Sunday, January 7, 2018

Why To Siri With Love Should NOT Be Banned

A friend of mine suggested that I read To Siri With Love by Judith Newman. I have a son with autism and so does the author. Her book was written because she wrote a post for the New York Times about how her son connects with Siri, it went viral, and people wanted to learn more about her life. I guess there was controversy with the book because in it she said she was going to get a power of attorney for her son and get him a vasectomy.



I won't lie, when I heard this, my blood boiled. I immediately thought, "Who does this woman think she is making that kind of decision for her kid?" complete with snapping fingers like I was a guest on Maury.

It was the same anger other people felt, the same ones that were telling everyone to ban the book. Heck, even when I tweeted the author saying that I was reading her book, I got someone tweeting in reply, telling me I should NOT be reading the book at all. He said, and I quote, "Amber, did you know that the author mocks the potential sex life of her son? That she wants to have a power of attorney to sterilize him?"

Look, I get it. I was upset when I initially heard this too.

But then I read the book and I understood.



I can't tell how extreme her son's autism is. It seems he's near the same as my own son. They both can speak. Some people with autism can't. But they struggle with social interactions. And I won't lie, I wonder if my son Tommy will ever be able to live on his own because of those struggles.

Of course, of course I hope he can. But he doesn't like when people are upset with him. He shuts down when this happens. Suppose he has a job and his boss chastises him and he completely loses it? What if something breaks in his house and he panics and fire begins to shoot out of the oven? Would he know what to do? Or would he sink like jelly to the ground, cover his ears, and just scream and scream?

I worry like the author worries.



If I wrote a book like this, I imagine people would be enraged with me. For example, I ponder if I'm going to always have to drive my son around because I'm not sure if he'll ever drive. I selfishly wonder if I'm going to be the one to do that for the rest of my life and I'm sure some are thinking, "Well, DUH, he's your son, of course you'll do it." And I will. But what happens when I get older and can no longer drive? These sort of thoughts can keep me up at night. Those and "what happens after high school?" He has two years left. Then what? He says he'll go to college, but what if he melts down in the quad and people laugh and point? Maybe he'll take online classes, but suppose he gets distracted and doesn't complete his assignments?

I don't care if he lives with us. He can stay as long as he wants. But again, what happens when he gets older? Then what, then what, then what....

Mrs. Newman wrote this in her book: "Autism is characterized by developmental delays, but "delay" does not mean "never." It means delay." 



And it's true. Autism does not mean never. For example, Tommy did not really start to speak until he was three. He had constant meltdowns in Kindergarten. But he improved when the school figured out ways to help him. During a school concert, he sang a song with his class, and at the very end, all the kids had to go "Woof" (because it was a song about some dog.) The class went "woof." And two seconds later, my son went "woof", his tiny voice ringing out when everyone else was finished.

Not never. Just delayed.

Maybe he will be able to get his own place. Maybe he will be able to drive. But maybe he won't. The world of autism is a giant unknown. Sometimes you're pleasantly surprised. Other times you're left heartbroken.

Would I get Tommy a vasectomy? No. But I understand why the author said that. Suppose her son doesn't fully understand protection if he gets a girlfriend and she winds up pregnant? Would he be able to handle the responsibilities? It shouldn't be on the mother to deal with a baby. I've taught Tommy about protection and I think he understands. He even says now, "I hate babies," because he can't take it when they cry. When his sister was born, he'd clamp his hands over his ears and run to his room whenever she started to whimper. He also says that babies "are too sticky." Also, he says, "I don't want to get a STD. I'll tell my girlfriend that I have to wear a condom because I don't want a STD." I'm not fully sure the girlfriend will appreciate this. ("What, do you think I HAVE a STD?" she might screech. Tommy would calmly say, "Maybe. I don't know where you've been.")



Guess what though? The author has since stated that she's changed her mind. That she wouldn't get her son a vasectomy because he's matured since the book was written. Some might argue that she's only saying it because of the outcry. Maybe. But I tend to believe her. Unless you have a child with special needs, you will never understand. You might think you do, but you don't.

