Things I Won't Be Doing On Superbowl Sunday

Who is watching the Super Bowl this weekend?

I'm not.

Well, my husband will probably switch it over once in awhile to check on the commercials and to see the half show in case a boob is flashed again. (I don't even know who is doing the half time show. Hmm.)

We aren't really football people. My husband generally roots for the Cleveland Browns and they do well like 20% of the time (and that's being generous) so I'm not subjected to the boring sport often. This also might be due to the fact that if my husband decides to check out the game that I say ridiculous things like, "What's a line backer do? When they bend over like that before going, "hut, hut, hut", what happens if they fart?"

Here are things I won't be doing on Sunday:

Cooking.

Sundays are the day of rest. If Tom wants something, he's welcome to make it. I'm always in awe of the women who are like, "My husband wanted to throw a Superbowl party so I need to make a list on what I'm going to make!" My face is all:

This is because its always on the tip of my tongue to go, "Why do you have to cook if your husband wants to throw the party?" Then I remember, oh, right, some people LIKE to cook. So keep quiet, Amber.


Shouting.

It drives me insane when people shout for no reason. So an overpaid padded player drops the ball? Big deal. I was more upset when the show Friends made us wait to find out what would happen after Ross said the name Rachel at his wedding to Emily. That's something to shout about. We had to wait like THREE MONTHS to witness the aftermath of that debacle. You don't shout over a fumble. You shout over cliffhangers and when things like this happen:

Rooting For A Certain Team


I generally pick who I want to win based on the uniform color. The Seahawks have better colors. Remember when Starter Jackets were all the rage? I had a Dallas one. Not because I liked the team but because I liked the colors. So people would be like, "How about those cowboys?" and I'd go,

Then I'd realize, "oh RIGHT, I'm wearing a team jacket, sort of."


Go Online And Bash Moves That Players Make

I'm always in awe on how passionate some people get online. This one chick was all, "If you say a bad word about *insert football player here* I am UNFRIENDING you." Over FOOTBALL! I was tempted to bash said football player just to see if she was telling the truth. I didn't. But it took all my willpower not to comment, "You know it's a GAME, right? *Insert football player here* doesn't even know you exist."


Run Through The Streets After The Game

I'm on base housing. If we tried to do this, the base police would be called. I'd be tempted to run through the streets because FOOTBALL IS OVER, YAY! No more horrible games interrupting my shows! So maybe I WOULD run through the streets. But wait. I can't. Base police. Maybe I'll make a sign that says, "IT'S OVER!" and place it in my yard. But then people might think I was talking about my marriage or something and base police would knock on the door, making sure we weren't having domestic issues (my husband has gone to many a domestic issue. People on base are pretty crazy sometimes.)

------

So if you're watching the game, have fun! Just know that I'll be on the couch reading.

Or playing Barbies with my daughter.

Or going out and buying a big bucket of chicken because people's Instagram pictures of their Superbowl foods will undoubtably make me hungry.

Go Seahawks, but only because I like their uniform more!

Gimme Shelter Tickets Winner!

I did a giveaway for a pair of tickets to see Gimme Shelter here.


I used random.org to pick a winner and it chose...



....number 2, which is Cyndy @ Back In The Bush!



Congrats!


If you didn't win, I will have other giveaways in the future.

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: People Doing Yoga On An Airplane

Okay, I admit it.

I've never seen anyone do yoga moves on an airplane in person.

I have, however, seen a photo of someone doing it.

Source

The other passengers are like, "Da crap kind of aircraft are we on?"

The lady in white on the left looks really appalled. I think it's because her leg is being touched. Or close to being touched. Look, when I'm on an airplane, I really do not want to be touched. Especially by someone bendy.

The lone man doesn't even look pleased by the firm butt. He's probably like, "I asked for a beer, not this."

Nobody looks enthralled. Maybe it's because this is Hilaria Baldwin. She's married to the dude who was in Beetlejuice. The dude who likes to shout. He and Richard Sherman could be best buddies, I think.

I would not be pleased if someone decided to do yoga on my airplane ride. For starters, I am not comfortable on a plane to begin with. I immediately think we're going to crash and wind up on an island like the one on Lost. I am not a doctor, nor can I track people, therefore I'd immediately be eaten when food begins to run scarce. If someone started bending all over the place talking about their chi or going, "Ommmm...ommmmmm" I'd be tempted to toss my peanuts at them.

The yoga chick would also make me feel badly about myself. I'd think, "I can't go down that low without something cracking," or, "How are her sunglasses staying on her head like that? Mine immediately clatter to the ground if I tilt my head too quickly."

The consensus seems to be clear.

Don't do Yoga on an airplane.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.


---------

To have not watched The Grammys. As I've stated many times before, most of the music of today bothers me. I like some songs but most are just noise to my poor ears. I did like the fact that Paul and Ringo were on though.


To have also not watched The Bachelor Wedding. I did't even know there was one until I saw a commercial for it. I thought it was a joke but alas, it was not.


