Ah, the yearly exam. The Pap Smear. I dread it. But I do it, because I know it's important that I'm checked for cervical cancer. I don't even have to do it yearly anymore. Since I'm over 30, I can go every 3 years. Still. When it's time to get it done, I'm not pleased even though it doesn't even hurt. It's just uncomfortable. Awkward. There are several thoughts that run through my head as I'm going through a Pap Smear.
1. I must hide my underwear! This makes no sense because the doctor is going to see my junk so who cares if she sees my underwear? But I have to make sure they are balled between my jeans and shirt.
2. I need to hurry and undress! What if the doctor walks in and sees my pale ass waving in the air? Yes, I undress as fast as I can which again, is silly. The doctor is going to see me naked anyway. Plus, she always knocks before entering. But suppose she doesn't and walks in and I'm bending over...
3. Please don't fart, please don't fart. I mean. When the speculum is in, there's pressure. So.
4. I can't just "let my legs fall open." The doctor always says this. "Let your legs fall open." It's hard. All my instincts are telling me NOT to let the giant swab in.
5. I hope the doctor can tell I showered before coming in AND used the body scrub. Yes, I always bathe before a yearly exam. I make sure I smell like fruit.
6. She told me I have a nice cervix! Go me! I'd probably cry if she said my cervix sucked.
7. Oh crap. I forgot to shave. Should I have painted my nails? Not that the doctor is even looking at my legs OR nails...
8. Is it over? Yay, it's over! And then I put my clothes back on at lightening speed in case the doctor forgot something and returns.
9. Phew. Results are normal. After I get the results in the mail, I always breathe a sigh of relief.
Look, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world to do. But it's important. So if you're female, be sure to have it done. If you're a dude reading this, sorry. But I hope you go to your prostate exam.
Do you have any odd thoughts running through your head when you're on the exam table?
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BAHAHA I make sure I smell like fruit!! This is too funny but so true! But only in the US do they make you go for a yearly pap... Everywhere else is 3 years unless you've had an abnormal result. I'll carry on living abroad! ;)
ReplyDeleteI get giddy and have to talk about something. A dead silent room while the doc is poking around just feels weird. But then i feel like i talk too much because really what does one talk about when having a pap done, lol.
ReplyDeleteLol my doctor(of 25+ years) likes to chat during. How do you respond to "Well everything looks pink and healthy down here". Ummmm Thanks?
ReplyDeletelol! I've had all of those thoughts, too! Even though I've worked as a nurse in women's health for year, I still feel extremely awkward when I am the patient getting a PAP. Thanks for sharing this so I know I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteHahaha I had the same thought. I had a hysterectomy at 31 so now I don't need a pap, but when I had to have them, I thought the same things.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Sista!
ReplyDeleteI just posted about my gyno WHO DOESN'T LEAVE THE ROOM WHEN I GET DRESSED. I had to get confirmation that it was indeed weird!
Oh my gosh, how terribly awkward!!
Deleteha, same! I totally hide my underwear and hurry to get in the gown!
ReplyDeleteAnd they told me I had a nice cervix too! Ripe, they said. The heck?
Haha yes!!! I always hide my underwear!
ReplyDeleteOmg I had a vaginal ultrasound. HORRIBLE. I cannot stand any of that nonsense and dread the doctors office anyway. But an ultrasound really? Just yuck. And it was done on the base so you know how freaking cut and dry they are in there. Shove it in, poke around and tell you ok out you go. Reallllllll personal treatment. LOL.
ReplyDeleteYes! Those are the worst! But after having kids I've been not as concerned and awkward about it. Haha.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on not farting and letting legs fall open.
ReplyDeleteHaha I wasn't sure what I was about to read but this was hillarious and so relatable. Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the nice comment!
DeleteYep. I avoid it if I can! By just getting pregnant over and over... hahahaha
ReplyDeleteYep, I hide my underwear every time.. and always forget to shave... but hey he's seen more of me than any man so.......
ReplyDeleteHaha!
DeleteHaha! Oh my gosh! I have many of these thoughts too. I think this post reminded me that it's time to schedule an appointment. Oh joy!
ReplyDeleteLove this! I've had so many of these same thoughts! I always fold my panties and bra between my clothing. And I always get nervous. It's so crazy the thoughts we have.
ReplyDeleteI've been through this so many times, It stopped bothered me. But I can understand that it feels uncomfortable, but your absolutely right, I'ts so important!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely HATE having a PAP test, but of course they are so important to do and yes I probably think all these things as well.
ReplyDeleteHaha this was a funny one for sure. I think most of us have had many of those thoughts too. I especially love the "oh no i forgot to shave" haha. We've all been there.
ReplyDeleteThey alway tell me to just relax. Yep that isn't happening. Been there and thought all of those things. Necessary but not my fun top ten things to do.
ReplyDeleteI am pretty sure you just read my mind! It totally cracks me up to know that I am not the only one that thinks all of these things. Everything you do here's exactly what I do. At least we know we're not alone.
ReplyDeleteHahaha...these are all things I've thought of! Funny thing is, they see so many crotches on a daily they aren't even thinking about mine!
ReplyDeleteI hate getting tested/examined as well but it gives me peace of mind in the end. I have the same thoughts as you whenever I have check-ups for something! Lol.
ReplyDeleteI’m laughing so hard at this post. I’m not sure why I put the gown on so fast like they don’t knock before they enter.
ReplyDeleteThis is spot on! I don't know why I always hide my underwear under my clothes, either! And I always fold them!
ReplyDeleteYep, pretty spot on. I'm sure most of us think the same things during that awful exam.
ReplyDeleteI pretty much think the same way and I carefully fold and stash my undies to be hidden. I just can't leave them hanging around to be seen. LOL
ReplyDeletehahaha this is great. Now I know I'm not the only one! Lol
ReplyDeletexo, Sondra
Cuisineandtravel.com
I am overdue for one.. it's one of those things I dread!
ReplyDeleteI had the same thought. I had a hysterectomy at 35 so now I don't need a pap, but when they told me I needed one, I thought they were crazy!
ReplyDeleteGirl you crack me up. I don't usually have too much going on in my head when I get one of these.
ReplyDeleteOkay this was so funny! I truly have had all the same
ReplyDeleteThoughts. I also always have the moment of panic on if I pushed the button telling them to come in or not 🤦🏽♂️
This is soo funny! I hide my panties in my purse!! Haaa
ReplyDeleteMy doctor has pictures above the table, which makes me laugh. And yep, I hide my underwear too, lol!!
ReplyDeleteHaha this is so true! I think about all of these too lol
ReplyDeletePerrine
www.ola-banana.com
I will be totally honest, I don't look forward to this annual exam. THis was soo funny. You totally made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your thoughts. First one is the farting scenario. haha, yes! I imagined myself what if I fart while the doctor is checking on my vagina.
ReplyDeleteSo true...everything. Those are the things i think about too.
ReplyDeleteOh my word girl, you had me giggling. The farting comment is in the fron of all of our minds I would say. Lol!
ReplyDeleteLol. I have definitely had some of these kinds of thoughts. A pap smear is such an uncomfortable procedure
ReplyDeleteHow difficult is number 4? I always feel like my legs are made of lead when I go for a smear, I'm so nervous! There's no way they're just 'falling open' :D
ReplyDeleteLouise x
Were same when I had a pap-smear last year. That is such an uncomfortable feeling I have ever had. and I totally agree with the fart part. LOL!!
ReplyDeleteFunny thoughts! Especially the one about your nails.
ReplyDelete