It wasn't just the vasectomy thing that enraged people though. The author was very honest with stories about her son. She wrote that she doesn't know if anyone could ever find her son interesting. Some thought she took it too far. I disagree. She's being honest. I do the same with this blog. Granted, I do get permission from my son with what I share, and she might have done the same. Maybe her son is like mine: he WANTS people to understand those with autism, so he WANTS me to be blunt about what life is like with someone who has it.

We always say that we want people to treat those with special needs with kindness. So maybe the people who are so upset with the author need to remember this. You don't get to be cruel just because you don't agree with something. This is another mother of a child with special needs, and she's doing the best she can. You can tell she loves her son fiercely. How about instead of the outcry and angry messages, you give her a break? You tell her that if she needs to talk, that you're there to listen.



Remember. Every parent, even if they don't have a child with special needs, is truly doing the best they can. Maybe others fall short, but I like to believe that everyone wants the best for their kids. So stop with anger. Stop with the outcry.




And give To Siri With Love a chance.


39 comments:

  1. You're right! Unless we've walked a mile in her shoes, we don't understand and everyone is entitled to their opinion. I like what the author said about delay does not mean never. It means delay.

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  2. It's funny how people always think they know better even when they know little or nothing about a situation. Experts are everywhere, and so many of them don't know much.

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  3. You are very correct, who are we to judge if we haven't gone through what she has plus she knows her child and will do everything she can to take care of him so we should not just jump right into attack mode but try and be in her shoes and get to understand.

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  4. I have not heard of this story / book but I appreciate your take on it!

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    1. It really is interesting to hear a parents view on it, I hadn't heard of the book before either.

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  5. Very inspiring book I admire all the mom out there who embrace their motherhood despite of struggles. Beautifully written and can bring awareness to some.

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  6. I agree with you when it comes to parenting most of us are just trying to do our best. There's no one style fits all when it comes to parenting. I hate this mom is being subject to such scrutiny for doing what she thinks is best for her kid.

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  7. I haven't read the book and have not had a child with any special needs. I haven't walked in her shoes so why would I judge. Being a mom is hard enough without other people judging.

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  8. I have a friend whose daughter is autistic. I've seen behind closed doors, I've had a small glimpse of what it's like to be a mother of a child that is autistic. I think that we jump to conclusions and judge others when we have no idea what the person is going through. Loved this!!

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  9. Denise is autistic and I think the more you read the more informed you can be and if anything be more patient around people like this.

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  10. Wow. I had no idea! This sounds like an awesome book to see things from someone else's perspective. I plan on checking it out.

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  11. Such a good perspective. Especially because you can understand thoughts and fears you've had, and the whole delay vs. never. The "woof" story keeps making me smile. Des is like that with some ways. So am I. Late bloomers, here. And Tommy is open about his life and goes on YouTube and you're right - maybe her son is like that too. Scarlet is old enough to understand about my job and I do get permission.

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  12. I had never though of this aspect of life regarding autism. Also I think people always tend to judge and jump to conclusion about situations that usually know very little.

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  13. It always amazes me when I hear of parents who are strong and continue to take on the day. I admire your strength and how much you've been able to help your son. It's inspiring.

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  14. I have to admit I haven't heard of this book and I can't even start to imagine what it is like to walk in the shoes of any parent.
    She perhaps has learned from others and changed, sometimes the what if's can run riot in our mind.

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  15. Parents such as yourself are so brave and strong for being so open in talking about their experiences like this. I know many people who are quick to judge but it's important to understand the story that goes behind it.

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  16. It's amazing to see how quick some people are to judge. I always believe in "walking in someone else's shoes." I had never heard of this book but this may be worth checking out for me!

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  17. I haven't read the book, but now I'm intrigued. It sounds like it offers a lot of things to think about.

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  18. I don't have children with Austisim but I'm really curious about this book. I hadn't heard about it but I love controversial things.