To be ready to buy some Girl Scout cookies. Thin Mints and Caramel Delights are our favorites. (The peanut butter ones are tasty too.)


To be excited that Gymboree sent Natalie some bubbles. They've noticed I've been posting a lot about them. Gymboree knows I exist!


To try not to say anything snarky when I see people writing articles bashing kids who love Disney princesses. It's not a big deal. Really, it's not.


To be glad Natalie never liked Justin Bieber. I hope he gets the help he needs. Natalie does, however, like some One Direction songs but she says the boys all look like toads.


To have a giveaway for a pair of tickets to see the new movie Gimme Shelter here.


To let Natalie go out in her dress up dresses. When we went to the Disney Store the workers were like, "Princess Anna is here!" and Natalie was incredibly excited. Sometimes small kids will point and go, "She's dressed like ANNA!"

I Embarrassed My Son On WiiU Chat

I walked into Tommy's room clad in my Happy Bunny pajamas. Messy hair. No bra because hello, it was night time. I said, "Make sure you put your underwear in the laundry basket this time," because he was about to take his shower. He has a habit of leaving them on the bathroom floor. I don't like touching boy underpants. If I must do it, I have to scoop them up with a t-shirt or something. I'm not putting my bare hands on boy underpants.

"MOM!" Tommy shouted, horrified.

A foreign face stared back at me from the black Wii U console. I assumed Tommy was watching YouTube videos again. But then the foreign face BLINKED. Well, his eyes, I mean. I screeched, grabbed Tommy's pillow, and held it against my chest. Not that my boobs were, you know, OUT or anything. But because, well, a strange kid was watching me and...it just felt weird.

"I'm CHATTING," Tommy said impatiently. "I told you I figured out how to chat and was going to, remember?"

Huh?

Oh. Right. He did come downstairs to tell me something. I was reading. And Tommy was prattling on about some new feature and I was...reading. I mean, if he were discussing something IMPORTANT I would have put my book down. But he was yakking about his WiiU again. He's obsessed with his video games and there's only so much I can take. So I kept reading and was going, "Uh huh," at what I thought were appropriate moments.

And now I had traumatized a strange boy who was watching me with wide eyes. I didn't want to get the kid in trouble. Suppose his parents came in to check on him and they saw me? Clad in my happy bunny PJs. Scary hair. No bra. Then his mother would go, "See? THAT'S who you must avoid online. These type of people are SICK!"

"I'll just....er...go," I said awkwardly. "I'll just..." I tripped over Tommy's Lego airplane. Pieces flew all over the place. I fell over and the poor boy's screen was filled with my Happy Bunny ass. Crap, crap, crap. "I'm sorry. I'll..." I began scooping up pieces.

"Mom! I got it! Could you go? We're talking about our Animal Crossing towns." Tommy scowled at me as I crawled around on his bedroom floor.

"Of course!" I jumped up and my knee cracked. Ouch. Dammit. "Have fun. But remember to--" I snapped my mouth shut just in time. I was about to remind him about the underwear again.

I'm glad Tommy is talking to people. He doesn't talk much at school. He doesn't have friends. He keeps to himself. This is mainly because he's socially awkward. He doesn't know what to say to his peers. He'll talk their ear off about video games but he doesn't comprehend that they like to talk about OTHER things too. With the WiiU, he's surrounded by video game enthusiasts.

Don't worry, I will monitor it. I'm not one of those parents who allow their kids to shut themselves in their rooms, much to Tommy's chagrin. I constantly pop in.

At least now he'll socialize with kids his own age.

But note to self? Stop at his door and check to see if he's chatting next time.

I promise I won't traumatize another child. (And sorry if that kid was yours. If he talks about a weird lady in Happy Bunny pajamas talking about underwear, hi, that was me. Sorry again.)

Why I'm Glad I Didn't Have A Big Wedding

Tom and I got married in a court house.

I was 19. Pregnant. Wearing black.

I was never one of those kids who dreamed about what her wedding would be like. I didn't walk around with a pillowcase on my head and pretend it was my veil. So it didn't bother me that I was married in a court house.

Now, at our ten year anniversary, I wore white. I had a proper wedding dress. I renewed my vows on the Grand Staircase of the (obviously fake) Titanic in Branson.

(Sorry this photo is terrible. They wouldn't allow photography inside.)


But again. It was small. Simple.

Here are the reasons why I could not have had a big wedding:

1. I couldn't care less about colors. Apparently when you plan a wedding you need to have a color scheme. Why? Does it matter what color the tablecloth is? So long as it's clean, it can be neon green for all I care. I cannot get myself excited over colors.


2. I don't care about a theme. Some people have a beach theme. Others have a Mardi Gras theme. If people asked what my theme was I'd be all, "Um, getting married? Isn't that the point of all of this?" I'm not one of those giggly women that would gasp, "My theme is LOVE and HEARTS!" I'd want to slap myself.


3. I'd get insulted if someone didn't like the food at my wedding. The main reason for a wedding is to watch a couple exchange vows, is it not? So if someone is all, "I didn't like the chicken," I'd be all, "Well, you know, stop someplace on your way home from my wedding and pick up your own meal then." I love food but I wouldn't complain if my steak was dry at at wedding.


