while I was in the toilet. The door was locked and the rascal managed to unlock it from outside! He's 6! I had a talk about privacy with him, but since that day I haven't had a decent PIP anymore!

  12. What IS that all about?? My kids could be ignoring me for HOURS and then BAM! The second I go to the bathroom, answer the phone or sneak down to my closet to shove a cookie down my throat you would think the world is ending! The minute I am sitting down to enjoy a hot meal comes a very close fourth too. Motherhood is just awesome sometimes.


  13. Hilarious. And so true. I would add my dogs to the list of beings that need me once I get into the bathroom. Why?! I don't bother them while they are in there for 30 minutes at a time!

  14. I gave up trying to go alone a long time ago and now am so used to it I'll probably go crazy when my kids grow up and leave home.

  15. "mom has a vagina"
    BAAAH!! coffee spillage, right there on that one.
    And it's true...I thought with at least 2 of mine being over the age of 5, the time for privacy was at long last on my side.
    Nope. I swear it might even be worse. My 9 year son isn't even embarrassed yet - he'll walk right in "just brushing my teeth mom"
    Well geez, how can you give him trouble then?
    I have resorted to locking the door, but unfortunately my 4 year old used to watch Bear Grylls show Man Vs Wild with me and retrieves a knife from the drawer to pick the lock.
    I am guessing she will be my best chance in case of the Zombie Apocalypse too.

  16. I was thinking recently that I have as much bathroom privacy as the women do on "Orange is the New Black." (At least the ones who choose to go in the stalls without doors. If I don't lock the door, the kids WILL come in. They don't care what I'm making or what body parts I have. Then they ask for privacy when it's their turn. Classic!


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