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  19. I would say that 90% of those who were enraged with the book probably didn't even read it or have no experience with dealing with special needs kids. My foster sister has Williams Syndrome and autism. At the age of 7 she has limited speech, has only just toilet trained, has to use a wheelchair when she goes outside because she has no concept of cars and would just run into the road and if she sees or hear something that she does not like it will sound like she is in pain because she will put her hands over her ears and start screaming. She will most likely never be able to live on her own and has a shorter life expectancy than your average person, she also goes to a specialist school. I might not agree with this persons decision to give their son a vasectomy but I do understand and not everyone does.

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  20. I haven't read To Siri With Love, and I somehow missed the outcry about it. I'll have to look into the book more.

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  21. What an interesting book. Im wondering if I will add it to my wish list or not. I can't pretend to know or understand but I think mom's do what they think is right. Most of us want what's best and it's not always the right decision for others. Those people that said she was wrong I wonder if they are in similar situations or can relate at all.

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  22. I am definitely intrigued by this book and I appreciate your perspective on it.

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  23. I don't know what I would say or do. I admit I don't completely understand autism but know no one, or a mother can say what they would do. Do you do what you feel right for your child? Always. Autism or not.

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  24. Your son is adorable!! I've never heard about this book, but I appreciate your review.

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  25. Awwhh.. This is such a heart-warming post. I really like your perspective here. The book seems to be interesting, however, there is a bunch who would want it banned anyway. What you said is right - every parent does the best for their child. Cheers!!

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  26. Such beautiful pictures! I had not hear about the book but your review made me want to read it, thanks for sharing with us.

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  27. I haven't read this book. It seems really interesting. I have to rush to the bookstore and buy one!

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  28. It is really sad that people jump to conclusions and pass judgement without going to the crux of the issue. I can really empathize with the author of the book and what prompted her to write what she did.

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  29. This is a true testament that we should never judge anyone unless we know the full truth and that we experience the same that they are going through.

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  30. This book seems really good. Your thoughts really got me thinking on these issues!

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  31. Very well said. I don't know what I would do in the author's situation, and I'm grateful that I don't have to make that decision. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job with your son. I hope you have a good support system for when times are tough. It takes a very special mom to raise a very special son. Good job, mom!

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  32. What a powerful and thought provoking read. I haven't walked in her shoes, therefore I will never understand her struggles. It is clear that she loves her child and that is important.

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  33. You have that full of emotion for this book review, and i think it shouldn't be banned. We have different views, and this book might be a good guide for others. It seems an interesting read.

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  34. I have a distant friend who has two sons with autism. I don't really know what it's like though.

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  35. I have a first cousin who suffered brain damage because of birth trauma. He has no speech and has the cognitive ability of an 8 month old baby. My aunt sacrificed a lot and most of her life has been all about caring for her son (who is now 49 years old). Of course there are "what ifs" but they live from day to day, enjoying the moments together and they are happy. They just shut their ears to others to suggest to have my cousin stay in an "institution."

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  36. Sorry I am not agreement with the author spaying her son like a dog with a vascetomy. Thats outrageous. I can say this because I have a 30 yr old autistic brother, still lives at home with my mom, he talks, going to a special school for adults to continue learning life skills, but my mom will NEVER do such a thing. Never. What if my brother does find a 'wife" and wants to have kids one day? My brother as of currently is still very much a virgin and doesnt even think about sex. It is not a cool decision for that author to make. Life is going to happen and the what ifs, yeah there are many for all of us but that procedure is wrong for her to make that decision. I couldnt imagine my mom even doing that to my brother ever.

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  37. I don't think any books should be banned. Censorship is bogus, and just because someone disagrees with the author's words doesn't mean they can step in and say people shouldn't or couldn't read it. This is such a hard topic, and no one really knows what she (or you) goes through before they go through it themselves. I don't know that I would consider a vasectomy for a child of mine in this situation, but also a vasectomy is reversible. It's not the end of the world if he changes his mind someday too...

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  38. I can see why people were outraged. I've never read it but banning a book seems a bit extreme.

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