4. Centerpieces. Most of the time they're too large and they block your view from the people across from you. So you're twisting to and fro, probably knocking into the person beside you as this awful thing with orchids or colored stones rises in front of your face. You cannot make conversation with the people across from you easily. I wouldn't bother with centerpieces. Who really CARES about centerpieces?


5. Honestly, I'd probably just have a giant dessert area and say screw the meal. Don't people want a cupcake or a giant piece of pie anyway?


6. I don't like being the center of attention. I wouldn't want to walk down an aisle and have everyone stare at me. I'd trip. It was awkward enough to have everyone in that Titanic museum stop and stare as Tom and I renewed our vows. You could rent out the whole place but it was costly, so we just did the vows with the museum open. This meant anyone who wanted to witness us was able to, and my face was SO red. I kept thinking, "I probably have a booger smeared across my cheek and don't even realize it!" (I didn't, thank goodness..)


7. The first dance. Again, going with the number above, I don't like being the center of attention. And also, I don't dance. Yes we could slow dance, but I'd find some way to trip and fall on my face.


8. I'd actually want to keep my bouquet and not throw it. I'd also blush like mad when Tom removed my garter. I'd probably fart from being so nervous. It would just turn into this awful thing.


9. It would bother me that guests would expect food at cocktail hour. Wouldn't I be serving food at the reception? Why do I have to keep feeding people?


10. I probably wouldn't have the something blue, something new, and something borrowed. I didn't at my court house wedding. I might have had it at my vow renewal but only because my friends and family got that stuff. Small details like that simply don't pop into my mind.


11. There's no way I could spend more than $500 on a wedding dress. My first one (the black one) was about $40. The one I wore at the vow renewal was around $300, and my parents treated me to that. I imagine they're thankful I didn't have a large wedding as well, because normally the bride's parents foot that bill. I already told Natalie we're not paying more than $500 for her wedding so if she wants a bigger one, she better save. I cannot fathom dropping a huge chunk on one day, and let's be honest, the divorce rate is high.


-----

Some people love throwing big weddings. That's okay. I'd enjoy GOING to a big wedding when I'm not paying for it. I just personally couldn't have one.

So did you have a big wedding? Or was it small?

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Not Replacing The Toilet Paper

I walked in the bathroom the other day and saw this:



Apparently it's too difficult to put a new toilet paper roll on.

And yes, that sign DOES say, "Changing the toilet paper roll with not cause brain damage." I guess my husband was worried that it might.

I don't get why this happens. There are new toilet paper rolls on the shelf thingy less than five feet away. It's not like he has to leave the room for a new roll. They are RIGHT THERE. He literally has to turn around while on the toilet and grab one. So why, why, WHY does this happen so often?!

It irks me.

And I tell him so. He doesn't get what the big deal is.

The big deal is HE HASN'T REPLACED THE TOILET PAPER.

Some people suggested that I simply not change it. Show him that I refuse to do it. But it would bother me. And then if we have guests should I say, "Sorry about the toilet paper, my husband doesn't think it's a very big deal. So basically the toilet paper holder has no point in our home." But then Tom would probably grumble that I embarrassed him and I'd answer, "THEN REPLACE THE ROLL!"

So yes, I wind up replacing the roll like 90% of the time.

I should be used to it.

But I still get annoyed.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.

-----------


To feel like I'm the only American not enthused by Kale.


To not be watching the new season of American Idol. They aren't even showing a lot of the bad singers and that was always my favorite part...


To be watching the new season of Teen Mom. I know. I'm embarrassed.


To agree with the baby ban in expensive restaurants. It's rare that I get out with my husband alone so if we splurge and go out to a fancy place, I don't want to hear children. I'm ESCAPING my children, dangit, I don't want to hear yours.


To love the new line from Gymboree. I have Gymbucks so I'll be picking up some outfits for when we're at the beach in June.


To not be a fan of basketball at all but want to try out Kevin Durant's new restaurant downtown. It has southern food! I love southern food. And there's chicken and waffles. Mmmm....


To be thankful to Utterly Chaotic for fixing up my blog. You might think, "Hey, it looks the same," but I had some tweaks. The title used to say Airing My Dirty Laundry One SOCK At A Time. That made no sense. I asked it to be switched to POST. So if you have my blog button, you'll want to replace it with the new one. There is a search bar. A bunch of buttons were moved to the bottom to make things less cluttered. There is a You Might Also Like option at the bottom of each post. I like the flow of my blog now. So if you need a new blog look, check out Utterly Chaotic. And no, I was not paid to say that. I paid for my makeover. I just like to pass on info when I find a company I like!

No More Zeros

So Tommy sometimes won't turn in his assignments at school.

It's frustrating.

There are two reasons for this 1) he has social anxiety that comes with his Aspergers so if he's confused about something, he stays quiet and just doesn't do the work and 2) he's lazy.

I get that it's tough for him to speak but he cannot and I will not let him use Aspergers as an excuse. Yes, the teachers are aware that he has Aspergers and yes, he does have an IEP. But the teachers are not there to babysit. They can't keep asking one student to turn in their work or ask if he understands what's happening because guess what, they have 20 other students for like 7 periods a day.

And so, when I saw on his report card that he got A's and B's and oh, what's this a 74 in an elective class called Bookmania, I got annoyed. I contacted the teacher and asked what was up and she was said that Tommy didn't do the 3 journal entries that she assigned, therefore he received 3 0s. Had he done his journal work, he'd have gotten an A in the class and been on the Honor Roll.

I was annoyed and I knew I had to talk to Tommy. This was unacceptable. He knows better! How can he NOT turn something in? Doesn't he break out in hives? Or maybe that's just me. I thought people with Autism wanted to follow the rules. But then again, if you have social anxiety, maybe the rules are no longer important if you are able to stay silent and not risk embarrassing yourself.

I knocked on Tommy's door and said we needed to talk. He was busy playing Animal Crossing on his 3DS.

"Hold on. I'm catching bugs," he said.

"Um no. We need to talk about the 74 you got," I answered, taking his game.

Tom bit his lip. He knew what we were about to discuss.

"Why didn't you do your journal assignments?" I asked.

Tommy shrugged. Tears immediately welled up in his eyes. "I didn't understand.." he muttered.

"You can't just not do something. You need to ask questions," I reminded him. "If you're confused, ask questions. If you don't want to do it in front of people, wait until after class."

"But then I might be late for my NEXT class," Tommy said, twisting his fingers nervously.

"If you're confused, tell me, and I can ask the teacher. But don't just refuse to turn something in. You would have gotten an A in the class," I explained.

A tear slipped down Tommy's cheek. He doesn't like disappointing people. "I just--"

Natalie ran in at that moment and pointed at Tommy. "There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble."

I rolled my eyes. "No, there's not, Natalie and that's a quote from Home Alone. Go play."

"Yeah, go," Tommy huffed. He's not a fan of his sister. Maybe when they're older they'll get along, but for now she's much too loud and bossy for him. He would have nothing to do with her if he could, but she sort of pushes her way into his life.

"The cold never bothered me anyway!" Natalie snapped, walking out of the room. She slammed the door on her way out.

"She's so dumb," Tommy grumbled.

"Don't call people dumb," I lectured. "She's quoting Frozen now. It probably means I let you guys watch too much television, but well, Mommy needs some peace too. Anyway," I said, because Tommy started reaching for his iPod Touch, "no more zeros. If you do, I'm taking all your electronics away. You know better. You can DO better. You can DO this." I placed my hands on Tommy's shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "You can do this." I felt like Denzel Washington talking to the football team in Remember The Titans.

"Um, okay?" Tommy answered, because he wasn't sure what else to say. He's not a fan when people look him in his eyes.

"So no more zeros?" I questioned.

"No."

"No more zeros? Say it with me 'no more zeros! No more zeros!'"

Tommy's eyes darted from left to right. He finds me bizarre. "No more zeros?"

"And if you're confused, you'll...." I trailed off.

Tommy sighed. "Ask questions."

"If you're too nervous to ask a question tell me and I'll...."

"E-mail the teacher."

"No more zeros!" I said one last time.

"Geez. Okay. No more zeros. Can I play my game?"

"You're so lucky I'm not a Tiger Mom," I said, handing him his 3DS.

So fingers crossed that there aren't anymore zeros and that my motivational speech helped him out.

Candace Cameron Is Submissive But I Am Not

Candace Cameron, best known for playing DJ on Full House, has written a book called Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose.

In that book, she says that she's submissive. This has cause quite a stir.

I completely understand it's what works for their family.

But it would not work for my family.

This was also talked about on The View. Sherri Shepard said something like, "Well, SOMEONE has to give in." In my eyes, it doesn't have to be the woman. And yes, I totally get that just because a woman is submissive that it doesn't mean she doesn't have a say. She certainly does.

I would resent my husband if he always had the last word. For example, a while back he thought about changing from the Air Force to the Army because he was frustrated on how things were going in his job. He even met with a recruiter.

I basically said no thank you.

Why? Well, because I know the Army deploys more. I know the Army gets shot at more. I was not comfortable with the idea. I knew it would not work for us and I stated this. Eventually Tom dropped the issue and things worked out with the Air Force. He got accepted into K9 school and he was happy again. He admitted that he was glad he had stayed with the Air Force.

If I were submissive and allowed him to make the move to the Army believing that he knew best for our family, I don't think I'd be happy.

In our family, we both have to agree on an issue. Otherwise it's dropped. Someone doesn't have to give in.

Candace also says in a Huffington Post article, "It is very difficult to have two heads of authority. It doesn't work in military, it doesn't work -- I mean, you have one president, you know what I'm saying?"

Well, see, there are two heads of authority in our house. And it DOES work.

It simply reminds us all that each family is different. What works for one, might not work for another.

And that is okay with me.

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: When Recipes Go Wrong

"It's not cooking! I following the recipe and it's NOT COOKING!" I shrieked the other night.

This is why I should NOT follow a recipe on the back of the foil box. I mean, duh.

The recipe was for chicken thighs and you put spices and vegetables around them. Then you covered it with foil and cooked it for 50 minutes.

I did this.

But the chicken thighs were still pink the middle.

"I FOLLOWED THE RECIPE!" I shouted again. "I hate cooking. I'm done. No more cooking for me. We'll have to win the lottery and hire a cook because cooking SUCKS!" I'd have given the chicken the middle finger if Natalie hadn't wandered in the kitchen.

"It's fine," Tom said. "We'll stick it back in the oven. That's all."

So we set the timer for ten minutes. Surely the chicken would be ready by then.

Nope.

The chicken was still bloody and gross.

"Cooking can kiss my ass," I hissed at Tom. There were no kids in the room at this point.

"Gee, I wonder where Natalie gets her dramatics," Tom answered, deadpan.

And you know what else? The vegetables were still hard even though the recipe said the vegetables would be soft.

I am not the best cook. But I do try.

It just upsets me when something doesn't go right. Especially when I'm hungry and ready to eat.

We ended up scraping the cooked bits of chicken mixed with the hard vegetables. It was like some weird chicken salad. The kids were afraid of it so they had like two bites and claimed they were full.

I really wish I could hire a private chef.

Maybe one day?

(I doubt it. But a woman can hope..)

Natalie Was Invited To A Snip-It's Birthday Party!

I have never been in a Snip-Its before.

It's a kid themed haircut place, for those who aren't aware. I knew what it was; we had just never gone in one.

We might start.

It was so cute inside. Natalie was invited to a birthday at Snip-Its and she had so much fun. Each girl got to put on a dress and received their own bag of makeup to keep. Natalie does not grasp the concept that less is more so she looked like this:

"You're a Kardashian!" I marveled.

Each girl also had their hair done.

Guess what style Natalie picked.

The princess style, naturally.

I loved the curls. I should curl Natalie's hair. Only we don't own a curling iron. Maybe I should get one. Only, would I really use it? Probably not. Let's be honest; I'm hair lazy. So if Natalie wants curls, she'll have to learn how to do it herself.

Natalie changed after she got her hair done. I suppose she thought the curls looked better in a pink frock. I love that word. Frock. Makes me think of Downton Abbey.

The girls did a runway show next. A red carpet is rolled out down the middle of the store and each girl gets to strut her stuff. They were asked questions beforehand so as they went down the carpet, the hostess called it out. For example, this was Natalie's:

"This is Natalie! She's 6 and her favorite thing to do is play. Her favorite food is chicken nuggets and when she wants to grow up, she wants to be a dentist!"

Uh?

I was stunned at that one. A dentist? Dentists terrify me. I go into a panic attack if I'm around a dentist. WHY DOES SHE WANT TO BE A DENTIST? She used to want to be Rapunzel. Where did that go?

I like how Natalie held up her dress. I was worried about her doing a face plant. I'd have done a face plant. She was wearing heels, after all. I don't walk well in heels.

After that, it was time for cupcakes, which Snip-Its provides. Then the birthday girl opened her presents, and the party was over.

I was impressed. Natalie had a blast and said she wanted a birthday there. But not when she turns 7. No, when she turns 7, we're having a Chuck E Cheese birthday. I'm a little afraid. Masked characters make me nervous.

But if you're looking for a party venue, I recommend Snip-Its!

Especially if your girl loves to dress up and loves makeup.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.

-----------


To have not watched The Golden Globes. Well, I sort of did. I watched the opening because I like Tina Fey.


To wish Kate Gosselin would go away. She's on the cover of People with her twins, who state that they aren't messed up. I watched Jon and Kate Plus 8. She was scary. It would have messed me up. My personality would NOT have meshed with that.


To get really annoyed when football goes long and makes my television shows late. Why can't football stay on ESPN?!


To not understand when people say things like, "I know it's gross and bad for me but we're having McDonalds for dinner!" As though they're guilty or something. Don't be guilty. Those fries are amazing! I proudly am like, "We're having lunch at McDonalds. Yum!" Or, "stuffing my face with fries and a big mac!" In fact, you know how people are saying what their word for 2013 is? Mine would probably be "McDonalds."


To love all the chocolate that comes with Valentine's Day.


To think the movie Her looks totally creepy.


To be glad I finally got Natalie to appreciate Labyrinth! She calls it "the troll movie" even though I've told her they're goblins.

Experiencing The Movie My Girl With My Son

There comes a time in every child's life where they MUST experience this movie.

If you came out of me, you will be watching this movie. It's a given. I was thrilled that Tommy was finally old enough to understand it. I didn't give away the ending. As I put the DVD in, I said, quite formally, "This movie will change your life. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you ugly cry. It'll make--"

Tommy raised his hand. So cute, he's not even in school! He said, "What's an ugly cry?"

"It's what I do. Snot comes out of my nose, I drool, my face becomes bright red..." I explained.

Tommy winced. "That's disgusting. Why would you cry though?"

I waved a finger in the air and said mysteriously, "You shall see."

Tommy just shrugged.

I started the movie. The magic was about to begin.

"Now, Vada lives in a funeral parlor. So there are dead bodies," I said.

"Gross. Do they smell?" Tommy asked.

"Well. No. They'll be embalmed."

And then I had to explain THAT to him.

So we watched the movie and then IT happens. You know what the IT is.

I cried.

Tommy didn't like this. I don't know if it's an autism thing or what but he became irritated. "Why are you crying? It's a movie. It's not happening, really. Stop crying."

"It's just the IDEA of it really happening..." I sniffled as a snot bubble popped.

Tommy looked disgusted. I had definitely showed him what an ugly cry was.

I calmed down a bit until Vada's dad had to tell her what happened. Vada is all, "He's going to be okay, isn't he?" and he goes, "There were just too many of them."

WAH!

"Are you seriously crying again? Why? This is a movie," Tommy said, frowning. "You stop it."

He doesn't like to see people in distress. He doesn't know how to process it. It's going to be interesting if he does get a girlfriend. I can see them watching Titanic and Tommy yelling, "The actor Leonardo DiCaprio is alive and well. Knock it off."

I tried to keep my tears in. And I did, until Thomas J's funeral. Vada walks in the room and says, "He can't see without his glasses," and I want to scream along with her, "PUT HIS GLASSES BACK ON FOR THE LOVE OF CHOCOLATE!" Huge tears fell down my cheeks as Vada screamed, "He was gonna be an acrobat!"

"Thomas J!" I sputtered into my kleenex. "Thomas J!"

"This is JUST A MOVIE!" Tommy snapped.

I composed myself. Tommy was right. It's only a movie. The actor Macaulay Culkin is alive and...he's making art, that's the last I heard. I'm assuming he's well and hopefully off the drugs. Concentrate on that art, Macaulay.

Then Mrs. Senate, Thomas J's mom, gave Vada the mood ring and it was BLUE not BLACK and as she walks away Vada calls out, "Mrs. Senate? Thomas J will be all right. My mother will take care of him."

WAH!

"This is just a movie," Tommy grumbled. "No crying."

I sniffled through Vada's weeping willow poem and then the movie was over. Despite my crying, Tommy liked it. He thought it was cool that they were 11, like he is. He laughed when they kissed. He thought Gramoo was hilarious how she didn't talk and just sat there but oh, she can suddenly burst into song. (I wonder how it was having that part. Oh, little old lady, you just sit there and look like a stone. Or you sing. And we'll pay you. Cool?)

I love the movie so much and I'm glad I got to share it with my son.

Soon, when Natalie is a little older, I'll experience it with her.

"And that, my son, is why I don't like bees," I said solemnly as the credits rolled.

Thomas J!

Change A Boring Shirt Into A Dress With Upcycle Me Crazy!

I had no idea what an Upcycle Dress was until I saw a little girl on Facebook in one.

Then I figured Natalie had to have one...or two.

She had gotten a school pride t-shirt and it was just...blah. It needed to be perked up a bit. So I sent the shirt to Upcycle Me Crazy and...

She (Tiffany) changed a boring t-shirt into a dress. She added the skirt and the arm fabric. Better, huh? (And no, I'm not being paid to post this, nor did I get the dresses for free. I paid for them, I just loved the results so I had to share!)

Yes, I made farting noises.

Natalie loves her school dress. When she wore it to school she said lots of people asked her if I made it. She said she laughed and explained that her Mommy doesn't sew.

I also sent in another t-shirt. How the process works is, you send in a large t-shirt and it'll be transformed into dress. This dress has a different skirt design. There are several to choose from, plus you can pick another arm look if you'd prefer. This shirt is from Gymboree, size 12.

I was making funny noises. The people walking past with their dog did a double take.

Natalie loves when a dress has a twirl-ability factor:

So if you have a t-shirt that you want to be made into a dress, check out Upcycle Me Crazy! The next time we go to Disney I am so sending in a Disney shirt to be made into a dress.

And now you know what an Upcycle Dress is.

You're welcome.

(Also, when they outgrow the dress, it can be worn as a tunic. So they last awhile. Bonus!)

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Saying "AND GO!" when asking a question

I'm part of several Facebook groups.

I've noticed lately when people ask questions, they'll end it with "AND GO!" For instance, "Where can you get the best Mexican food? And GO!!!!"

This makes me NOT want to go.

Don't ask for restaurant suggestions and end with "AND GO!" It seems slightly rude to me. We aren't in a race.

Someone else was all, "What movie should I see with my husband? AND GO!"

No, dammit.

Just say, "What movie should I see with my husband tonight? Thank you."

Don't tell me to go.

Or I will, literally.

Why is this a new thing? Why are people actually commenting when they're told to go? Maybe if people added, "And go PLEASE" it wouldn't come across as irritating.

I'm just old and cranky, I suppose. I notice it's a lot of the young people who post "AND GO!" at the end of their questions. Maybe it's a new under 25 thing?

So yes, I'm refusing to comment on questions with "AND GO!" at the end of them.

Because I'm old and cranky.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.
--------------

To sort of want to make a t-shirt that says I Survived Winter Break With The Kids 2013.



To not be surprised if the rumors are true that Dean cheated on Tori Spelling. They cheated on their former spouses to be with each other. I agree with Dr. Phil's saying, "If they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you."



To be jealous of the people who got fabulous Christmas deals at Target. They marked stuff 90% off. My store was basically cleared out but some people were getting creepy Elf on the Shelves for 2.99 and clothing for the scary thing for under a buck! My store just had Justin Bieber wrapping paper left. No.



To love crock pot recipes. I've found some new ones I'm going to try.



To be a little wary of that new military comedy called Enlisted. It premieres Friday on Fox. I'll watch just to see. Plus it has one of the dudes who was in 7th Heaven in it.



To want some warm weather. We didn't get dumped with snow, but the past two days have been below freezing.


To love the hot chocolate from Panera Bread. Ask for their signature one! They put cookie flavored marshmallows in the hot chocolate. So tasty. I ask for the skim milk so I don't feel AS guilty drinking it....you can also say no whipped cream if calories frighten you.

***

Shopping At Target With My Kid Gives Me A Headache

"Mommy! They can't stay in the car! They just can't. They're HUMAN BEINGS!" Natalie said dramatically.

I sighed and rubbed my temples. When did school start again? How much longer did I have to take her out with me? Sometimes she's not difficult but today....

"First of all," I started calmly, "they aren't human beings. They're stuffed. That's a stuffed Rapunzel and a stuffed shark. They'll be fine in the car."

Natalie stomped her foot down. "They don't want to! They'll be lonely! They want to shop too." She hugged Rapunzel close. "It's okay, Rapunzel, I won't leave you, ever."

Oh for heaven's sake.

"Fine. Take Rapunzel. The Shark stays."

Natalie sniffed. "That's fine. The shark prefers the car to Target."

Whatever.

We walked into the store and grabbed a cart. I placed Natalie in the basket of the cart for two reasons: 1) so she couldn't go far and 2) so it would prevent me from buying too much. Target has given me problems before. It's like it has something new that I feel I need around every corner. This worked great for ten minutes. Then Natalie was like, "My feet need to walk." I pretended I didn't hear her and continued to go through the 70% off clothing.

"I said," Natalie repeated, "my feet need to walk." She stood up and tugged on my arm. This caused a woman next to use to gasp.

"Don't fall out, dear," she said to Natalie.

"I won't. I balance. But my mommy won't let me out," Natalie tattled.

Thanks, kid. I lifted her out before the woman could accuse me of being cruel. WHEN DID SCHOOL START AGAIN?!

Shopping with Natalie takes a lot of the fun out of it. She doesn't find it appealing to search through clearanced clothes or read the backs of books. She'd prefer not to check the ends of aisles to make sure I don't miss a clearanced deal. No, what she wants to look at are...

"Mommy? When can we see the toys?"

Yup.

And then she takes forever. And then she asks for the toy. And then she pouts when I say no.

Only when we went, she had Christmas money, so that meant she could get a toy.

She went up and down the toy aisles.

"You know you don't HAVE to spend your money," I reminded her. "You could save it."

Natalie gave me a Look as though I just told her Rapunzel farted.

"Saving is important," I continued.

Natalie blinked.

"If you don't find anything you want, you could save it," I reiterated.

"I want everything," Natalie said simply.

Oh. Well.

"But I think I'm going to get this cute cat." She picked up one of those fur-real friends that make noises. Lovely.

She also picked up Vanellope for her Disney Infinity game.

"Great. Ready to go?" I asked, which was a mistake, because all the experts say that you shouldn't ASK a child when you want them to do something, you should just SAY what will happen.

"No. I'm going to look at Legos now." She held her new kitty close. "It's okay. I'm here now. I'm taking you home."

We looked at Legos. And then we looked at Nerf guns. And then she had to touch every single ball in the store.

I was ready to go home.

"We're done!" I sing-songed. "Let's get back in the cart." I went to scoop her up and she backed up. "My kitty, Vanellope, and me don't want to do that. We'd like to walk."

"Fine," I said. "Let's head to check out."

"But," Natalie answered sweetly, "we didn't look at the candy."

I screamed.

No, I didn't. I wanted to. Instead I swallowed it down and said we could look at the candy and go.

This took another fifteen minutes. Natalie wanted her kitty and Vanellope to stare at all the choices.

"My kitty likes chocolate. Vanellope likes the gummy bears."

I know I'm supposed to cherish these moments with her. I know it. Soon she'll get older and want nothing to do with me. But I have my limits.

We eventually made our way out of the store. But not before Natalie said goodbye to her clothing section ("goodbye cute D-signed pants. Goodbye cute sweater!") and the makeup area, ("I can't wear you. Mommy says no and that I'm not a scary pageant child.")

School, by the way, starts tomorrow. Oklahoma gets a long break.

Lucky us?

When she gets older I imagine shopping trips will become more pleasant.

(I hope?)

We Sent The Kids To Bed On New Year's Eve

"Let's dance! Let's dance!" Natalie shrieked on New Year's Eve.

She was making me dance to Kids Bop songs. My ears were burning.

"Is it almost bedtime?" I said, checking the clock. I didn't care that it was New Year's Eve. My kids were going upstairs at 8. I needed some peace. Some families had marathon game nights. We were having a dance fest--until 8.

So we danced. And danced.

And then I made the kids take some pictures.

After these pictures I was like, "Okay, bedtime!" before Natalie started another song. I can only take children crooning songs that I don't even like at me for so long. (Seriously. One song was a One Direction song. Help. Me.)

"Aren't we supposed to stay up until midnight?" Natalie grumbled as I shooed her upstairs.

"You can. You can come down at 1130 if you're still up," I promised. Please let them be sleeping.

We didn't have any fancy foods or drinks. Tom and I aren't big drinkers so we popped open a bottle of sparkling grape juice and watched The Shawshank Redemption. I had never seen it and Tom was appalled. As we watched an episode of Family Guy where they spoofed it, Tom was like, "Awesome movie," and I had said, "I wouldn't know." This stunned him. So that's why we decided to watch on New Year's Eve. Some people party and get drunk. We stretch out on the couch, sip sparkling grape juice, and watch a Stephen King movie.

And it was good.

The movie, I mean. I really enjoyed it.

As promised, I went to see if the kids were awake at 1130. They were. Of course. So I let them come down but told Natalie, "I'm not dancing."

We did the countdown and then we had poppers, which freaked out Tommy:

He liked them, but he didn't. He wanted to know what they were made of.

Then we went right to bed and slept in until 930 the next day.

No special New Year's Day meal either. We had hot dogs. And deviled eggs. Black eyed peas scare my family.

Happy 2014!

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: No Cart Etiquette

Cart etiquette.

I've noticed a lot of people don't have it.

There are people who will take up the entire lane with their cart so no one can pass.

There are people who will have full blown conversations on their phone with their cart in the middle of the aisle. This happened at Target when I went the day after Christmas. This woman was asking what kind of lights she should get. Small? Or large? Or colored? I was thisclose to taking her phone and telling whomever she was talking to, "She's bringing home the small lights. Good day," just so she'd MOVE already.

Just say excuse me, you might be saying.

I did.

She didn't hear me because she was on the phone.

So I tried to move her cart aside and she grabbed the handle and glared at me so I couldn't move it. It's not like I was going to push it ACROSS THE STORE. I was moving it to the SIDE.

I eventually squeezed my way past her...I think I ran over her foot. I apologized even though I wanted to say, "If you'd have just moved your cart to the side, I wouldn't have run over your big toe."

There was another woman parked in the middle of an aisle staring at ornaments as though it were a tough decision. Should I get the plastic shoe? Or the Sully figure? I'd have gone with Sully. She stared and stared and I'm sorry, if you go to Target the day after Christmas and are in the Christmas aisle, know you don't have the leisure of taking your time. There are tons of other people who are there, doing the same thing you are. Park your cart TO THE SIDE or at the END OF THE AISLE so people can still go by.

Why don't people comprehend this?

I said excuse me again.

Was ignored.

I tried to push the cart to the side myself.

Was given another scowl and the woman quickly grabbed her cart away. But at least she moved it to the side.

"Sor-RY!" she said in a snotty tone as though I were the rude one.

Cart etiquette.

Please use it.

I Resolve To NOT.....

I've been doing resolutions that I will NOT do for several years now. They're easier. I recommend these to the real resolutions.

With that being said, here's what I resolve NOT to do...

-------------


I resolve to not....stop getting irritated when people don't drive properly. Use turn signals! Don't cut people off. Stop texting and driving.



I resolve to not....cook dinner anymore. (I wish.)



I resolve to not....stop wearing my sneakers everywhere. Apparently as a girl I should love wearing boots and such in the fall and winter. I do not. I wear my sneakers all year long. Sometimes in the summer I wear flip flops.



I resolve to not...stop hating ridiculous words. Selfie needs to go away. Along with cray, amazeballs, and totes. Huffington Post even wrote an article about it.



I resolve to not....give up my Diet Coke no matter how many anti posts I see about it floating around Facebook or on blogs. Normally when I'm reading them I'm sipping on my Diet Coke.



I resolve to not....craft. It's just not my thing. Thank goodness for Etsy. I pay people to craft for me. Thanks, talented ones.



I resolve to not....stop buying clothes for Natalie. I can't help it. She'll only let me dress her for so long.



I resolve to not...stop trying to get my kids to like Labyrinth. Why don't they appreciate it? It's DAVID BOWIE with tight pants! Ludo! The bog of eternal stench.


----------

Happy 2014, everyone!